A Conversation With Pontius Pilate on Crucifixion Day

This conversation should expose my confusion as to how the sect of Jesus expanded beyond the Jews. I intended it to be written in English Geordie dialect. In fact I may transpose it later.

Pontius was in the grip of an enormous hang over.  He called his chief of staff Marcus, for help.

Pilate.    "Marcus I feel dreadful I know we have work today but I can't quite remember---."

Marcus.  "Sir its crucifixion day again so we have to clear our heads!"

Pilate.   "Crucifixion!  Anyone interesting?"

Marcus;  "My lord, we crucify the usual criminals, plus the Rabbi today."

Pilate.    "A Rabbi!  Who agreed to that?  You know these Jews!  We have  just got the taxation system running smoothly. You know that if there is one thing that inflames the Jews it's tampering with their religious set up.  I shall send of to the coast for reinforcements!"

Marcus  "No sir!  You agreed it.  It should not be a problem.  Don't you remember its that Jesus! A  Rabbi from rural Galilee.  You know!  He upset the Jerusalem Temple Rabbis in a big way.  Now they want rid of him because he stirred up the local yokels saying the head Rabbis were corrupt. They lacked compassion and were arrogant!

Pilate.  "Well what priests aren't?  Why can't the Jews be like me?  Buy a pigeon take it to any amount of temples.  Give the bird to a priest, pay him to sacrifice it and pray on my behalf.  Then it off home to wine and fondle a slave!  Oh!  And by the way.  I hope this fellow Jesus has no followers to worry about."

Marcus. "Well he has lots of followers but they are really impressionable, peasants, fishermen and illiterates.  The Head Rabbi reckons if he visits Galilee parish, with the temple guards and the Tora scrolls, he should get them all back to normal.  Mind you sir!    Jesus is a good speaker.  A very good speaker.  He does has to go."

Pilate.   "What charges did we sentence him for?"

Marcus.  "Easy! Jesus the Rabbi contravened Prelate regulation X1.  Proclaimed himself a King in a Roman State.  Simple treason.  Even if it was only King of the Jews."

Pilate.   "Yes I remember now.  Have you got that rose branch crown I suggested?  And the sign to stick up behind his head?  That will make it clear where Rome is coming from.  We should get away with it."

Marcus.  "Well the Jewish aristocracy want him gone.  He's a troublemaker.  They should soon forget the whole issue.  You know?  Similar to that John The Baptist bloke.  Jesus was one of his lot and who remembers The Baptist now?"

Pilate.    "Well its all a Jewish thing, let's just appease.  I don't care how many we kill but I will get sacked if they revolt and we have to spend to crush them again.  Is there anyone else who might jump on the bandwagon Marcus?  That's what worries me. I don't want this to come back and haunt us!

 

Marcus.  "Sir what do you mean?"

Pilate.    " Well there is one.  Saul from Tarsus; Jewish, very cunning, silver tongued.  He's working for us at the moment, collecting taxes for the Roman treasury.  He is looking for a bandwagon to jump on so I hear.  He is due a massive audit.  He's being greedy with his fees.  I do worry that someone might hijack this Jesus notion.  Start a sect in tribute to him,perhaps.  Even appointing Bishops for fees!  No! That's just stupid, right Marcus?

 

Pilate.  "MARCUS?"  "Where on Earth did he go?"     

 

Author's Note

Just a first attempt at something. Perhaps a script. Not sure what.

Reviews

[Writeress]

Haha, I really like this. Pilate, like many political leaders today, just didn't know what he was doing. He barely had an opinion on Jesus. Just going with the flow. Making sure he can still control the people. Fun to read Ron, nice work.

[emmajoy]

Oh my, my - there is wicked humour and knowledge and amazing writing in this post, i'm reeling after reading it twice.

The way you've updated this is incredibly clever.. so naughty, so witty but clever, very clever

Thank you for sharing such a unique piece of writing. Please find a trillion friends to read your work.