The Cigarette

Wrapping her red lips around the end of the cigarette, she took a long, hard drag. Holding her breath for a second, the smoke framed her fragile face and disappeared into the night sky as she exhaled slowly. He stared at her intently, waiting for her answer.

It never came. She kept staring out into the distance. Her dulled eyes, once full of life and fire, were unblinking. He never meant for it to be like this. He never meant to hurt her. A brief urge to reach out to her, to hug, to hold her tightly was brushed aside. His arms hung loosely at his sides without purpose whilst he tried to think of something to say, anything to end the silence. Nothing came to mind, nothing was left to say. It was over.  

Author's Note

Any and all responses appreciated, just be honest (perhaps not too brutal!). I'm looking to learn.

Reviews

[...]

I do so enjoy a nice uplifting love story!

I agree with Stephanie's post -- capturing the raw emotion with such reserved tones.

My only real critiques would come from a prose standpoint, if you're interested in those. Story wise I think it is executed very well.

[Ania L]

Very happy to receive any ideas to improve. Having read other works, I'm thinking this May be a little simple. Thanks for the positive comments though, given me a boost to write more x

[Woody]

now who's the good storyteller? you managed to draw the picture of an intense moment with a handful of words. I truly love this.

[Ania L]

So very kind of you sir. This was my first piece of writing in about fifteen years, so it means a lot that writers like you enjoy it.

[Ania L]

You captured the moment and the past splendidly.. so much told, felt and understood in such few words..

[Ania L]

Such kind words. This was my first piece and I was very anxious about sharing it, so thank you for building my confidence.

you are so welcome

[Raymond Federle]

Ahhhhhhhh!.... What happens next! :O You can't just leave us hanging like that! lol I would def read more when you post it. Well done!:)

[Ania L]

Thank you very much! The other stories I've written all link together, so hopefully some answers will start to emerge! X

[Lucia]

The details and descriptions in the story are amazing! This completely formed an image in my mind! I really liked it!

[Ania L]

Thank you very much- this short was my return to writing after many years, and without supportive comments like this I would have disappeared again no doubt! Happy new year x

[Nickolaye Vincent]

I like this story. Short, but gripping. Good Job..
--NV

[Ania L]

Thank you very much, it was my first attempt at writing for years, so it means a lot.

[Nickolaye Vincent]

Not a problem, Lady, you do beautiful...

[Vidya Bacchus]

This leaves me wondering what happened between these two ? your writings are so interesting and well written :)

[Ania L]

Aha, well all the stories will link together eventually, so it will be carried on! Thanks for your kind words, I really do appreciate them x x

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome :)

[s y e]

This is the first piece I've read from you and wow, it blew me away, this is amazing stuff. I loved it!

[Ania L]

Thanks ever so much, it was my first piece of writing for years, so it means an awful lot.

[s y e]

Really? Wow, it's amazing.

[Ania L]

I used to write loads as a teenager, then just drifted. Wanted to join a group for ages, and this seemed a friendly place. People like you make it :-)

[s y e]

Awh, I see. I love this place. I've been here a year and made so many good friends, it's great! So much support and amazing writers. :-) You, for example.

[Ania L]

Ah, bessies already :-) Off to bed now, but will take a look at you other stuff very soon x

[s y e]

Aha, of course! :-) Okies, nighty night x

[Mockingbird]

he must've hurt her real bad. at least she didn't throw a tantrum but took it with dignity. excellent job.

[Ania L]

Thanks muchly :-)

[Stephanie]

I had to read this twice just because of how genuinely real and sad it is. You perfectly describe a moment when you both know that's it. There's nothing left to give or to say. The truth of that moment is heartbreaking and hard and I think the way you present it is very matter of fact and bold. Really great, I loved it.

[Ania L]

Thank you very much, appreciate the comment as it's my first piece :-)

[KendallClausen]

This piece is so real and the grunge I imagine as she takes a drag is so easy to picture. The tone is so perfectly portrayed and her dull boring eyes suggest her emotional numbness to the scenario. Well done

[Ania L]

Thanks! *blush*