where has that love gone

You told me to stop acting like a child.

That the tears that form in my eyes are not mine to shed.

If I want to cry I have to go to my room and cry alone for fear of your judgemen.

I know I'm not smart, or pretty, or the perfect daughter that you dreamt of over 17 years ago.

But I'm trying, ok?

I'm trying to make you smile.

I'm trying to bring back what we lost.

I just want our old relationship back.

Do you even remember those times.

When I cried, instead of telling me to 'grow up' you hugged me and told me 'it will be ok' 

You told me that you were there with me every step of the way.

You held my hand every time I was in that operating room.

You wiped away my tears when the doctors had to put me to sleep.

You kissed me after each surgery, weather it was a success or not.

You told me I was brave.

It's been 5 years, dad, and you have hugged me only once since then.

You hugged me while telling me that mom had cancer.

Do you remember when you were released from jail on bond last year?

I wanted so badly to hug you.

But mom said you were hurting and sad and mad and in the end I wasn't allowed to get that hug.

I miss you so much.

You are there but it's not the you that I love.

It's the you that I hide from and try to stay out of your way.

I wish I could tell you these things but I just can't.

I hope though, that one day you happen to stumble upon this writing. 

I love you, dad