NO TASTE FOR PIE

This ain't fiction my friends.

Walter was what could only be called a spoiled brat. Coddled by his mother, Walter had the false impression that the world revolved around him.  His parents had been divorced since he was just a toddler, and Walter had only fleeting contact with his dad who lived in California. 

 

Uncle Joe was Walter’s uncle, his dad’s brother.  He lived in Idaho, and could be termed a cowboy in every respect.  He didn’t suffer fools and was what might be termed a man’s man.  Once in a coffee shop, he gulped a mouthful of steaming hot coffee.  The average fellow would have choked it down, scalding his throat in the process, just to avoid embarrassment.  Not Uncle Joe.  As soon as he realized the coffee was dangerously hot, he simply sprayed it out of his mouth like the fire-eater at the circus.  In his opinion, “only a damn fool woulda swollered it!”

 

Walter’s dad was concerned with his son’s development and was not at all pleased with his former wife’s approach to child rearing.  He felt it best that Walter spends a summer with Uncle Joe on his ranch.  Walter’s dad had informed Uncle Joe that Walter was a bit of a dandy and needed to be put on the straight and narrow path towards manhood.  Despite objections from mother, Walter found himself on a plane headed for Uncle Joe, who he had never met.

 

One of the ranch hands picked up Walter at the airport and drove him to the ranch in an old beat up pickup truck.  Old, bow-legged and weathered, Uncle Joe came out of the ranch house to greet his nephew and get to know the young lad.

       “Come up here boy and let me get a look atcha,” Uncle Joe said in his usual gruff manner.  Completely out of his element, Walter approached his Uncle with his usual attitude of arrogance and superiority.

       “Well boy, you ready to knuckle down and get to work around here earning your keep?”  Joe said while securely grabbing both of Walter’s shoulders.

       Walter looked straight into his uncle’s eyes and blurted out, “I don’t do farm work.”

       “This ain’t no farm boy, this is a ranch!”

 

In a flash, Walter found himself lifted high in the air, as Uncle Joe quickly searched around for the remedy.  There it was not twenty feet away.  A nice wet, soft cow pie with Walter’s name written on its soupy top.  Without delay, Walter found himself hovering over the brown puddle with his uncle’s hand firmly gripping the back of his head.  Uncle Joe didn’t even give the lad a chance to reconsider his pledge of refusing to do menial labor.  The next instant Walter found his face forcefully planted in the center of the fly infested meadow muffin.

“Ok boy, now head on over to the bunkhouse and once you got yourself cleaned up meet me in front of the barn,”  Joe said in a clear and even tone.

 

Walter was dumbfounded as he sat hunched over on his knees spitting cow feces out of his mouth.  When he finally looked up his uncle was gone and the ranch hand that had picked him up at the airport was standing over him.

 

       “You get a good swoller of that pie there Walter?  You best get busy and do what your Uncle Joe said or there might be a second course on the menu,” Ed the ranch hand muttered with a s**t-eating grin on his deeply lined face.

 

Walter also had s**t on his face, but he wasn’t grinning.  Thoroughly dazed and confused he headed for the bunkhouse spitting out bits and pieces of partially digested prairie grass.

 

So started Walter’s summer on the ranch, with a whole knew approach to child rearing not approved by Dr. Spock, courtesy of his Uncle Joe.  Never again did Uncle Joe have to resort to such drastic methods to get his nephew to conform to ranch life.  There were other episodes of an impending rebellion. However, Walter was spoiled, but not stupid, so any urge in regards to defiance was soon squelched with a few firm words from Uncle Joe.

 

Walter returned to his mother at the end of the summer much improved.  He had strangely acquired a strong love for his Uncle Joe and a bitter rejection for the taste of cow pie.

Reviews

[J]

never met a cowboy yet i didn't like. and uncle joe is no exception. the coffee moment is priceless ~ none a those dang things called 'manners' for crusty ol uncle joe. i love a story that teaches a young upstart the priorities of life. well done, zeek ......! and i agree with others, this piece could be well fleshed out ~ i love to read l.o.n.g. bring it on!

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

This was one well written piece. Voice is strong and even, and the length here is really good. There are times when I won't tackle a piece due to its sheer length, regardless of how funny or thought provoking, or whatever it promises to be. I am a fan of shorter. My only suggestion would be that perhaps you could have delved a bit deeper into Walter's transfiguration (even though it is inferred), as this really is the theme of the entire story. It is not about pies at all - you liar! Thanks for reminder 4!!

[Forest Green]

Very well written, a good, confident voice trimming the prose well, not overdone, but medium rare like good cowboy tales ought to be.

Cowboy humor too, well applied. Keep going with it as I believe your characters can stand on their own boots.

Well done...!

[EMF]

Story? Story? Damn. There's an entire book here just waiting to happen. Damn you're good. And you made me laugh. Out loud. There's only four people on here that can do...Five...There are five people on here that can do that. Now.

[Barbara Walker]

Oh for the good ole days! Now we have kids who expect everyone to get a trophy, just for showing up!

[emmajoy]

Laughed and ouched at the same time over this! YUCK! How to teach someone a lesson - splat!

This just flows beautifully, the characters are distinct, poor Walter is second best to uncle Joe tho .. and so he should be!

Zeek, this could have gone on and on, it's one of your best for sure and deserves to be taken on a few more chapters at least. See below, roarke says the same.. you have to get to it! :)

[roarke]

ok, ya gotta tell more of the story. GREAT beginning. Your strong straight forward narration sets the right tone for this and it moves along at a good pace. The last full paragraph hints at other similar "lessons" and experiences, so have at it.
Very enjoyable piece.