Memory 118

memories to be written, memories to be read. the time is in late 1987 in which hawar, a 21 year old Iraqi, heading out to Turkey. the time is when Saddam Hussein was still in power.

Memory

- 118^th -

 

Turkey…Van, December, 27th 1989, Wednesday…………….. 11:15 am

           

At a time when death quietly is ambling to you, even if it is invisible, your soul will answer it and advance to it. What heart would want? What mind would say? SURRENDER or FIGHT. 

            There is where I am now. I could just go further; better to say run away from behind. I asked myself the same irritable questions over and over with the hope to find justifications to my adversaries. Afterwards who am I?

            “Hey, yea…” I lifted my eyes arduously, which were shut already for awhile, and a rush of violent snow-like snow spattered against them. Wiping my eyes with my right arctic gloved fingers, could manage to shout back “ WHAT…” while I was not so sure it would reach anyone where for meters ahead on what on hell I was pacing on I could able to see just nothing except whiteness around me.

            My heart was trying to tear my chest apart as I was exhausted down to earth if it would be an expression to meet my physical condition, and also as I began to worry when it took a while and there was no any reply. Then as devil I started to chuckle because it was hilarious, I wanted to die while I worried to live longer.

 Lastly I managed to grasp some words through the storm ramming at me “ keep ep… ll be lost … yea weeek.” The voice drowned by the rattling wind and killing frenzy freezing crashes that crushed me.

Better to know me, my name is Hawar, 20; I am the third child in my family. We are ten children of a mismatched parent; a stern, mountain bodied, never-know-to rest father, and an angel soft, heaven-peace mother. I was born in Iraq, Its north part, in 1969. To say more about myself I won’t be able to say more.

Back to where I was I held my arm up my face and faced the storm along. I wished to run to cope up with the voice now I could hear a little, but I hardly felt that I might have had any feet. My toes were motionless and ice-cold, my knees wanted to throw my body since they could not hold it up any longer, but yet I had to fight: I had to live.

Author's Note

this piece might be a little vage, but that is the memory in the middle of the memories which would babble many surprising secrets that will shock anyone. I look forward to hearing reviews which for sure construct the work, and encourage me on it.

Reviews

[SweetNutmeg]

OK, this is a tough piece to review. The narrator is describing a struggle against snow and cold, perhaps a storm, describing it in metaphors and complex sentences. Then suddenly we get this information about his (her?) name and family. The switch is abrupt and awkward. That is my main observation about the basic structure of the piece.

Now for the details of the writing itself.

Word order is a real problem. For example: "At a time when death quietly is ambling to you," adverbs almost always come after the main verb, before the secondary verb, so it would be "At a time when death is quietly ambling to you," Another example: "What heart would want?" In questions subject and verb are reversed, so it would be "What would heart want?"

Then there is the problem of word use. You use certain words in a way that lead me to believe you do not fully know the exact definition. English is a difficult language, because there are so many almost identical words that mean very different things. dw817 pointed out "further" and "farther," as an example. English is very sneaky and confusing.

My suggestion to you is to study word order. Choose very simple sentences from literature that you think are beautiful and diagram them, to see what order the words and clauses take. If you were my student I would have you divide the sentence into clauses, decide if they are independent or dependent clauses, then break the clauses into words, and observe the word order within each clause. I would also suggest you go back to your first English lessons to refresh your memory. When you are very advanced it is sometimes easy to forget the basics.

My other suggestion to you is to read as much as you can, so you can see words at work. If you find a word that is beautiful to you, learn everything you can about it. What part of speech is it? Is there more than one definition? An old fashioned English to English dictionary (PAPER! not on the computer!) can help because it shows the various forms a base word can take. Merriam-Webster and American Heritage are good American dictionaries. I do not know British dictionaries.

The ideal situation would be getting a one-on-one tutor to explore word order and definitions, as those are your major stumbling blocks.

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much, you are aright right about the structural part of the writing, as I commented on dw817's review I kind of wrote this very rush and did not reread and edited it that is why the mistakes and clause misplaces can be easily seen, however you are right again I also found out about that I need to go back to some simple tenses and word basics to revise my memory. I pretty appreciate your time reviewing and reading that helped alot. thanks again.

