Phantum

Just a short story I wrote when I was 12

It was a dark and stormy night. Izabella known as Izzy was on a walk. It was 11:59 at night. Izzy had heard stories about a ghost named Phantum who would roam around exactly at 12:00 at night, and Izzy, a 16 year old, was here to put an end to all of this nonsense. She did not believe in ghosts. She looked at her watch. 10 seconds to 12. She slowly counted from 10 to 1 under her breath. Right when she said 1, a gust of wind blew making the smallest tornado you could possibly imagine. Izzy's hands felt sweaty and her heart was beating fast. Almost too fast. Suddenly a figure appeared. It was not a person and yet it was not an animal. It was not dead and it was not alive. Izzy stood frozen. She was too scared to move, or too even breath. The deep, dark figure moved closer and with its shadowy eyes, it stared deep into her soul. It reached its white, pale fingers to Izzy and...AAAAHHHH. Izzy screamed startling both Izzy and the figure. Without a moments hesitation, Izzy freed herself from the ghost's grasp. Suddenly she tripped and fell. She closed her eyes, prepared for what the ghostly figure was going to do to her. But she was not prepared for this. She heard a familiar giggle and above her stood her friend, Emma.

"Happy Halloween!" she cried.

Izzy was stunned but soon got over that as she was led to the Halloween party.

Author's Note

Sorry for any grammer or spelling errors. This story was rushed.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

....for a 12-year-old - not bad. It's a great premise, and the twist ending is good in its own right. For a 16-year-old, however, you got a lot of work to do in order to shape this up.

For starters, the first line is a cliché....I'm going to assume that was the prompt for the piece, in which case don't change it, but what you DO need to do is show us the "stormy" portion, AND the "dark" for that matter. Otherwise that line is meaningless. In the narrative she should either be addressed as "Izabella" or "Izzy". The second sentence adds a nice touch to the narrative, indeed, but the narrative doesn't call for it. It would be great - and a good character development factor - if you were to describe that she wasn't necessarily "known" as "Izzy", but that she would be called by no other name. That's how that line would make more sense. *roam, not "rhome". Show, don't tell is the rule of thumb with writing. There are "telly" aspects that cannot be "shown" as it were, but you can def describe that she's "16 years old" in a showy manner by taking readers back to her past in a way - saying she never believed in ghost stories and for her entire life (or whatever) she was trying to prove them wrong (at which time give readers the sense of why this "Phantum", which since it's actually spelled "phantom", it would be interesting to know how it came to be spelled with the "u"). Try not to address the reader in the narration (using "you") unless the narrator is First Person....it really takes away from the power of the narration itself. Simply describe the action as you see it. English has words for that. "Breath" is the noun, "breathe" is the verb. "Izzy screamed, startling HERSELF and the figure" (better than using the name twice, which undermines the power of the story-telling). Don't be afraid to use commas and combine thoughts. Example: "Without a moment's hesitation, Izzy freed herself from the ghost's grasp, and tripped, falling......" (finish the thought). "She was not prepared for what came next" or "....what followed" (no one would understand what the "this" would be referring to).

The last little bit just begs sooooo many questions, namely: if Izzy never believed in ghosts or ghost stories, and suddenly realizes that she's been pranked by her friend on Halloween (which should be taken into some account at the beginning - maybe be part of the "history" of the "Phantum"), why is she stunned? This is a win for her. The Phantum doesn't exist. Then what's the deal with Emma performing the prank in the first place? What does she have to gain from it. It's a nice twist and all, but it's all anticlimactic because no loose ends are tied.

Like I said, as a 12-year-old ingenue, this is a great and fun story, as a 16-year-old contender in the literary world, this needs a whole lot of work. Good luck.

[7's]

rushed me into the moment as it flowed.. before Emma.. I mean i felt chills what's going to be next and then, what the....
this story broke my heart. the fun in this and the thrill was like when we wrote stories for tests in school.

[Rye]

I love this, it's cute and lively. Very nicely written

[Jacob Clifford]

Cute story with a fun ending. For being written by a twelve-year-old, this story is fine. It has a motive, an exciting event, and an unexpected ending; all things most stories should have. There isn't much I could mention that emipoemi hasn't already said in her great review. Don't be afraid to take your time. Describe things, show how they happen and how the main character responds. The suspense in this story could be much stronger if things were told in greater depth. Typically, the word "suddenly" should be avoided. It announces that something surprising is about to happen, making it less of a surprise. In many cases, the word could be omitted entirely, or replaced with a loud action: something banged, something melted out of the shadows, etc etc. It would be very interesting to see more writing from you. I enjoy your writing voice, and with some touch-ups, I think your writing could be very interesting.

On an unrelated note, you have the same first and last name as my sister.

[Faust]

That is so cool about your sister.

[emipoemi]

I second these additions.

(I don't however take too kindly as being mistaken for a female......)

[Faust]

Sorry. I was talking about clifford's sister. He (assuming is a he) posted that I have the same name as his sister.

[emipoemi]

No, I got that part. I was referring to the fact that he had referred to me as a "her" in his comment, (and he's not the first to have done that, and I still don't understand why - lol)

[Faust]

Oh. Well at least he said you left a great review which I agree to.

[emipoemi]

well the pleasure is all mine :) and as mentioned, I second his additions.

[Jacob Clifford]

My apologies! I don't believe we've ever spoken, and I guess I got my wires crossed at some point. I won't make that mistake again.

[Faust]

No worries

[emipoemi]

none at all :)