MARK AND I

Any of the writing that is in italics is a direct quote from the famous author Mark Twain.

(All writing in dark letters is a direct quote from Mark Twain.)

The last thing I remember was riding down a busy city street on my bicycle in my hometown of Chula Vista.  After that things got kind of weird and out of hand.  Next thing I know I’m in a dark room sitting in a chair and across from me smoking a cigar is none other than Mark Twain!
   
He says to me, “How did you get that bump on your head, and do you remember your name?
I tell him, “My name is Zeek, and hell if I know what happened to my head, and where the hell is my bicycle?”
He says to me, “How do you spell your name partner?”
And I said, “Z-E-E-K Zeek.”

Mr. Twain says, “Most fellers spell it Z-E-K-E. I like a man that does his own spelling. I always say I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”

I’m sitting across from this man, who is a personal icon of mine, blinking my eyes and wondering what in the hell is going on. I know the gentleman is supposed to be dead and has been in that dead condition for quite a while. He once said, “The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated,” but what was presently going on was stretching it beyond all reasonable bounds. According to the records the man died in 1910, which was more than 100 years ago. I continued to stare across the table with I’m sure a dumbfounded look on my face.
   
Finally, I say, “Mr. Twain you look absolutely great, what’s your secret?”
He says, “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old. I think maybe we should get out of here and get some fresh air and let you clear your head a bit.”

I was in no condition to argue with the man. Frankly, I was so happy to be in his presence I didn’t much care what the circumstances were, or how I found myself under those circumstances. He had such a quality of wit and intelligence about him. His eyes I swear twinkled, I swear. Now remember these observations where being perceived by someone that just had a major crack on the head, but I decided just go with it, so why don’t you.

As we ambled off down the dimly lit street Mark, he insisted I call him Mark, chattered on concerning many different topics.

I said to him, “God damn it, I’m really pissed about whatever happened to me, and most of all where is my God damn bicycle?”
He gently grabs me my the shoulder and says, “Boy, anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

I knew what he was saying, and there was a lot of wisdom to his words, but I was still really pissed and unloaded with a tie raid of expletives.  He squeezed my shoulder a bit tighter and said, “Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”

His statement disarmed me and completely reversed my mood. I was charmed by him, and despite the odd conditions of our encounter, I planned to get the most out of the wonderful opportunity that had been afforded me. He said to me, “Don’t worry lad you’ll get your bike back. I once said, the man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. Despite this worldview, I still think you’ll get it back. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up, so let’s go have a beer and I’ll give you a chance to cheer me up. What you say?”

Together we continued to saunter on down the street until we found a little bar called Amnesia.  There were several clocks in the place, but none of them had any hands. Odd, I know, but no stranger than being escorted by Mark Twain and his big cigar.

“Well, Zeek my friend what will you have?” said Mark.
“Guess I’ll have a beer, Mr. Twain.”
“Thought I told you to call me Mark and why so quiet?”
“Guess I’m still confused, Sir.”
“Mark, remember Zeek, call me Mark. By the way, I always say better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

He really touched my funny bone with that one, and I giggled so loud other patrons of the Amnesia gave me the once over.
   
“Don’t worry about those strange looks Zeek. Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to, and I can see you got a rosy glow on your face as I’m looking at ya,” Mark offered as he took a hefty pull on his cigar.
   
“Mark, I recently read your book ROUGHING IT and thoroughly enjoyed every bit. Were all those stories true? It’s supposed to be a memoir, but my gosh some of the stuff you pulled off was unbelievable. Like accidentally starting that forest fire up at Lake Tahoe. Even though in most respects it was tragic, I still laughed my a*s off because of the total irresponsibility of the whole situation.”
   
“Well, Zeek I got to tell you it was all God’s truth. I find that if you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. That Tahoe incident was a moronic snafu on my part, but as the saying goes, s**t happens. I think alcohol played a part, but booze or not a man has to take responsibility for his actions. What saved my a*s in that particular situation was no one was looking.”  Again he took a drag on his cigar then took a large swallow of beer wiping his mustache with the back of his hand. I could tell that hanging out with this guy could be a handful.
  
“Mark, I hope I’m not keeping you from anything you need to be doing.”
“No worries Zeek. Remember I’ve been dead for over a hundred years, and in addition to that I always say never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” This last comment got me laughing again. I was halfway through gulping down a mouthful of beer and I damn near gagged on it. Again I drew the attention of the guest of the Amnesia as I sputtered and coughed. Mark seemed to be getting a lot of satisfaction out of playing my funny bone like a violin.
   
