22nd February 2015

Well, today is day #72 that I'm clean. But like Taylor Swift sings, "Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it" It's true. 2 months... it's a very long time not being able to do it, not being able to feel like I'm on Cloud 9... I miss it. i really do... but I do have new parents. And having new parents means a new chapter in my life, and hopefully a much happier, better and safer one. And opening up a new chapter... means forgetting the old. 

 

It's so hard to resist the urge, the temptation, the voice in my head begging me to do it, to relieve it, and myself, of the pain felt not being allowed to do it. Not that I don't try to find a loophole out of it... but it's just that my parents and teachers have caught me before I've done it. Frustrating... 

 

I suppose I shouldn't be talking about this so negatively...

 

9:50pm now, went to Bondi Beach for the first time! I now also officially own a one-piece swimwear! A girl my age should already have a ton, but I suppose I'm not like every other girl my age... difference should be celebrated, that's what everyone says, right? But I just wish I was like every other girl my age right now... thinking about normal teenage things. 

 

"How should I do my hair today?"

"What clothes should I wear..." 

"Oh my gosh, I just had my first fight with my best friend! She's SO mean, I hate her!" 

 

I can't emulate the thoughts of a typical teenage girl, but... I wish I was one of them anyway. Overexaggerating things, making the tiniest matters into big problems... instead, I'm in a way getting a second chance in life, reliving the life I SHOULD have already had experience with, but don't. So all the days that I'm reliving the past and childhood I should have already lived... I'm missing out on the days I have NOW. 

 

But no, I'm not complaining in the slightest... I love my parents, they're the parents I wish I had, but never had. But now, I do, and I trust them so much. Too much, that's what my brain says. What if one day, they'll abandon me? What if one day, they'll abuse me? What if one day, I'll be left alone forever on this earth? 

 

But my heart says otherwise. And this time, it wins. For now. 

 

Well, I've just had my dinner, rice and vegetables. A full plate. It's still very hard to eat, even after all this time... but I got through it, like I do everyday with the help of my parents and some teachers. It's taking me shorter and shorter amounts of time every day to eat a full plate, which I'm really glad about. My goal is to finish the plate by myself one day. No matter how long it takes to do it. 

 

But right now, I know I can't. Because even when I'm left alone... I can't do it. I can't even feed myself one spoonful of something. I hope one day, I'll read over this and smile at the achievements I've made over the years... 

 

I hope one day, I'll be able to live a normal adult life, skinny but not too skinny. I hope one day, I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, you look beautiful. I hope one day, I'll be able to look at my scars and say, what a whirlwind of a journey I've had. But so worth the time. Because one day, I hope I'll never have to cut myself again, or starve myself again, to feel. To feel like I'm worth something. 

 

I hope one day, I'll love myself.