Living with GAD

Many people have asked me what anxiety feels like, the pain, discomfort and the roller-coaster ride of emotions. You will never understand to the extent of how one feels, but I'll try my best to reveal all I can. I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder for years now, and GAD basically means one worries about every little thing there is to worry about, which most people wouldn't worry about. I still don't know what exactly triggered my anxiety, but it started during one of the school holidays. I was never able to sleep well, for a few months, but never worried about it, until one day I was still awake at 3am. I suddenly felt an overwhelming rush of intense fear and panic, and my body started shaking, sweating, and my heartbeat went faster. I was confused, panicky and stressed. I didn't know what that was until my doctor informed me that I had a panic attack. 

And since that day, for months later, I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't sleep well either, and I kept on having emotional breakdowns, due to stress of tests and how I was feeling inside. I never told anyone about it until the workload all got too much for me to handle. I told the group coordinator, but it wasn't until a few months later that she realised; maybe it wasn't just stress. Maybe it was something more. So she sent me to the counsellor, and my doctor sent me to a psychologist. When I went to her, I told her everything. 

My symptoms:

- butterflies in my stomach

- feeling on edge

- difficulty relaxing

- breathing too rapidly and frequently

- indigestion

- chest pains

- overwhelming emotions

- aching muscles

- feeling out of breath

- difficulty sleeping/staying asleep

- difficulty concentrating

- no motivation (mainly due to depression)

- nausea 

- lightheaded and feeling faint

- headaches

- trembling/shaking

- needing to use the bathroom often

- easily startled

Other issues:

- thinking the worse

- every day worrying

- lost my focus and concentration 

- my worries were uncontrollable.

- my worries make me really stressed and anxious

- I avoid situations

- Put things off (eg. revision for tests) because I feel too overwhelmed

- I've been worrying everyday for more than six months (a key in diagnosing GAD)

I've tried everything there is so far except for medicine; I'm having Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) but it's quite expensive, I've tried hypnosis, I've tried self-help techniques like relaxation and exercise, changed my diet and lifestyle, I've done everything. but I am not planning on taking the medical route yet because I'm afraid of the side effects, wondering if it's worth it. 

So having anxiety is quite hard, especially added with depression, and relapsing anorexia/bulimia and suicidal thoughts. I've also been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but it's alreayd been talked about a lot on here in the poems I wrote!