[Pryde Foltz]

I am intrigued how did this man from Iraq find himself in the arctic. Very intriguing, The pondering on wanting to die to end suffering but still wanting to live was very good.

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much, I feel pleased that you , one of the best here on this site, find this in a good track. feel really appealed with myself; thanks again for your time and review, I do appreciate it.

[Pryde Foltz]

My pleasure

[Prritiy]

i liked the piece of work here, intriguing, making the feel that something is There! more to come this is just a start.

best wishes

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much for your encouriging and kind words, I truely appreciate it. feel appealed by your review, thanks again.

[Prritiy]

you are welcome

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Nice chapter. A struggle to for life...the greatest fight : as if to live or to die. But in the end, there comes a positive outcome- the choice to live.

Great!

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much, I feel splendid you liked it. it was an awsome understanding of the chapter. very pleased with having your review. thanks again.

[Sami Khalil]

A splendid read and write ...Thank you for penning and sharing this struggle(s)..:)........

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much, pleaded you liked it.

[Sami Khalil]

I did. You are welcome...:)............

[Ayvid N]

I like the concept of your story a lot. The subject fights to stay above the water and there is much scope for thrill and excitement in this narrative. I agree with one of your writer friends, we can work on the plot, the story line first and then we can work on the polish, the surface veneer. What matters is having a good story first (which you have here) and the ability to capture the reader's attention.

Thank you for sharing this write...I wish you all the very best from the bottom of my heart!

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much for you read and review. I appreciate your understanding, you are aright right I am kind of working on polishing it and equip it in a better way. it means alot to me I wish all the same. thanks again.

[Ayvid N]

You are welcome Baban...we are all learners in this great writing world. Just keep writing and you will see...how you shine some day!

Have a wonderful day!

[Baban.A.A]

you twisted my tongue for this kind words and made me speechless, I surrender! i wish I also see you one day to be called Divya the writer of century. thanks you.

[Ayvid N]

There are many great writers who do not become successful because they do not have the zeal and enthusiasm that you have. So do make the most of it.

I will be around to provide more feedback on your good work in the days to come.

I am humbled and grateful for your good wishes. Thank you Baban!

[Angel]

Several of your other reviewers have already told you the problems with this piece, better than I could have done.
I love your "author's note"...memories in the middle of memories which would babble shocking secrets...that is so true!!
I totally agree with the one who told you...finish the work first, then worry about fixing it. Don't let yourself get bogged down in the mechanics of learning a second language...my goodness there are too many people struggling with English and it's their only language!! It's not an easy language to learn...be proud that you're doing as well with it as you are.
The only thing that I would add here is that, when you do get to the point where you are ready to "fix it"...the real trick is going to be adjusting these mechanical issues, without losing the Iraqi flavor of the work, if you understand what I mean. In other words, while your English needs work...maybe, in the finished piece, you don't want it to be so good that you begin to sound...well...English.
Anyway...lookin' good so far, Hun!!

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much for your read and review. I bet you are right the problems with my english caused the piece kind of vague, I am aware of it, but as you mentioned, some other day someone else told me that you don't have to blow or ruin the whole piece up, he also said there is an Iraqi flavour in it that I have to be careful about, so thank you so much for assuring me of the point.

[KAin]

I've checked some of the reviews here, and they've picked up some of the things wrong with this piece - I won't be repeating what they've said.
This feels like a first draft, and in need of some polish. Some of the sentences, though confusing at first, could be aided with some simple punctuation here and there and it'll be perfect.

Personally, I think you've got the feeling and conflict right in the story - it's the technical aspect of writing that needs a bit of work - but that's something that gets better with practice. Read your favourite authors, see how they construct sentences, pay attention to the way they phrase things. When you write again, you may find yourself shifting to their style - don't worry about that. Sounding like someone else at first is expected - it takes time to find your own voice.
That said, I do like where you're headed with this story. Keep going, and get the words out!
You can always edit later, and the reviews here will certainly help you out.

[Baban.A.A]

thank you so much for reading and reviewing. you are certainly right it is the first draft, it meanss you have a very good sense of forseeing things, and yeah I also when reread it find out that it needs rephrasing and editing because some sentences are vague and complex. thanks for the advice for sure I will do that, again thanks for your time.

