RELATIVITY, a memoir

A memoir about how men and women see the world differently.

Woman and men perceive reality differently. It has taken eminent thinkers, such as the physicist Albert Einstein, to argue the existence of different realities: “It is all relative.” Everyone sees things differently depending on where they are in relation to what they are observing. Einstein never directly addressed the problem, although his personal life was significantly impacted by it. For some reason, gender has a significant impact on the way one perceives the world. I proved this theory concerning reality and its relative nature to myself many years ago, while visiting the town of Port Alberni on Vancouver Island. 

 

Port Alberni could be best described as a backwater, where the primary industry was logging. As towns go, I would describe Port Alberni as rough; however, the term “rough” is relative. Compared to my hometown of Los Gatos, California, there is no doubt about the wild and wooly nature of Port Alberni. On the other hand, Port Alberni compared to South Central Los Angeles would be considered quite charming. 

 

My wife Jeri and I were visiting a friend Judy, who was living in Port Alberni with her sister and brother-in-law. Judy was a disenchanted schoolteacher that was escaping the rat race of Southern California. 

 

One evening, Judy, Jeri, and I decided to go into Port Alberni and check out the nightlife. Racially speaking, the group was comprised of two women and a man, all of whom were white. Which was neither here nor there, depending on your point of view, your degree of bias concerning such matters, or your location? 

 

I knew nothing about Port Alberni, so I put myself into Judy’s hands and trusted her judgment. I should have known better considering this was the same woman that cleaned her contact lenses by sucking on them. In any town, there are places that are fun to be in, and places that are not so fun. Some places can be exceedingly uncomfortable, or even dangerous. Without giving it a second thought, I logically assumed we would be heading for the safe, fun part of town. We came to a large one-story building with no windows, and only one entry that I could see. When we opened the door, the volume went up three hundred percent. The two young ladies I was with boldly stepped forward and walked deep into the room. They apparently perceived things differently than me (“relativity”). My first inclination was to turn tail and make a run for it; however, one of those women was my wife and I loved her. Being a survivor, the prudent thing to do was spit in the face of reality, pretended nothing was wrong, step into the room, and try to own my space. Once inside, I hoped to formulate a way to get to the door again with the women, and all my body parts intact. 

 

The place was a sea of Native Americans. Absolutely none of which was sober. My theory of the relative perception of my female companions and myself was becoming abundantly clear: their view of reality could lead to my dismemberment or worse! Once seated, I took the opportunity to reconnoiter the situation, and I will say now, it was not pretty.

 

On all sides, there were countless acts of sexual exploitation and drunkenness. Think of the classic drinking movie “Animal House,” then bump up what was happening to a triple X rating, and that would give one some idea of the scene that lies before me. Put aside the debauchery issue. Now, focus on the random violence. There were people out there in the process of hurting each other: punching, pushing, hitting. Some were bleeding, with no apparent concern on their part, or anyone else’s for that matter. The entire room pulsated with drunken humanity: man on man, woman on woman, man on woman, woman on man. It was a huge room, about the size of a basketball gymnasium, filled with round tables and chairs; half of the chairs lay on their sides, and broken glass and beer all over the floor. The average fellow in there was easily twice my size, the average woman three times. Well, maybe not three, but they were sure as hell big! 

 

About this time my two female companions seemed to be reaching, however belatedly, the same perception of reality as myself. We agreed that maybe this was not the right place to be; a major understatement, to say the least. To exacerbate the situation, I made a critical error in judgment. Instead of standing up on the table and urinating on the floor, which in retrospect, I am sure would have drawn no one’s attention, I decided to make a quick “pit stop” to the bathroom …MISTAKE. It would have been far better just to pee in my pants. As it turns out, I almost did. 

 

The longest trek of my life was about to commence. My plan was to leave the table and quickly traverse the room in the straightest line possible. By the time I returned from this odyssey, I had been a changed man. First, I never made it to the bathroom. I would probably have had my throat cut from ear to ear, and then my head gingerly placed in the toilet. I made a beeline back to the table. I participated in several different, for lack of better words, “encounter groups” on my return. The intention of these pockets of intimation was to make me as uncomfortable as possible: demeaning me in some way, pawing me, pushing, threatening. It was not what one would call a jovial crowd. I tried to stay as passive as possible because any overt aggression on my part would have fared no better than Custer’s Last Stand. For those that are not history buffs, the Indians killed Custer and all his men. My goal was to keep moving and keep smiling, and I did both. It was particularly beneficial not to leave the stain of my presence in any one place for more than a millisecond. I knew that once they got on to my scent, I was a dead man.

 

Apparently, I was paying the price for my long dead ancestors retroactively. There are no doubts the people of the “first nation” got a bum deal, and I’m sure some of my distant relatives did their fair share of dirty deeds. I could have tried to express my opinion why logically I had nothing to do with their present condition, but considering the circumstances, it did not seem feasible at the time. I would have been cut down like a blade of prairie grass. 

 

I could see the little rectangular exit door across the room, and it seemed so darned far away. Once I made it back to the table, I did not take the time to describe the various atrocities I had suffered. There was only one thing on my mind at that point ... GET OUT! About then, everything slowed down, the way it does when something terrible happens in a dream; that makes sense, something terrible was happening. The door seemed so very, very far away, and almost appeared to be magically shrinking in size, and becoming more distant. I felt like a drowning man that just couldn’t quite make it to the beach. Every step I took, with the now petrified ladies in tow, was an emotional, as well as physical challenge. I wanted to just flat out run for the door, as the jeering hoard closed in around us. My instincts felt that a more sedate approach might be more survivable, which proved to be the case. My feet felt like they weighed two hundred pounds each, as I mechanically put one foot in front of the other. 

 

About this time, the amassed clientele began to realize that we were in the process of making an unceremonious exit, and their prey was about to escape! All heads turned toward us. I didn’t see any weapons, but at the least I was expecting an arrow to pierce my chest, or more likely, a tomahawk to split my head with brains making a flop on the floor. I thought I saw a beer bottle fly by. I definitely heard breaking glass. 

 

Once outside and in “relative” safety, I was able to ponder the implications of my newly found understanding of relativity. I came to the final conclusion that relatively speaking, men and women view reality differently; and through the grace of God I was able to survive the difference!

Reviews

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

An absolute hilarity. Your voice is so suited to this style. Come to the Dark Side Zeeke!! Too few comedians here. This is a prize write my friend. Join me and my fellow only one other humorist... Come on... You know you wanna!!!

[Robbie~xoxo~]

LOL So hilarious!! My paranoia would have kicked into high gear as soon as I walked into the building (with no windows)! You have vividly describe your thoughts, as you take the reader into this scary but funny situation...forget the bathroom, I would rather pee in my pants! Thank you for sharing your humorous story. Well penned.

[Sweets]

Very interesting, I never actually tried sucking on my contact lenses to clean them, never got the idea xD
It kinda adds some humor to the mood =)
Your description on that place draws the whole thing in my mind.
Wonderful work my friend =)

[Donald Meikle]

having learned to read a bar as quickly as possible in the school of hard knox, I can sympathise well. She is after all your wife so choice was not an option.
You're right it's all where you're looking from,(or not)

[Zeek4]

Remember, the girls got us into the mess and I got us out.

[emmajoy]

I part laughed, part cringed at this post .. not sure what to make of it at all, at all, but what I do know is that the story went on a fair lick, really flowed, the description of the people and their goings on are quite something. How the ladies felt after you finally left I barely dare ask .. but sure as wotsit, relatively speaking, your evening wasn't that much of a success!