How I learned to swim

This is a story about how I learned and am still learning to navigate through tough situations. And how I learned to properly place blame for those situations.

Sometimes I feel scared. Sometimes I feel anxious. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel angry. I slowly drown myself in self-pity and hide behind open-closed doors. Open, because I’m afraid to be alone. Closed, because I don’t want anyone to see what I am. It’s a crippling existence, I tell myself as the room fills up. I gasp for breath as this may be my last. The words weak, spoiled, cryer have been thrown around which usually quickens how the room fills. I looked for a way out. It seemed hopeless.

Today someone opened my door for me. One of the voices that circles my mind daily. A calm, yet commanding voice. She opened it a crack, and told me what was happening. How the room started filling up in the first place. Suddenly I could breathe. Barely, but I could. She told me it was my choice. It’s not about the opened or closed door. It’s about if I choose to stay in or not.

I kept wishing, hoping, praying for another way out. It’s a crippling existence, I told myself. But her words combated against my own. I began to see the way out.

I plunged myself in the deep waves of pity, and for the first time, I began to swim through it. Passing all my fears, insecurities, and reasons to turn around. With force, I pushed past them and followed her voice. Putting my hand on the cold knob, I turned it. In a rush, everything in that destructive room I had seeked coverage in for so long came out. I had navigated through it.

I was fortunate. When I emerged, she was still there. But they aren’t always. Often they grow frustrated and tired of listening to the faucet drip. Especially when they know it was you who turned it on.

There will be ups and downs. There will be twists and turns you won’t see coming. Sometimes you may find yourself drowning once again. But you have to be in control of yourself. Not everyone gets a wake up call. I did, luckily.

And that it the story of how I learned to swim.