Chapter 1

Michael is living with four others sides of himself.Pretty good,right?Wrong!

"So,Michael,explain to me again,you simply push second,matrix,go over once-"

 

"Twice,"Michael corrected Daniel.

 

"Whatever!"Daniel answered,"So,go over twice push 'Enter',put in the demons-"

 

"Dimensions-"

 

"Shut up!" Daniel stood up and threw the calculator down and ran over to Ralph,who was sitting slumped on the couch,channel surfing.

"Come on!Let's play patty-cake!"Daniel whined.

"No,"Ralph answered lazily.

"Please?"

 "No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Daniel,he said 'No',"Michael intervened.

"But I wanna play!"Daniel whined, sounding like he was five instead of sixteen.

"Go read a book."

"Ew,"Ralph said looking at MIchael in disgust,"I can't believe you just said that!"

"You want him to keep bothering you?"

"No!"

"Then quit complaining!"

"Guys,be quiet!"Roran demanded,sitting at the kitchen table,writing his Document Based question(DBQ for short) frantically."You're stressing me out-"

"If that's possible,"Michael muttered.

"Obviously it is,"Ralph whispered.

"Leave me alone!" Roran wailed, picking up his work,notebooks,pencils, and bag and running to his room.

"What.A.Baby,"Daniel said,playing with Ralph's hiar.

"Would you stop?" Ralph asked him.

"I don't wanna!"

"Please?"

"Noooo!!"

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!!" Daniel squealed and ran under the table.Ralph picked up a couch cushion and hid behind it.Michael looked into the kitchen where Dante stood,looking absoulutely frightening.

"I AM TRYING TO COOK!!"

"Calm down,"Michael suggested.

"Noooo!!"

"Well,quit yelling."

"Ok..."Dante admitted defeat and went back to cooking dinner.

"He's scary,"Daniel said,crawling out from under the table.

"You think everything's scary,"Ralph pointed out.

"So?"

 "So quit being a loser,"Ralph yawned.

"I'm not a loser!"

"Yes you are."

"Nu-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are."

"Be quiet,you two,"Michael ordered.Ralph and Daniel ignored him.Michael sighed.They were always fighting.

"DINNER'S READY!!"

"Dante,I asked you to quit yelling."

"Get over it,"Dante answered,stepping out of the kitchen with bowls.Ralph looked at the food in disgust.

"This looks gro-"

BAM!!

"Wanna finish that?"Dante asked dangerously.

"O-of course not.Wouldn't dream of it,"Ralph answered with swirly eyes.

"What is it?"Roran asked as he sat on the couch with the others.

"Goulash,"Dante said proudly.

"Ew,"everyone groaned.

"WHAT DID YOU ALL JUST SAY?!"

Everyone scattered.

"Dante,the yelling!" Michael pointed out,dodging a fist.

"GET OVER IT!!"

"RUNAWAY!!"

"EVERYONE STOP YELLING!!"

Just a typical day at home.

Author's Note

New version of this chapter with proper format ^_^ Only took like 3 minutes ^_^ Enjoy

Reviews

[Druella]

I am curious on where this might lead. I would have liked a bit more of something to give me some idea as to what is going on here. The only thing I know is that one of them is 16, though both Ralph and Daniel seem to be portrayed as 3 year olds and they don't really break that except for those few brief lines at the beginning. I would love to see more insight on either your characters or the plot you are going for. Something to pull a reader in.

[Derek Cummings]

Okay, so I'm very behind on this story, seeing that it was posted a few years ago. I was scanning stories and came upon it. Interesting how you wrote this first chapter in all or mostly dialogue. i lie it. It really helps describe the scenes and characters. i would like to know a little about the setting. Perhaps a paragraph or two. This story sounds entertaining and I think i could connect with the characters.

