Fresh-man;Fresh year

This year is probably the hardest year I will ever have to go through. My experiences in high school is going downhill. I would say this is part of the phase of puberty where I am trying to find resolutions to a constant amount of stress put upon me. The combination of teen, stress, and insecurity alone is all unfamiliar to me. I think I finally experienced what people typically described as being in high school. I would like to point out some highlights that I found strongly impacted my life. 

The worst yet possibly rewarding decision I made in my life is taking all honors courses. I found to enjoy some classes more than others. However, the most strenuous class that all 10th, 11th, and 12th graders say is the class i'm taking right now. Honors English in 9th grade. I have to admit, I had not predicted my English teacher would be as hard as people warned me. He looked cool, chill. Even though he did have the humor to match his personality, he picked favorites. I was used to be teacher's favorite but this is obviously not the case. He was the type that would tease people that could entertain him as opposed to someone that is very innocent. When I realized his way of teaching, learning, etc. did not suit me -- which is halfway though the year-- I knew it would be a hard year. 

January came around and my self confidence ultimately broke. I was a shiny piece of glass that broke unexpectedly. My confidence was no longer there anymore. The middle school years that I had built trying to look and feel good had disappeared. I was the same girl as I was in Elementary School. The girl that did not try to get involved, felt shy towards what everyone was saying, and not trying to live in the moment. I felt this world had taken me down into drain when I tried to find my happiness. This was because of the traumatic experiences that made me feel like I do not feel good about being who I am. 

This started and ended with English. English class was my true enemy. I felt like I was in a claustrophobic room where I had to constantly compete with others to get the right answers. My life after school was caught up in concentrating, rereading, perpetually studying for English. I had not really gone anywhere with my friends that often. In fact, I almost forget that they exist. My number one priority is to pass English with an A. Of course that for me is almost impossible. I am not an English person, nor do I like to think about reading and writing. My life had revolved around mathematics, just like my dad and mom "math experts". I was so caught up in homework, it was an excuse for sleeping, doing chores, going out to places, and above all, just to have real fun. Those excuses had unfortunately made me an lethargic person and I had gained a lot more weight. I have to admit, I was not an happy person, I really wished I could go back and relive my life in 8th grade or 7th grade. The idea really affected me when my dance teacher accurately checked my weight at dance. I was at a weight of 120 pounds , an 20 pound increase and no sight of growth. You know dance teachers; they are very strict when it comes to maintaining your look. She announced in front of my dance class that I had gained weight, I needed to lose some before the recital. My heart sunken. Those words really made an impact in my life. For the first time, someone told straight in front of me that I gained weight. In other words, I am fatter. I worked through everything I can, trying to manage my stress from school, dance, and other extracurricular activities while still trying to relieve myself from throwing a tantrum of how low I thought of myself. I never took time to just sit down and ask "who am I doing this for?" If it were my parents, they just say take all regular. I knew there's a gut instinct that I should just keep going and endure the moment until the school year ends. Hopefully next year, I can get a better teacher. In fact, this is how I deal with all my problems:endure the process and hope for the better when it's over. That happens while I am running in track, stretching in dance, and learning in school. I should get out of my mindset of looking at everything I do as a chore and start looking at it as a accomplishment. Things got worst in class today. I did not read the right chapters for the book we were suppose to read for Socratic seminar. I was put in the "hot seat" and did not know a thing about the chapters I was to read. This was an embarrassment because I was being evaluated by my classmates. I ended up evaluating myself also. I put a D. I read the wrong chapters and I was completely unprepared. This really sucked. It's a lesson I learned.