SHOULD WE ARM OUR TEACHERS?

A feeble attempt at satire.

Should teachers be armed? Now there is a well thought out idea, most likely dreamed up by one of the fools that ran on the Republican ticket last time around. One of those esteemed thinkers like the guy that got rich popping out pizzas or the simple-minded simpleton from Texas. After thirty-two years of teaching, I can recall dozens of times that if I had been armed I would have blown the head off a fellow teacher, administrator, parent, or yes, student. Forget the occasional psychopath that wreaks havoc by going on a killing spree. I can’t even imagine the carnage that 7.2 million armed teachers could produce in any given school year.

 

Teaching has evolved into a fairly thankless job, and there is nothing worse than an armed underappreciated schoolteacher. I can think of many occasions sitting across the table from a parent during parent conferences where I thought to myself, “The best thing this person could do for their child is turn them over for adoption.” Several times I have been at conferences where I could imagine myself squeezing off several rounds into a whiny parent who claims I have victimized their poor child. I can visualize having them dance a jig while I ricochet bullets off the floor saving the last round for a clean headshot.

 

Next, we come to administrators. In my career, I went through fourteen principles. A few were outstanding, most adequate, and some real bad. So insufficient in fact that an armed teacher might do public education a favor and drill the rube on the spot. What were truly agonizing about having poor leadership on a school campus were the administrators at the education center’s central offices that allowed sub-par management to flourish at a school site. Again, an armed teacher might consider these individuals worthy of a bullet. Have I cast any doubt yet on the idea of arming teachers? I’ll go on.

 

The true elephant in the room are the students who have the ability to bring out the worst in a teacher. If any teacher ever tells you they love all their students equally, check closely. My bet is they have brown eyes because they’re full of s**t. Some students can be exceedingly unlikable, and to deny the fact is to live in the land of fairy dust and Mary Poppins.

 

Now let us put ourselves into a situation. Let’s say we have a student that at a tender age has already established the undeniable fact they will grow into a completely unsavory adult with no socially redeeming qualities. This young lad has just told his teacher to f**k off. This same teacher just got out of a mind-numbing staff meeting with a principal that loves to hear himself talk. The day before this same student’s parents just informed the teacher that he was failing to deal with their beloved offspring appropriately. Now let’s arm this teacher with a 357 magnum and see what happens. Nine times out of ten the teacher, being a professional, is going to keep his weapon safely in its holster. It’s the tenth time I’m worried about. Despite the obvious ramifications, the tendency to want to blow little Billy away could be very tempting, and all too often just too appealing.

 

In my teaching career, I lived through two teacher strikes. As is the nature of all strikes, the staffs were deeply divided. On one occasion, a non-striking teacher tried to run a fellow worker over that was walking the picket line.  Fortunately, the striking teacher managed to jump just in time and ended up on the hood of their fellow colleague’s car, then rolled to the ground slightly worse for wear. If the teachers had been armed the whole situation could have been settled in a much cleaner and more efficient manner, just a good old western shootout, eee haw!

 

Another great location for a possible confrontation is the teacher’s lounge, often a setting for venting frustration. During this particular lunch break things were particularly bleak, and due to budget cutbacks, the staff moral was at an all time low. Mr. Green was sitting at the staff table cleaning his new revolver, a Colt Pease Maker. Sadly, as any accomplished gun owner would know better, he forgot to unload the weapon first, and as a result, Mr. Green accidentally discharged a round winging Mrs. Scotland in the right shoulder. Luckily, she was left-handed and was able to squeeze off a shot before hitting the floor. Not able to take careful aim, her bullet passed inches from Mr. Green’s head and struck Miss. Smith square in the chest as she was entering the room just completing her recess supervision duties. She died instantly not having the time to draw her 9-millimeter Glock and return fire.

 

By this time, all hell had broken loose and the entire staff had their weapons drawn and were spraying bullets at anything that moved. The evening paper would read, “MISHAP AT ROSEBANK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, two teachers killed, three severely wounded.” Happily, only one student was injured. Little Tommy Waters was hit by a stray bullet that had passed through Mr. Forthright’s left ear lobe, then traveled through an open window and hit poor Tommy in the buttocks as he was playing on a swing.

 

Do we really want to arm our teachers? Wouldn’t a better use of public funds be to increase the availability of counselors and physiologist on our school campuses? 

Reviews

[Robbie~xoxo~]

This is a scary thought! I truly believe we need to have some form of defense for our children...maybe the principle and vice principle should be armed or there should be an armed officer at all times. It hurts my heart to even go there, but we must now think about these things and be bold with our statement... No more sitting around to see what will happen next..just my opinion. Great write...very controversial topic, Indeed!

[Donald Meikle]

yes Zeek. I was not convinced at first but you've brought me around to your viewpoint.

Arm everybody until the population is manageable again.

[roarke]

Hahahahaha ha. Fantastic article. We've now replaced the old expression of " going postal" with "going academic"....... I do disagree with you on one point however, that being the increase of councilors or psychologists. I think I'd rather just have the automatic weapons instead. But, that's another article.
Excellent stuff brother in arms.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Wow! Strong pov from the surfer dude. I LOVE this piece. An absolute hoot with a big dose of reality. The shoot out in the teacher's lounge had me rolling!

I love the position of the NRA on this issue too. Armed guards for every school. The ultimate arms race.... We can't stop those we've armed so let's arm the rest of 'em. Ironic that education is the cure to the problems in education.

Well done and much to ponder Zeeke!