[Lydia Shutter]

What a captivating topic.....what would one do when death approaches? Something to ponder for sure. You have certainly answered the question from your perspective in this write. You have shared a lot of yourself in the detailed imagery. It's true your English is not perfect, but I had no trouble understanding your meaning. Well written. Lydi**

[Baban.A.A]

thank you so much for reading and sharing your thought , I do appreciate it. you are totally right I kind of wrote that page in a rush so it had mistakes, but by knowing that you grasped what I wanted the person who read it to understand made me feel very happy, thanks again for your kind words.

[dw817]

⊰ℙℝ⊱ (Personal review)
You sent me a PM for a review so I'll go all out. :)

I could just go [further ?]; better to say run away from behind.
Further and Farther are two difficult words. Make sure you are using the right one in this instance.
Further means to a greater extent whereas Farther means to a greater distance.

and also as I began to worry when it took [a while ?] and there was no any reply
Awhile and "A while" are two difficult entries. Make sure you are using the right one in this instance. Because of the depth of this, I have included a link you can research more on this.
http://bit.ly/16yhSTF

To say more about myself I [won’t ?] be able to say more.
You should never use contractions in formal writing. However, you are using first-person, that is the narrator is YOU so in this instance, it is correct. I just wanted to point this out in case you ever write third-person narrative.

I wished to run to cope up with the voice now I could hear a little, but I hardly [felt/thought] that I might have had any feet.
Are you emotional about the feet ? :) Felt and Thought can also be complex. Understand that Feel and Felt are used for emotions, if you are not emotionally attached to the statement then you should use Thought in it's place.

and a rush of violent [snow-like ?] snow spattered against them
Isn't snow already like snow ?? :D Never use the same word descriptor as the noun.

There were a few instances and sentences that appeared wordy to me, but considering the small length of this chapter, I would keep it all.

Hope This Helps !

[Baban.A.A]

thank you very much, I very much appreciate your review, it really is what I look for. you are right now when I reread the whole chapter I can figure out the mistakes. thanks for your time reading and reviewing, but only if you could also tell me about the content, did you like it, was it worthy that made me sent you a request to read it or not. thanks again.

[dw817]

As for content, you might keep the font size the same except when detailing elements like the title of the story, etc. The plot is apparently non-fiction and grim having to do with the war.

I am biased towards stories that are silly, funny, magical, and zany - and have very little to do with suicide, war, or death. Now - that is just me. Your story is well-written, it's just not a subject matter I would want to approach on my own. Other people may thoroughly enjoy it.

I consider myself a teen reader and try to write such, stories dealing with school, bullies, and basically fitting in. I also deal with notions such as technology, time travel, angels, demons, fairies, dragons, and adventure.

I do, however, work elements from my own life into my stories. Although when I do, I try to write at a level where there is re-read value. That is, what I wrote paints such a clear picture that someone will want to read it again later, especially to catch up on the story.

You have to ask yourself, are you writing something that others will find so entertaining and unusual that they will want to read it again later ? Enjoying a media a 2nd time around, whether it's a book, music, or movie, is perhaps one of the most important traits it can have and a requisite not to be underestimated certainly in the field of writing.

[Baban.A.A]

your words are all precious, I read the recent request you wanted me to read and to be honest it was fantastic, I also pretty much adore young teen stories, and I am a huge Harry potter reader, what I mean is that I too enjoy busy myself with stories few people can imagine happening in real life, but the potential of life is to see a side of it that may not exist. by the way, I am now planning for two years writing a series of 8 books, for children, which for sure I am very much interested in, and I may want two or more years to finish the first one. it is a fantasy, adventerous, and fiction novel. I explained that just to let you know this book is a start, but my larger goal and field of writing is my next book. thanks very much again to yea.

[dw817]

While I may recognize what is good in a story, I can't always claim to produce the same. The best writing I have done truly is for a teenage mind. And - perhaps that's where mine is most of the time. :)

As for your planned writing, the very best wishes and by all means BACK UP YOUR WORK. I have lost countless chapters not just of Barrier but Nancy Principle and other short stories by not following this simplest of life's lessons.