United We Fall

Characters

Devon Bridgers- loner with a shady past

Remi- the android so advanced she is practically human

Chapter one-United We Fall

Devon is walking through the halls of a museum. He stops in front of his favorite painting. After a few moments a stranger walks up and stands besides him

"The Sea of Ice and Fire." they say. "It has a beautiful comparison don't you think?"

Devon turns to face her. She is shorter than him by a whole head length. She gives off a very strange vibe to him. "Who are you. I don't think I have ever seen you around here before." he asks.

"Oh I am sorry sir. My name is Remi. What may I call you?"

"Devon." not a people person he starts to walk away from her.

She starts to follow his pace. "You know I really like to meet new people."

"When people start walking away it means they are leaving." he replied coldly.

She stopped in her tracks. "Oh… I'm sorry sir. Did I offend you?"

Devon ignores her and walks past the automatic doors of the museum. Once outside cars rush past from all over the place seemingly woth no order. Devon looks up at the sky for a moment and sees hundreds of cars go in every direction.

Ignoring the cars he takes to the street and starts to walk home. About an hour later Devon is sitting in his run down sofa in his run down apartment building. The kitchen to his back and the windows and tv to his front. He grabs the remote to turn the TV on when all of a sudden he hears a strange noise.

The noise is coming from outside. No it is coming from the other side of his door. He hears knocking.

'Guest? I never have had anyone knock on that door for all the years I have been here' he thinks to himself.

He gets up slowly from the sofa as to not make a sound. Slowly and stealthy he makes his way to the door. On his way he picks up an old rusty knife from the kitchen counter.

Before he reaches the door, he hears, "Devon?"

At the sound of his name being called out he figured out who is on the other side of the door. He gently places the knife down and swings open the door.

"You." he says before trying to close the door.

Remi is standing on the other side of the door."Wait!" she exclaims putting her foot to stop the closing door.

"What do you want?" he asked impatiently.

"You forgot this." she holds up a bag with no designs or logos on it, just a plain black bag.

"And how do you know that is mine?"

"Because I found this in it." she holds out with her other hand a citizen ID card. The name and picture are that of Devon.

He takes the card and bag quickly. "Now leave!"

As soon as the door shuts a loud siren goes off. Devon opens the door seconds to later to know what the noise is coming from. Before he can process Remi dives into his home and beams of stun blast shoot across the hall. Remi quickly slams the door shut.

"What is going on!' Devon yells.

'They're after me!" she replies as she races to his bedroom down the hall.

"No kidding! Why are they after you!" as they reach his bedroom banging can be heard against the front door. "Why are the police here?"

Remi opens a window prepared to jump. "Because technically I'm stolen property."

"What are you talking about?" he looks out the window. "A fall this high up could kill you!"

"I haven't been honest with you." she says.

"Then be honest."

The door breaks down and S.W.A.T. officers raid the place. "Look I can explain or we can both be arrested."

She extends a hand. Without much thought Devon takes it. In an instant she jumps out the window 

Author's Note

I've wanted to write a book for awhile, but I've never had the time, dedication, or good ideas. But I decided to try it anyway. Here is the first chapter. Thanks for reading :)

Reviews

[JayG]

The last thing I want to do is discourage someone who wants to write fiction. So bear in mind that what I'm about to say has nothing to do with how well you wrote this, or your talent. But it is something important, that you need to know—something they give you no hint of in your classes. So take a deep breath:

1. Forget "good ideas." A pro can write about doing the laundry and make you weep, because they know how to do that. But give the world's best story idea to someone without that knowledge and the result will be rejected in a paragraph. Story—the plot—can ONLY be appreciated in retrospect. So your primary job in writing a scene is to keep the reader interested and entertained on every-single-page. Fail that on one page and they stop, and how good the story is or isn't doesn't enter into it. In other words, it's the writing that matters the most.

History books have everything needed for an exciting story: action, betrayal, murder, love, war, intrigue...everything but suspense. So given that it's all there, when was the last time you picked up a history book for casual reading? The answer, if you're like most people, is never, because it's told in overview by a dispassionate outside narrator who is focused on the events, not the emotional impact on the reader, and the way the people in it view what's happening. It's the suspense, the wanting to know what will happen next, that keeps us turning pages. without it, the events roll by, but who cares?

2. While fiction makes use of the spelling, punctuation, and other tools of writing that you're learning in your classes, it uses none of the techniques of organization and presentation you're learning there because the purpose of your schooling is to give you a set of general skills that will make you useful to future employers, and in life. So in your classes you write endless reports and essays because that's the kind of writing people do on the job. And nonfiction—the kind of writing you're practicing till its techniques feel natural and intuitive, has as its goal to inform the reader. So it's presented by the narrator, who explains a series of facts.

Use those report-writing skills to write fiction and the story reads like a report. No way to avoid that. And using those tricks in this story resulted in a chronicle of events of the form, "This happens...then that happens...and as a result..." The reader learns of the events that make up the plot, as listed by a dispassionate external observer, whose voice can't-be-heard, and so has only the emotion the punctuation suggests. Not your fault, but still...

Think about yourself when reading an exciting story. Do you keep reading because you're learning the detailed history of some events in a fictional character's life? Or is it for how the story makes you feel as YOU react to what's going on in the story? The answer to that is obvious, but... Have your teachers spent even one minute on how to MAKE a reader react that way to the events being described? No. Have they spent time explaining how to open a scene, or even what a scene on the page is? Again no. And if we don't know that, how can we write a scene that will move a reader's emotions? See the problem?

My point? You like writing, and want to write. And that's great! But at the moment, by no fault of your own, you're missing the tools that make the job a LOT easier. And you won't get those tools in your classroom work because all professions are learned IN ADDITION to the nonfiction skills we're given there.

So...this was a lot to take in—like trying to take a sip from a fire-hose, all of it unexpected. But here's the deal: if you are meant to write, the learning will be fun. So I suggest a test. Look at a few of the articles in my writing blog. They're meant to give the hopeful writers like you a feel for what they're missing and why it matters. If your response is, "Hmmm...that's interesting, tell me more," look at a few good books on the tricks of the trade. You'll find them fascinating.

On the other hand, if your reaction is, "Ohh...I thought it would be a lot less complicated," you've learned something important. So it's win/win.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/