I can't rememeber a time...

My first glance at death was when I was 2. My grandma passed away one night. I thought nothing of it. I was too young to understand. It wasn't until I was 4, when my grandmother's passing was brought up again at dinner. 

I can't remember much. I just know that I was in my room crying that night. I can remember my mother telling me that sometimes people leave. They can't feel anymore, they can't hear anymore, they aren't there anymore.

I remember freaking out. I was scared and upset. I told my mom that I don't want to die. She told me, don't worry. You still have time.

I thought my time was short. But I'm 17 and it already feels like I've lived through a lifetime.

I remember later that year, at age 4, getting prepared for an operation. The nurses and doctors were doing everything they could to put the oxygen mask and me. But I kept thinking back to that conversation with my mom. I kept telling them that I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to die. I was so scared. I thought that I was going to die just like grandma.

The next thing I know, I'm waking up. I'm in pain, I can't see, and I'm confused. But I was awake. 

I was alive.

Throughout the years, I have seen many family members pass. My uncle, my grandpa, my aunts. 

I thought I would mourn them and move on.

And I did.

But now? Now, we are all surrounded by death. This is the new reality. I'm mourning for people that I've never met. I'm more scared than I was during my operation. I'm more scared than I was when my sister fell on her neck in preschool. I'm more scared than I was when I got yelled at by a stranger in third grade. 

Because this pandemic has screwed us all over and over again. People are dying. And there's nothing we can do yet. People are breaking the rules and leaving their homes to hang with friends. And people are dying.

I thought it was about me in the beginning. I was missing out on my senior year when only a few months ago, I was lauphing with my friends at coronavirus memes. Because you don't know the tragedy until it hits close to home. Until it's you. Until it's someone like you.

Until it's spread like wildfire across your state. Across your country. Across your life.

It's not about me. It's not about any singular person, because this virus has effected everyone. Our lives have been put on hold.

My mom is so close to defeating cancer, she only had one more phase of chemo treatment before being officially cancer free. And now I'm being told that she's at high risk? It's not fair. I'm being told I'm less likely to get the virus because of how young I am, but I'm more likely to carry the virus straight to her.

That makes me more scared than anything. I don't care if we don't have our graduation ceremony. I don't care that I won't get to see my friends before they move in the summer. I don't care that they closed down the shops, the city, turned off the lights that kept everything running. 

I just want to get my family through this. I want my dad to be able to work. I want my mom to stay healthy. I want my sister to be able to enjoy her life. I just want this all to end.