The Bedlam Memoir Of DeLorenzo Santiago

It was probably a hundred. It might have been a thousand. Yeah, that was it! One thousands demons, charging out the pages of a demonic grimoire, and heading straight for me. Wasn’t too hard to do them all in, though. The second they rushed me, I busted out a second grimoire, absorbing all their stupid-asses right back into other enchanted book.

This was just one of a million instances which have made me one of the top most feared demon slayers to have ever walked the Earth. When the guilty close their eyes, they see demons. When demons close their eyes, they see me! As for my background, I’m not Italian, or Spanish. I am American, I guess. Just American. Not that my name would suggest that.

It’s not actually my real name, of course. It’s too cool to be my real name. I like my new name better. My last one sucked. At least, when I bust into a room full of demons now, they know who’s staring them down. Not like how things used to be, working as the assistant for that piss-poor excuse for a monster-hunter.

Killing demons is where it’s at. And not only is it fun, but quite productive and good for the afterlife. Less demons equals less evil in the universe. I used to be the assistant to this middle-aged monster-hunter, back in my teenage days. His name was Harry, and damn was he powerful. We fought monsters of all sorts.

But nothing could have prepared us for a freakin’ Sumerian Demon! It cut Harry right in half, and not too long afterwards, I was shoving a silver crucifix up it’s a*s. I guess that was when I first realized that demons were the one biggest threat in today’s society.

And they come in all forms. Sometimes it’s hard to talk your way out of police custody after a demon massacre. Especially when it leaves you drenched in the blood of said demons. I’d say I’m decently established. I kinda work like a private investigator, with clients coming to me. Exorcisms are all talk and play.

Things really get kicking when you’re able to trick the demonic entity into manifesting itself. At that point I just start wailing on it till it’s dead. I believe I’ve killed over two hundred and twenty one demons, to date!

Shame, most monster-hunters don’t live long enough to even see two. I see other monsters now and again, but I won’t hunt them anymore. Most fear the forces of evil, just like humans do. Hunting them just made me feel like a jerk. Demons don’t really have ranks. Wherever they come from, it must be vast, cause sometimes it just seems like their population never ends.

I have been to Hell, or the Underworld, or the Nether, or whatever you want to call it. I went there, once. See, I met up with this ancient magician-guy a while back. He’s the one who gave me the grimoire that I use to fight and trap demons with, along with my wicked gun, The Interfectorem, and ancient sword, The Restitutor. So, yeah. Over the years I’ve come to use a variety of weapons to kill demonic forces all across Earth.

My trip to Hell wasn’t as bad as some would think.  I bumbled around a bit, went three circles down and got bored with the place. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was kinda chased out. It was a long story. I know a few lesser demons.

They aren’t really a threat, but apparently me hanging around with them gave em’ bad rep. So, I don’t go down there anymore. Not that it was ever easy to get there to begin with. The modern day pushes the ideas of the mystical and supernatural out of it’s mindset. The year is two-thousand and four, and I have no plan for retirement anytime soon!

I would say I’m the savior of mankind, in some ways, but I’m not going to. I’m just a poor sucker who was born into the wrong stretch of time, with the wrong people, and a slew of otherworldly shitheads to fight till the day I die.

Death. Now that’s something I’m gonna look forward to. I’m not one of those edgy folks who do good by the law of universe and live the life of some egotistical sinner, aching to tell their angsty backstories to love interests in the rainy moonlight. It’s all a joke.

My old master said I should get ready for the day when I would have to take on a successor. I don’t see that happening though. I been doing this so long, I’ve taken on so much s**t; I guarantee any student of mine has probably missed some pretty important pointers by now.

Besides, I’ve suffered the effects of taking on students prematurely. My first one went bad, killed some folks, so I had to lock him away in a book. I bet he’ll escape someday soon and we’ll have a whole big battle. No doubt, I’ll kick his a*s, but it’ll still be inconvenient.

My second student died on a trip back from the underworld. She never saw it coming. Problem was, because we chose to be in Hell at the time, couldn’t really ask for heavenly assistance if any dark entities got ahold of one of us. And I couldn’t save her. So no more students for me! Nothing but trouble. Then again… third times a charm.