Memory 118, page 2

the journey continues

                  “Listen all! Wonch be going anymore tenight,” The words flew out off with a frosty steam hazing up in the air as when a train gets off clattering its iron wheels. Two front black teeth were seen out of a forest of tangled beard which left no space for any sign of a mouth; a sticky hat atop, a tangled beard below covered the dwarf man’s bulky clay-colored facade except for a pair of black ear-length eyes with slithered snake-line stitches from his left eye bag down nowhere as the jangled beard climbed the cheeks. A black fur cloak squeezed his body vehemently; under the sleeves a gang of by a hair's breadth fitted gloved fingers clutching the hand yard. Fluffy boots mounted the ankles within which a pant thicker than three ordinary pants slipped inside forcefully.  As a matter of fact, he could serve an ace verification for mythological experts that one day dwarves shared earth in the company of humans.

                  “There!” he shrugged with his pan wide index finger at nowhere and I thought how stupid it appeared to motion at somewhere when nobody could see where. “We stay ena village fere night and before dawn we must move; know them, villagers, they ll give us a place fer tenight. Come… Follow me.” No voice could able to befriend that appearance any better. Thus my ears needed pretty a time to attune to the never heard accent, yet his voice had aggravated it further. A grin-meant tone which could dehydrate any well filled with hope not to listen to any more word from him.

            He was a Qachaxchy and was known as Ramzi, I did not know if it might be his real name or not because you would have a less chance to talk to a Qachaxchy. As a truth, Human beings cannot survive for days without having water and food, but it is not applicable to every human, and the archetype was Ramzi.  Ramzi could live for days without water and food but would die with one day without his nourishment; money. He drunk it, ate it, even adore it over god. He was not a slave of god but a slave of money.

Qachaxchy was the most hazardous, dodgy, and at the edge of death job. You would become a Qachaxchy whilst either you have nothing worthy to care for in life or else you worth something to your life.  

            Qachaxchy was the one who infringed the legal borders along with transported passengers from a country to the other. When attain a specific location between Iran and Turkey‘s ambiance the passengers would be shifted from the Iranian Qachaxchy to the Turkish Qachaxchy. Each passenger was feed three thousand dollars which was handed over by three times and given to the Qachaxchy posse who worked jointly; if captured in an ambush the cash would not be returned. Hence your priority would be to focus on how possible you might carry on devoid of being caught.  In the whole history of immigration, no one ever dreaded that actuality than me; whoever be arrested, let be arrested, there would always be another chance, but when a chance would refuse to happen once more, all you would have to do is to keep it and save it.

 There, every step I took, the door behind was locked after me; either going on or breathe your last breath because after all what awaited behind the door was an injured death seeking revenge; there was no turning back. Every so often I thought even if only it penalties my life I dared to go back but when it came down to most valuable lives to me I dared going anywhere but back.

Ramzi was accustomed to the climate and acquainted his body well with the all paths we took. Spoke very slightly; almost was mute since he just gestured or hissed to tell us something. It was down to earth obvious that to him we were no more than slaves, but I had pride, better to say had had, because life so easily takes back what is its’, but when you want something from it would give it by a high price.

 I had had pride and dignity but life annexed it from me so willingly as if I never had one. How might he have thought of us … as slaves… sheep… poor… needy…mindless…what more… animals, no I avow if what had happened had not happened, or if destiny had not played me, I would never have allowed and never forgiven myself to be sold to a human like him, but these were empty words, I was nothing, yeah he was totally right I was a puny.

We were a pack of twenty, some were families and even had babies and kids with them, and some single like me. I had never imagined myself ever to be here, worlds away from home in Iraq.  As Ramzi rarely gave us notes I knew that we shortly entered Van and we were heading to the villages at its north border line.  We were grateful for this and relieved when an opportunity would soon come to rest after eight perilous, no-rest no-eat, hours trespassing  border between Iran’s boundaries into Van by feet.  Each minute we approximated to encroach into Turkey, chances for being dead boosted up. We were now stepping on the top of an array of hills where instead of ground pebbles rugged the hills.

            I was sure that we all would have paid everything just to go home, not further…

Kraaaaaaaaaaaaack

Author's Note

if you liked or disliked the first two pages informe me, would help alot.

Reviews

[Alleyway Rover]

Overall Impression:
What is the conflict of this particular scene? It sounds like they are still trying to get to Van, Turkey through a frozen hellscape. It sounds like they are being lead by a Qachxchy which, in my country, sounds similar to a coyote, or a person that aids in illegal border crossing.

If this is the case, I think it needs to be clearer. Keeping in mind that you are writing in a second language, there is still a lot of syntax and word choice issues that make it hard to understand. I listed a few below, but I stress again it might be valuable to work with a native speaker in order to really help the clarity here.

There is tons of description here, a lot of talk about what could happen, but not a lot of talk about what is actually happening here and now. This sort of works because this passage is so short, and it sounds like something is about to happen by the end of this piece.

That being said, focus a little on the here and now. If they are sneaking across a boarder, let us know what is going on. Your main character would be focusing on his surroundings incessantly I think, so describe what’s around. Are there things moving nearby? Does it feel like the convoy is being watched? Are there strange sounds in the air? What does the village nearby look like? Is it a welcome sight? I am assuming it is night now, but is it really? Is the sun out or are they trudging through the snow in the dark?

