This is not about Gem

A Story by Luke

To say that I have had some of the best moments of my life with you would not be an exaggeration. As you expect however the coin flips both ways. It is a very peculiar situation I find myself in with you. Most the time I get the feeling that you are ashamed of me. Like i’m part of a life that you have moved passed. As if to say the old you would welcome talking to me. The new you...not so much. That little segment of time is filled with bad memories; many caused by me. I still like to think that you did appreciate me. Scratch that, you did appreciate me. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. The day you asked me to sit with you on the way home form the very first football game; that was one of the good days. On the other side of of that damned coin, the day I made you cry at Huron.

I am doing my best to keep things simple. No metaphors and such, just like you asked. We move along. Most of the time back then it was time spent looking forward 5A when I would often sneak away for the person I was expected to talk to to talk to you. I sure you remember who that is. Also the times on aim after school where it seemed like we could talk about things in detail. I liked those times the best. Often I would read some of the things you wrote to buzzy (which was a bad idea on my part) and get upset. More like jealous now that I think about it. Its not like I didn’t have my chance; I just didn’t realize it would be my only chance.

We had ups and downs back then but it didn’t get too bad until the Florida trip. The beginning of the end you could say. I thought some things of you I will not say here and it goes without saying that things changed after that week for the worse for us. To this day it hasn't been the same.

The following year was a bad one. There would be the odd glare, which maybe I didn’t realize I was doing it. Maybe I couldn’t stand the fact that you would never look at me again. Surprising how bitter that made me. I thought has persisted to this day also. Hurts just as much when you avoid my gaze like you did before. Now and again I catch the odd look form you but I know you would never admit it.

The junior year you resumed contact with me. Not too sure why it was to be honest. Besides be symbolically and literally fucked maybe had something to do with it. I should just be thankful and move on I guess. Yet the thoughts remain.

Finally have returned to the present. Not much is different day by day. Most days I feel like you are just waiting for me to leave when I approach you. Like all else around you stops to compensate my presence. You smile too much i think. In the past it would make me think that i was being clever or funny. Like the great Elizabeth was smiling at me. The last real smile faded away many years ago. It is common to practice that you smile at everyone. I can picture your face now, just reading this. Your mask tightens, your eyes roll only slightly. All the while you smile through it all. When I have not left you began to repeat this routine until I have left. Of course this isn’t like that all the time. Like when there is no one else around you seem a bit more genuine. Even then you do not leave character I am afraid.

It is a sad to watch at times. Then again i’m sure I don’t know you as well as I think I do. What is sure to happen is that you will move past me. The path to stardom does not include me. At times I like to think that you like having me around; this is usually when we are not talking face to face. The illusion is shattered as soon as I see you again. I am reminded of my place.

There is the odd chance that I am wrong. Again, scratch that, there is the great chance that i am wrong, about you that is. You just have a funny way of showing it if you do care.

As I said I had my chance. I will not get another. You can not afford to give second chances. So I will not chase you. I will probably try to talk to you now and again; thinking maybe this time it will be different. The conversation will last as long as it takes for you to make me feel like s**t enough to leave. This is usually less likely to happen if you are alone.

I do not know when to quit and i’m sure this informative entry will not help or change our situation. The fact remains that I will be here, always. There is no dog like a loyal dog. And no matter how much pain and confusion you cause, I will always come back. Maybe I live on the thought that you will one day ask me to sit with you on the way back from a football.