After I regained my composure I asked, “Mark, what did you learn from your many experiences prospecting in Virginia City and environs?”
“Well Zeek one thing I learned about myself from that experience was I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. On more than one occasion I let a fortune slip through my fingers. I once said if you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. I learned a lot by holding that prospecting cat by the tail; mainly life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. If I had been an older and wiser man at that time, according to that philosophy, I would be one filthy rich teenager today. One thing I can tell you Zeek, don't let schooling interfere with your education. There is no substitute for getting out there and doing it my boy.”
   
“Mark, I must say I admire the life that you lead any your contribution to American literature.”
“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see and that was most kind of you to say Zeek. I’ve tried to live a good life, but I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.”

“You’re one hell of a fabricator of one-liners Mark and fun to be around.”
“Familiarity breeds contempt - and children my friend. We’ve only spent a little time together thus far. After a while, you might find me a bit overbearing and tiresome. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat, meaning we human beings have a tendency to mess things up a bit, and I’ve been known to botch up some friendships with my ways. I’ve found in my life that there is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable and this truth has caused me problems as I’ve traversed the planet. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company I always say.” This last bit of wisdom ended in uproarious laughter as his beer slopped over the edge of his glass onto one pant leg. Nothing like a good woman, a good cigar and a nice stiff drink, get my drift Zeek old boy?”

I could tell that Mark was getting somewhat inebriated, and I best get him out of the Amnesia prior to our being extracted by the management.
“Hey, Zeeky how is that bump on the head doing? Looks like that noggin has swoll up a bit since we first crossed paths. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog right Zeeky? Tell me true boy. You didn’t crash no bicycle did ya? You got yourself in some fisticuffs. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear, right Zeek? Sometimes you just got to put up those dukes and defend your honor. I knew a fella that died defending his honor. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Tell you the truth the guy was kind of an a*****e!”

I quickly ferried Mark down the street hoping that a brisk walk would help settle him down some. I was still enjoying his company, but I was somewhat concerned that his behavior might spin out of control involving us both in some altercation with a passerby or possibly law enforcement. He kept spinning off pearls of wisdom at this point completely out of context, but still wise and wonderful.

“You know what Zeek, patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. I love my country, but sometimes I feel that it’s run by a pack of damn idiots. The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. Maybe we should let kids run this country. What ya say Zeeky? Don’t you think kids should be running the show? Well, don’t ya?”

At this point, I was getting nervous that this American treasure was going to come unglued under my supervision. That was a burden I was not sure I wanted to be saddled with. Besides dealing with Mark, I was starting to develop a splitting headache, and my vision seemed to be wafting between barrel vision and the sensation of looking out from the inside of a milk bottle. I could feel someone holding my shoulders and gradually I realized that I was looking up into someone’s face and it wasn’t Mark Twain’s.

“Hey, you ok buddy? I didn’t even see you.”

I felt myself rolling over on to my side, and I could see my slightly mangled bicycle lying next to me. Mark was nowhere in sight. Hours later I’m lying in a hospital and the doctor is telling me I’m going to be ok, just some cuts and bruises. I took quite a pop on the head resulting in a moderate concussion. As I was taking this all in, I started fumbling with my shirt pocket. I could feel something in there, but I had no idea what it was. Finally, I managed to pull it out to find that it was a half-smoked old cigar butt. I don’t smoke cigars.

 

 

Reviews

[R J Askew]

Arf, arf, a great read. I sneaked this in between 'working' at home. Not ideal perhaps, but what the hell. I think you pulled it off with this one. The whit was wonderful and I liked the ending. I wld love to wander into the Amnesia in the way and company you did. I liked the clue in the title of the bar. I think you got MT just right. My fave dabs were, 'whit' and 'tie raid'. We need more MT's to shake things up as we are all becomeing far too predictable in our ways and views. But I also liked the way that the radical thinking was clearly showing signs of being a liability with his free-wheeling genius.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

WHAT have you done here!!!! This is truly awesome. (I'd typically employ a swear word here, but we just met - sort of met.) Quite impressive thing you've done here.... Now if you would kindly never read another story of mine so I could steal this idea... (kidding kidding!). Really great concept. Twain - one of the best and a personal favorite. My compliments and remember...

"An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency." - MT

(The stuff above the quotes - that's mine.)

[bob, small b. aka invs]

i think mark twain is second only to solomon as a source of wisdom, but twain is much funnier. i enjoyed your little visit with him.