The Escape

Story #2 from first 2020 writing competition. Prompt: A storm is brewing, describe what happens.

Hank's feet pounded on the soft earth, barely audible against the howling wind and the roar of thunder in the distance.  An empty field laid out before him, barely visible in the dark night.  The wind pushed his blonde hair back and would've made his black jacket billow out behind him like a cape if it weren't zipped up.  In his right hand he clutched a dark green crystal.  

"Hank!" called a small voice behind him.  He stopped and turned to see Samantha, his, well his friend?  They'd known each other for only a few days.  Anyways, Samantha was picking herself off the ground a few yards behind him.  He ran ran back to help her up.  

"Are you alright?" he asked, offering her a hand.  She pushed it away and scrambled through the grass, "I'm fine, but I dropped the ruby."  Without saying anything else, they both frantically searched the ground.  Over the sound of the wind, Hank heard voices yelling.  "Great," he muttered, standing up, "Samantha, we've got company," he said a bit louder.  "Hold them off," she said, not looking up, "I'll find the ruby."  

Hank stood and moved between Samantha and the voices, which he could now match to people running in their direction.  He had the wind to his ack now, and behind the people was a relatively large building.  He took a deep breath, focusing on the land in front of him.  He closed his eyes and adjusted his grip on his crystal.  

Yells of surprise sounded from in front of him.  He opened his eyes to see a row of trees blocking his view of the building and the crystal in his hand glowing dimly.  In it's green light, something on the ground caught his eye.  He grabbed the ruby and turned back to Samantha.  He froze.

Samantha was kneeling on the ground, and behind her stood a girl with long, black hair with her hand behind Samantha's head, and it was glowing purple.  

"Let her go, Silena," Hank said, trying to keep his voice steady.  She smirked, "Drop the emerald and ruby first."  Hank began to raise the emerald when Silena said, "I wouldn't do that, either.  When there are storms, there's lightning."  Thunder crashed and Silena's hand glowed a bit brighter.  I began to rain.  

"The crystals," she said, "now."  It looked like something moved behind her, but Hank didn't react.  He lowered the emerald and slowly began to walk forward.  He stood before her, and glanced down at Samantha.  She nodded.  "Now," he said.

The rain stopped, and Hank dropped the ruby.  Samantha caught it and spun around until she stood next to Hank.  Silena stepped forwards, but water formed blocks around her feet and arms and froze.  She fell forwards, and behind her stood a short boy with dark hair in a buzz cut.  His hand glowed blue.  

He looked down at Silena.  "I never liked you, even when we were on the same side," he said, then looked up at Samantha and hank, "Let's go."  The rain began to fall again as they ran off into the night.  Silena watched them, and shouted, "I'll get you all!  No matter where you go, there is no escape!"  Her only answer in response was the wind.  

Author's Note

This story was ranked 2 out of 6, and earned 90 quality points. The first judge to go over this story complimented the descriptions of actions, but said that further exclamation of the crystals would have improved the story. The second judge agreed with both of these, and added comments saying that the rising action was well written, gradually building intensity. Do you agree, or do you think they missed something? What do you think?