Drown

What is something we all find ourselves drowning in from time to time?

It pulls me down, down, down.

It is clear; I am about to drown

I frown.

I had thought I was safe and sound.

I feel it press, press, press.

My arms flail and I struggle for breath

My nose fills with that awful, reeking scent--death.

The brightness of the world is growing rapidly less.

It’s so black, black, black.

Dark as the pitch in the asphalt’s cracks.

Trying in vain to beat it back,

It wins, enclosing me in a tar-like sack.

I sink deeper, deeper, deeper.

Now I have gone past the reach of even the most daring creature,

And every passing tick of the clock seems still yet bleaker

As the value of my life grows even cheaper.

It swallows me quietly, quietly, quietly

I suppose this is how I will disappear from the world, quite silently

The black sludge, in its force, almighty.

This sludge, it’s what most people like to call society.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I especially like the way you are using this repetitive format for each stanza, yet you also craft each stanza to be completely unique in the way your theme is expressed. Your rhymes are mostly strong & interesting. Overall, the sensations of drowning are evident & palpable, which can be the literal idea of drowning, or it can be a figurative feeling in one's heart. There's just one word I didn't relate to . . . "slightly" in the second stanza, last line. It seems too understated to go along with the rest of your powerful & intensely stated observations. In fact, it totally contradicts the very next stanza.

[5hade5layer]

Thank you for your feedback! I will definitely fix that--I see it now that you mention it. Also thank you for your note on my other work!

[Bleak_Darkness]

Another great work from you 5hade5layer! When I first read it, I thought that you were talking about the character drowning in a body of water or something like that! You really got me at the end, when I learnt that this poem was all about drowning in society. And honestly, I agree with this 100%! A lot of us do drown in societal woes and such! The rhyming here was really fantastic as well!