Additional Notes:
“Two front black teeth were seen out of a forest of tangled beard which left no space for any sign of a mouth…”
This description is confusing, if you can’t see his mouth, how can you see his teeth?

“ As a matter of fact, he could serve an ace verification for mythological experts that one day dwarves shared earth in the company of humans.”
I liked this description a lot. In fact, I think you almost use too many words to describe this person in the rest of the paragraph. The phrase alone does a lot to put a really good picture in my head. Think about sticking with this and cutting down the rest of the paragraph.

“We stay ena village fere night and before dawn we must move; know them, villagers, they ll give us a place fer tenight. Come… Follow me.”
I get the impression that the way this is worded is meant to convey a heavy accent or dialect. Writing the way a person sounds when they talk can be a very effective method of bringing a character to life, but it’s sometimes possible to make it hard to understand. I think you’re stepping a little to close to that extreme here.

“….but it is not applicable to every human, and the archetype was Ramzi.”
I think you mean, ‘the exception to every human…’.

“Qachaxchy was the one who infringed the legal borders along with transported passengers from a country to the other.”
This sentence is a little confusing. Consider, “A qachaxchy smuggles people between countries illegally.” or something like that.

“Each passenger was feed three thousand dollars which was handed over by three times…”
Each passenger paid three thousand…

“Each passenger was feed three thousand dollars which was handed over by three times and given to the Qachaxchy posse who worked jointly; if captured in an ambush the cash would not be returned. Hence your priority would be to focus on how possible you might carry on devoid of being caught.  In the whole history of immigration, no one ever dreaded that actuality than me; whoever be arrested, let be arrested, there would always be another chance, but when a chance would refuse to happen once more, all you would have to do is to keep it and save it.”

This paragraph is really confusing to me. I think what you are saying is that if they are caught (who would they be caught by?) the three thousand they paid would not be returned. It also sounds like this is the main character’s last chance to make this crossing. I assume because they have no more money, is that right? Are there signs of police or military looking for them? What is likely to happen if they get caught?

Later you talk briefly about not getting caught. Talk more about this. What are people doing to avoid this? Are they trying to blend into the crowd? Are they hiding valuables? What are people actually doing to avoid this fate? More importantly, what is the main character doing to avoid this?

‘I had pride and dignity but life annexed it…’
I think you mean ‘life took it’ or ‘life ceased it’

This passage ends with something happening. I look forward to seeing what that is.

Hope some of this helps. Cheers!

[Baban.A.A]

first thanks once more for your very detailed review, I really appreciate it. all the points we mentioned for sure will help alot. you approximately approached the scene it is night, nearly passed midnight. they dread being caught because if they will be seen by the Gendermas who are very brutal border soldiers they will be shot, or if caught will be punished in prison and then will be handed over to Iraq, but Hawar, the main character, cann't be caught, I mean it is the end he never wants to see. you have no idea how I suffred from this I have memories from this as you never even wonder about but cann't tell it all. I will edit it again, and about the descriptions you are right it is much of a story, there is a very little action and plot. thanks again for reviewing, thanks for your time.

[Alleyway Rover]

That's what I'm talking about. That's intense and something I can even imagine. Describe the Gendermas, their reputation and what is at stake for your character. Describe what he sees, smells, hears and feels as he and the rest of his group cross the border with this ever-present danger over their heads.
This is good stuff, I look forward to more.

[Baban.A.A]

thanks again forthat, as you like it I will strive on hard to even reduce the mistakes, and the points you said I for sure put into work. thanks again

[Prritiy]

much has been said about grammar n composition. so i will just tell it is interesting though at times it seemed a bit too much info of others than the central character..... and the end...wooof something happened.

best wishes

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much, to be honest I kind of wrote these two first in a rush, and did not gave them much thought and consideration, I do find that there are many constriants and blocks in the writing which for sure you, the readers, let me realize them. you are absolutely right, Ramzi has taken the better part og this page and there are many infos about him, thank you for telling me this you were the first one who have told me that. thanks again for your real and kind words, I do my best not to let you down in the upcoming ones. best wishes to you too.

[Prritiy]

you are welcome :)

[Ayvid N]

Baban,

First, let me compliment you on the building up of the character of Qachaxchy so well. Despite the constraints in language, the reader can perceive everything you want to convey about this professional human smuggler right away.

Secondly, the intrigue, suspense and uncertainity in the lives of escaping refugees / illegal immigrants is well brought out.

As far as the language problem is concerned, you could always take assistance from someone who is well-versed in your native language and English so as to bring in more clarity as well as further enhance the quality of this write.

But let me tell you friend, you are on the right track. This would make for a great book on the trials and travails of struggling immigrants.

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to provide feedback on this Chapter.

[Baban.A.A]

I do appreciate your review, your words are all precious and becoming. you are absolutely right , I this time worked more to fix and clearify the sentences but still it exists, my english barrier, but I will strive on to fix that soon. thank you so much for reading and reviewing, you are for sure one of my favourates here, thanks again.

[Ayvid N]

Thanks Baban, for the kind words. You are always wished the very best.