Letter to My First 'Un'born Child

Letter to My First ‘Un’born Child
(Death Date: May 16, 1998)

 

I feel the need to explain to you the reason you’re not here

Mainly because at 23, I was immature, unstable and full of fear

 

It’s not that I didn’t love you, I know that now, as I shed a tear

 

It’s just that at the time, when you were alive

I allowed that love to be conquered by fear

 

Fear that I couldn’t support you, and that you and I would struggle

Fear of being a statistic, another single Black Mother

Fear that I had made a mistake, in the Father that I had chosen

He was only 19 at the time, with no direction and no focus

Fear that I would become a failure, and all my dreams would be deferred

Fear that I would be a terrible Mother for you… the last thing I wanted in this world

 

I wasn’t ready to be a Mother, I wish that wasn’t the case

And I didn’t want to resent you or throw that up in your face

 

Despite it all, I know now that you deserved to live

You also deserved more than two young adults had to give

 

You deserved the chance to exist for more than 7 weeks

To be loved, to be cherished, to breathe, to cry and speak

 

If I could turn back the hands of time, of course I’d change that fate

Then I would get a chance to know you, hold you, and kiss your little face

 

You were God’s gift to me because He knew what I didn’t at the time

That you were the love I needed, that you would mature me

This I now realize…

 

I miss you my child, I forfeited our chance and what we could have had

But how can you miss what you never had some say – I don’t know

but I miss you really bad

 

I could never forget you, I’m haunted by the memory of that day

The appointment, the doctors, the room, and the sound of the machine

that took your life away

 

I’m ashamed of what I did to you… I’ll never forgive myself

I wish that I would have been stronger for you and understood

the value of life itself

 

This is what I thought you deserved to know about your Mom

and the choice she made

 

Although young, your Dad did want you, and never thought of you as

an accident nor a mistake

 

You are my first unborn child, my regret, my tears, my biggest fault

I’ll love and nurture your spirit forever, inside the womb of my heart

 

 

Tara S. Gause

© 2003
All Rights Reserved

Reviews

[QuietlyCrash]

Oh my gosh. This literally hurts my soul. I had to stop reading in the middle because it was so powerful. I loved how true it rang throughout the whole piece. There was no mistaking how close you hold this memory to your heart, because I literally felt that sadness just dripping off your words. Beautifully written.Congratulations on winning the contest, it was so well deserved and it couldn't have gone to a more deserving poem. I hope you have a lovely day.
Best wishes,
Riley :)

[Rachel Anderson]

This poem is truly amazing. I was crying reading this. So heartfelt, deep, and honest. I loved every bit of it. Congrats on winning the contest. :)

[EMP]

this is amazing...
this is such a powerful piece of poetry.
heartfelt and beautiful.
well done.

[Shalini Dinesh]

Is that the scanned image of your child??? it is really so heartfelt and emotional, don't worry, i can feel how painful it must have been, do you have another child??? if yes, then it means god has given you the same child in another form may be, if not, then don't worry he will bless you with a child soon... Take care..

[Petrus Romanus]

people think death makes life more important, but it only cheapens it. death is life's practical joke. it's a can of snakes, an electric handshake! death adds nothing to life, including the knowledge of it. adam and eve knew what death was before their conversation with the serpent, but that wasn't good enough! they wanted to know what death did! -- and it is the knowledge of good and evil that they craved, that they lusted for to be better than god in his glory!

we all play out our own loss-of-innocence scenario within our collective consciousness. and when the knowledge of good and evil are made clear, then we "know" the lord who said in his mercy, "forgive them, for they know not what they do!" and if christ who died for us can forgive our sins, then we owe it to him to forgive ourselves as well.

i love you and this poem, and thank you for sharing, and am praying for many more to read it. nothing can bring back what never was, but your faith has made your offspring among the sands of the sea and a million souls in heaven will owe their sheer existence to you, i swear!

[(Super) Heroes Never Di..]

Gosh, my eyes are watering!! this is so beautiful, so full of emotion... I can feel your pain. Wow, this was absolutely fantastic. I'm so sorry, though. Really.

[Alphachad]

Wow. What an inspiring and moving story. This was a good read :D

[ms.trelly]

Great piece! My eyes got watery, it's good to make your readers feel, and i really felt this poem. You captured that feeling very well.

[perfectlymetiKulous]

OMG. This is absolutely one of the most heartfelt and poignant things I've ever read. Absolutely breathtaking. How brilliant and honest of you.... thank you so much for sharing.

[Charles D. Moorer]

Beautiful.