Why I am the Way I Am

A Story by emily

The Franzene/Costa Family Words of Wisdom On:

Life in general:

Mother: “Emily! You’re five foot one?! Great. How many five foot one people are famous? None of them! Five foot one lawyer? Yeah right! I’ve failed you. I don’t get it �" it’s not like I gave you scotch and coffee! You know what? No. You failed me. I have no daughter. You should’ve tried harder.”

Father: “You see this scar? Know how I got it? Shark bite. Yup. Yessir. Shark bite. See the other day, work calls me up and they’re all like ‘Hey Coz, there’s a shark in the water heating system. Could you and your good looks come save us?’ and I’m like ‘Why yes’”. So I get there, and what do I do? I punch it in the face. And THIS scar you ask? It’s a puncture wound. From when I wrassled a porcupine. Yup. Yessir. It tried to get me in the abs too. But you can’t puncture steel!”

Grandmother: “Someone unfriended my best friend at church and I had to hear about that for ten minutes! I’m like lady, you’re 200 years old! These are the kind of problems you want to have! Grow up. And grow your eyebrows back.”

Grandfather: “What are you talking about? Curling is THE manliest sport”.

Bee stings:

Mother: “I don’t know how to tell you this, but… you just stepped on a bug with your bare foot. You best go wash that foot. You wash that foot girl. You wash that foot”.

Father: “You stepped on a bee? It better have died! Stupid, stupid bee, you don’t mess with a Costa!”

Grandmother: “I think you might be allergic. You’re foot doubled in size. That is a big foot! Ha. Bigfoot…”

Grandfather: “I’ll drive you to the emergency myself! Never mind the cost. That foot needs to go!”

Breakups:

Mother: “He dumped you?! That’s it. Where is my fanny pack? We’re leaving”.

Father: “I will rip off his arm and kill him with it!”

Grandmother: “Stay away from him. Don’t talk to him. Don’t call him. Don’t do that typing thing… texting. Or twitterbook. Unfriend him on twitterbook”.

Grandfather: “You know what I always say: dump the chump. What? No! I didn’t mean you are the chump. I mean you should’ve dumped the chump before he dumped you! Oh God, don’t cry…”