[Dark Angel]

lmao, I forgot how hilarious the beginning is. ok, first of all, you have minor spelling (hair) and you leave out commas where they are needed. You don't describe much in it but then again, most of your beginning chapters are more dialogue. Oh, and the "BAM!!" part, tell us what happened exactly. The word itself is not sufficient enough. And another thing, when Dante tells everyone to stop, you say "Daniel squealed..." At first, I thought it was Daniel who told everyone to shut up. Maybe you could clarify as to who is talking. All in all, I still love it! ^_^

[Chris]

The first chapter isn't too bad. It's a comical start to the story, but I think I have to agree with what Druella said; there should be something more to grab the reader's attention a lot better. Right now there isn't enough of a narrative hook. It would be nice to have an introduction that gives us an idea of where the story is going to lead, because right now it doesn't seem like there's much of a story if the introduction is just introducing a typical day at their home.

Also, like Druella said, more of an insight on the characters might not hurt either. They seem to blend together too much in my mind, which isn't exactly something you want, because people might not be as interested if every single character sounds/acts almost the exact same way (unless you're doing it for some higher, thematic purpose). Then again, this is only the first chapter, too, so I don't expect every single character to be completely characterized either. Still, a physical description of what they look like would be nice. I mean, right now, for all I know, Dante could be balding, or have hair growing out of his ears.

Also, there should be a space after punctuation. Like:

"Get over it," Dante answered, stepping out of the kitchen with bowls. Ralph looked at the food in disgust.

It should look like that. It looks a lot neater than it does when the next sentence is right up against the period in front of it. And don't take my word on this entirely, but I don't think it's necessary to have more than one explanation point (like "!!"). One should suffice.

And for this:

"BAM!!"

could you explain what is happening? I mean, it's obvious Dante hit Ralph, but you should at least somehow mention where Ralph was hit, whether it be describing the action as it happened, or describing a bump/red mark where he was struck. I mean, having "BAM!" is fine I guess, but some description should be used also. A written story isn't the same as a comic book. There are no visual representations for us to see what happened; the picture needs to be painted through words, otherwise we can't see what you may have seen when you wrote that part of the chapter.

One more tiny thing:

"Ralph answered with swirly eyes."

I'm not sure, but I don't think people actually get swirly eyes when they get hit. Beware of using some anime expressions in written stories, because not every expression, if any at all, is realistic. While this may be a fantasy story, you need to keep some realism, otherwise people who haven't watched anime will be quirking a brow and wondering what was up with that reaction. (Unless this is meant to be a manuscript for a manga/anime story, which I can't tell because WritersCafe fails at mentioning what genre something is written in. If this is the case, then ignore these last two points I made.)

[Dutch Jr.]

Very comical. I love your dialogue.

[Deaths Cold Kiss]

ha ha:D this chapter was good, a very good start, next chapter please!!!!!!!!:)

[Victoria Thornton]

And now I feel like I am at home. I like it. Funny how at the very beginning that it sound so much like you, because of the corrective grammer and stuff.

GO BUNNY!!!!

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I thought it was great. It was funny to me. It made me smile. Thanks for sharing.

[Sseoni]

Wow! Hilarious! I loved it! I do have some suggestions though. Whenever someone different is talking, start a new paragraph. It makes it easier on the eyes.
Ex:
"So,Michael,explain to me again,you simply push second,matrix,go over once-"
"Twice,"Michael corrected Daniel.
"Whatever!"Daniel answered,
"So,go over twice push 'Enter',put in the demons-"
"Dimensions-"
"Shut up!" Daniel stood up and threw the calculator down and ran over to Ralph,who was sitting slumped on the couch,channel surfing.
"Come on!Let's play patty-cake!"Daniel whined.
"No,"Ralph answered lazily.
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
Even though it makes the chapter longer, it's a lot easier to read. Please, don't take this personally. I'm only trying to help. Some of the other writers up here gave me that advice, and it helped a lot!

Wonderful chapter! I love it so far! :D

[Brendan Kerestes]

Um, is this a story or a paragraph? And there's something called a enter key.