My Beginning

My simple way to start off this first chapter took some thought, but after some time of pondering back and fourth through my brain and trying to work our what some famous authors have written, I came to the conclusion that since I am different (and you will find that out soon enough) that why not start this off my own way. Hi my name is Kathryn Louise Finlay or as everyone calls me Kat. I am not that much different to others my own age at first glance, but, once you get to know me (and whats on the inside) then you will see how i manage to differ from these people even though it seems that we are at a time of conforming in this massive world so that in most teenage years we all seem to be playing a massive game of "follow the leader" WHATEVER or WHEREVER they may go, from the good to the bad and then just plain ugly. I was born in January of 1994 to a normal married couple named Helen and Jeff Finlay. They lived in a normal house, in a normal street in a pretty normal suburb of Brisbane in Australia. I am their only child as they were in their 40's when they managed (after many years of trying) to conceive myself and they said that they were happy with just one healthy baby girl. I am the youngest in all of my family and that includes cousins, second cousins and every other type of relative you can get. I like to say that I am the secret favorite and apple of the eye to my Grandmother on my mothers side. My grandmother and myself get along famously, she is my absolute idol and i could not be prouder to call her my Nanny. She is 93 this year and still going strong. She has only just retired from her volunteer job of working in a coffee shop making sandwiches and tea for people but she still drives and lives by herself as the independent woman that she is and that will probably never change. I started out life with parents who were old enough to be my grandparents and cousins who were 10 years my senior and older. Family is the most important thing to me because they have gotten me through a difficult part in my life and even though I am still going through it, i know that they are always behind me and will fight to the death for me. 

I unfortunately suffer from Depression and Anxiety which is difficult for me for the most part. Especially as a 19 year old who is meant to be in the prime of my life at this stage, from party to party, traveling and starting to become independent but unfortunately that isn't the case for me at this stage. I still live at home with my parents and my best four legged friend Riley, who is the apple of my eye. She is my 10 year old Corgi cross who is pretty much one of the family. She sleeps in my bed with me, watches movies with us on the couch; and would also love to eat at the dinner table (which she is more than capable of doing) with us but that may be pushing it a bit for my mother. She is someone who has the capability of caring for me as much as they physically can and call me crazy but i feel like she understands me.

With my medical conditions a lot of people just tend to shrug these problems off and my Father did as well at the start. I do understand where they are coming from... I mean, if you think about it... how can someone feel so alone and sad all the time? Unfortunately let me tell you that Myself and others with the same condition feel this way all the time. I have a good home, good friends, a car and other from this good health, so why am I like this? I ask myself this same question all the time, but unfortunately there is no reply. The doctors have said that this "Dark Thing" that I deal with has made itself home in my body from all of the past traumatic experiences that I have had throughout my life so far. Now don't get worried... My family loves me and would never hurt me, I have never been abused or any of that horrible stuff that you see on the news... no for me it was just bullying which destroyed me. How could simple name calling and pulling pigtails do this to someone? For me it wasn't like that. I have always been somewhat of a "loner" but the first time that I remember feeling really alone was one day at Kindergarten, my parents worked as school teachers so it was Kindy and other forms of baby sitting for me as soon as mum finished her maternity leave. I started Kindy when I was 3 and this one day that i can remember as if it was yesterday still plays in my head as when i really felt alone. My mum took me in one morning and as kids do, I wanted my mother to stay with me and get me settled in, but as usual I had made her late for work once again (which is what i still do now) and so she didn't have time to get me warmed up to another day full of messy activities and adventuring into the great unknown of the playground so she kissed my forehead and I started to cry. I can remember the look in her eyes that I had just broken hear heart when she saw my eyes swell. She told me to show her how I could climb up to the very top of this giant wooden fort (which when I have driven past it since is about a meter off the ground) because I had told her how i finally managed to do it at lunch time one day. As I gave her a confident and determined smile i turned away from her and started to climb. It took me a good 2 - 3 minutes to climb this fort and when i finally got to the top and turned to look for a gasp and a proud face on my mother... She was gone. At the time I remember feeling so heartbroken and just alone. When I look back now I realize that distracting me was probably to make it easier for both of us to be able to say goodbye that morning but I can still feel that lonesomeness in my heart.

Everyone has said to me that I feel things very deeply and have a lot of emotions with in this body of mine. I do agree with all of that, I love to write and also love music. Whenever i feel sad, angry, in love, lonely its straight to my music it is. I have always been different my whole life and for once, now I am proud of it. 

I shall write again soon, I hope that gives you a tiny peek through the door to my soul from the beginning. Love to everyone