Letter to My First 'Un'born Child

Letter to My First ‘Un’born Child
(Death Date: May 16, 1998)

 

I feel the need to explain to you the reason you’re not here

Mainly because at 23, I was immature, unstable and full of fear

 

It’s not that I didn’t love you, I know that now, as I shed a tear

 

It’s just that at the time, when you were alive

I allowed that love to be conquered by fear

 

Fear that I couldn’t support you, and that you and I would struggle

Fear of being a statistic, another single Black Mother

Fear that I had made a mistake, in the Father that I had chosen

He was only 19 at the time, with no direction and no focus

Fear that I would become a failure, and all my dreams would be deferred

Fear that I would be a terrible Mother for you… the last thing I wanted in this world

 

I wasn’t ready to be a Mother, I wish that wasn’t the case

And I didn’t want to resent you or throw that up in your face

 

Despite it all, I know now that you deserved to live

You also deserved more than two young adults had to give

 

You deserved the chance to exist for more than 7 weeks

To be loved, to be cherished, to breathe, to cry and speak

 

If I could turn back the hands of time, of course I’d change that fate

Then I would get a chance to know you, hold you, and kiss your little face

 

You were God’s gift to me because He knew what I didn’t at the time

That you were the love I needed, that you would mature me

This I now realize…

 

I miss you my child, I forfeited our chance and what we could have had

But how can you miss what you never had some say – I don’t know

but I miss you really bad

 

I could never forget you, I’m haunted by the memory of that day

The appointment, the doctors, the room, and the sound of the machine

that took your life away

 

I’m ashamed of what I did to you… I’ll never forgive myself

I wish that I would have been stronger for you and understood

the value of life itself

 

This is what I thought you deserved to know about your Mom

and the choice she made

 

Although young, your Dad did want you, and never thought of you as

an accident nor a mistake

 

You are my first unborn child, my regret, my tears, my biggest fault

I’ll love and nurture your spirit forever, inside the womb of my heart

 

 

Tara S. Gause

© 2003
All Rights Reserved

Reviews

[Donna Marie Gray]

Your poetry deeply touched my heart. There is much pain and darkness, but there is also a deep longing for love and the desire to share.