The lie that I believe

People lie to themselves all the time. I am no different

I have told a lie. I lied when I said I am ok. I lied when I said it doesn't hurt. I told my friends what they wanted to hear and I convinced myself that it was the truth. I live every moment lying to my friends and family. My parents haven't caught on. If they don't even realize the lie I have told, then who will? I say I'm fine, I'm happy, I can't wait for tomorrow. But in my mind I'm screaming, I can't, I'm scared, I'm useless, no one will miss me if I were to leave, tomorrow is another day of pain and broken promises. I have created a lie that I wish were true. I wish I was ok. I wish I liked myself. I wish that I didn't have to stop and look at myself in the mirrior thinking "why can't I be like them?" Why can't I have that shape, why can't I be loved, why is it that I'm the only one who understands me. Some may say that I'm just being a teenager, that I'll get over it. I can't get over something that has stayed with me since day one. I've been scared and on the run for as long as I could remember. I'm afraid of loud noises, I'm afraid of being touched suddenly, I'm afraid not knowing what is going to happen. I've tried so hard to fix myself. I've started telling myself that I am here, things will be fine, they'll work out, I'm not alone, I have friends, I even had a boyfriend. He changed my point of view. He would always say that he likes me, that I'm perfect. And I started to believe it. I started to listen to praise that I so rarely got. I was happy. But I was also confused. I didn't understand why he said these nice things to me. I didn't know how to respond when he did. But I guess it doesn't matters. He believed it and that is good enough for me. I wish that one day I could tell someone that I am not fine, that the world feels like it is crushing me and I can't breath. I'm scared of what I have become, but I have found that I am good at hiding it. I know it's wrong. I know that I should talk to someone, but I don't know how. I'm scared, I'm sad all the time, I just want to live without having to look over my shoulder for triggers. Maybe one day, I will tell someone. That day isn't now though. For now, I am fine. 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is a beautiful confession. There's nothing more beautiful to me than self-honesty. Who cares if you're lying to the world? As you say, we all do it. But the important part is to see how self-honest you are. The best writing can only be done thru self-honesty. I also love the way you show your insecurities in a balanced way. We all feel like we're freaking out at times, yet we can also stay calm & wait out the storm. I don't believe in getting people around me all invested in how freaked out I feel. If it's just a passing mood, then I don't want to perpetuate it by telling other people about it. This keeps it alive & people start to relate to you as the troubled one in subtle ways. So I think you're doing the right thing by being strong & putting on a front. I feel this is being done in a healthy balanced way in your case, even tho sometimes it must feel frustrating (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Faust]

Thank you so much for the review :) These words really meant alot.

-Emily