I'll Be "Fine"

Even if it feels like it, you are not alone.

I need more time.

Everyone says they understand how scared I am, but really, they don't. At least not the extent of it. I'm absolutely terrified. I'm not ready to be on my own. But, come to think of it, will I ever truly be ready?

I'm having to face my fear everyday - Monday through Friday. I'm learning how to get into college and whatnot. It's a daily reminder that, every passing day, I get closer to being on my own. I get closer to having everything shoved my way and being expected to know what to do with it all. Oh, don't forget, if you mess up with college or life, it's a very expensive consequence. "You'll be fine," everyone says to me. No, I won't be fine. I will be completely lost and won't know what to do. I will be stumbling blindly through life, hoping I am going the right way. Sure, someone might hand me a flashlight somewhere along the way, but the light only goes so far ahead of me and the batteries will only last so long before they make my light flicker and die, surrounding me in darkness once more. It's terrifying and I know I should be doing everything I can to get situated, but I'm caught in headlights, too scared to move out of the way.

I start school and have to put my anxiety into a headlock and choke it into submission before I can even start anything. In the same way, I have to do it again in the afternoon. It's harder the second time. Always is. Sometimes, I don't win. My opponent is sneaky like that. It will crush me, make it hard to breathe as if I inhaled a cloud of cigarette smoke he blew into my face. Secondhand smoke. He laughs at me, my anxiety taking shape of the devil, his heavy leather boot pressing against my chest. He leans down again, pressure increasing as he balances himself on my dangerously bent rib cage and smiles - smoke billowing out through his teeth. He knows he's won and walks away laughing, throwing his cigarette down next to me. Leaves me laying on the ground, shaking uncontrollably, stifling my crying enough to stay quiet. It makes me shake even more. Leaves me with more doubt, more pressure.

Author's Note

So, this one is not as open to suggestions or editing as my other writings are. This is mostly because these are more my thoughts and I don't want to edit my original ones. I only posted this because I know there are others out there who fear becoming their own rulers in their life and I wanted to let you all know, you are not alone. Sometimes, it truly feels that way, but you are not.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

You have captured that anxiety that many young adults feel. Well done. I especially like that your anxiety becomes a solid presence - your opponent. Very imaginative.

[Hosimone]

Thank you. =]

[Coyote Poetry]

It is well written and you made the reader understand the thoughts and the situations. Life is stressful and we must stop. Gather thoughts and go forward. Thank you Holly for sharing your words and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Hosimone]

Thank you =]

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Holly.