The Hidden Truth

A story about my experience of having a secret that most did not know

When the words prejudice and stereotype come up, people associate that with race, ethnicity, or even religion. What most do not realize is that these two words can be associated with so much more. In my life they are closely associated with sexual orientation. Today there are a lot of different assumptions of people within the LGBT community. I had my own experience with in my own family. I was having an innocent conversation with my father when he decides to bring up, “a parent’s worst fear is for their child to turn gay.” So many things were wrong with that statement, and the worst part is neither my family, nor my dad has any idea about my hidden secret.

In my family being gay is like having a disease, a bad one at that. They think it’s immoral and not right, but worst of all they think it’s a choice. Being LGBT is 100% not a choice. Everyone is born gay and that is that. I only wish I could show my family what is inside my head and how it works for me, but me being bisexual makes things a lot worse. My family to an extent can deal with gays and lesbians, but the worst one of all is bisexual. They see it as being very confused, stupid, and not knowing what a person wants to do with their life. Hearing these things make me feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m living this lie every day within my family, as if I am pretending to be someone I’m not.

One day as I was sitting in my dining room with both of my parents, my dad decided to bring up the most random conversation topic. “You know a parent’s worst fear is to find out that their child has turned gay.” With an appalled look of disgust on my face, I completely disagreed with him. I told him that was not true at all. For me that would be the last thought or concern that I would worry about. The most I would be concerned with was if my kid became a drug addict or lived on the street. My dad only responded by saying, “you obviously would not care about your kids living a very confused life, or having to deal with all the bullying or dealing with their identity.” With all he had said he never realized why I was getting so angry, and I never think he will.

As my dad went on about this “idea” I kept trying to tell him how it is not a choice and that a person does not just “turn” gay. Hearing these words come from my father, made me feel hurt and betrayed. In a sense, that he was not even aware of, he was saying that I was bad and that what I am was this horrible creature. It made me feel unwanted and it made me feel as if I was this monster that was not supposed to exist. It got so close to the point that I wanted to yell out, “well, your fear came true dad!” But there was no way I could ever tell him that. It’s my own fear that I live with.

I always thought it was just my family that had problems with this. I never would have begun to think that people from my generation had much of a problem with sexuality. I thought wrong. I was in my gym class and we were in the pool for the swimming unit, which was not a favorite unit of mine. Out of the blue a girl that I never talked to, and did not really like that much, came up to me in the water while I was doing laps. She asked, “Are you bi?” I found it to be a weird question, but did not really see a problem. I figured she might have heard something from others, so I responded with a yes. She simply shrugged her arms, said okay, and swam away. After about five minutes or so she came back. “So you don’t have a problem with people knowing about you. Aren't you scared people aren't going to like that about you?” By this point I was getting peeved at her questions. She was putting it out there for me to see like a great big neon sign, that she did not like the idea of me being bisexual. I could have cared less.

The following day she was at it again. She told the gym teacher that she felt uncomfortable swimming with us girls, because some of us were “differently oriented” than her. I got extremely heated, and I could not believe she had such a problem with me that she would go to as far as complaining to the gym teacher. My friends later on told me that she went around to everyone in the class asking them if they knew I was “different”, but most of them did know, and again she went on asking her questions. “You don’t care? What if she hits on you or checks you out when we’re changing?” From what I had heard, I was shocked as to what she thought of me just because of my orientation. Just because I have an attraction toward girls does not mean I am going to check every girl out! It is the same as guys, they do not check out every single girl that walks past him. I never thought people my age had a problem with sexual orientation, but I learned the hard way that people my age, or any age can and do have just that problem.

If I was ever to tell my dad or anyone in my family of my orientation, it would not end well. They could never understand me or my preferences. I live with this secret every day of my life. I’m constantly hiding who I really am and it gets to a point where I do not know how much more of this lying I will be able to keep up with. I know one day I will have to tell them, but that one day is not here yet. I wish they could just accept the LGBT community. If they were to except It, I could finally come out of the closet that I have been hiding in from them, and all the pressure could just slide of my shoulders. Until then, I will keep myself in this closet and hope that one day I will have the courage to come out and be accepted.