forgive and forget

a girl realises she's stupid for forgiving her friend all the time just because she had feelings for him. He violently crushes her into hockey bags, she starts to flash back to the best times with him

"STOP IT, JARRED!" I'm pinned to a bench, with my back bending awkwardly backwards. 

"LET GO OF ME!" He yells. At that moment I realise I'm holding onto his shirt to stop me falling off the bench and into the inline hockey bags...

"Please. I. Can't. Breathe" I gasp. The hand he isn't using to lean on is just under my throat pushing my neck to bend opposite to my back.  This happened so suddenly. All I did was chase him around on skates because he stole my hockey bag. What's happened to Jarred this year? We used to be best friends. Jarred was my only true friend but this year we've drifted and now I can only hope this is the last time I see him. A memory started to fill my mind...

 

I was sitting alone in the hockey changing room, waiting for Lauren to get back from her job at digi roller skating. Lauren was my only friend at hockey. Inline hockey isn't very popular, normal hockey isn't either but inline is especially unpopular and not heard of much so we pretty much a self-funded club. So I was alone in the changing rooms with the boys in my team strutting around half naked slapping each other and yelling. Steven starts to taunt me with Corey and Dylan, Steven is the only black guy in the entire club so he is always making black jokes even though he's only half black and half Asian. Corey thinks that having dark brown Justin bieber hair with blonde tips is cool and he's short and Dylan is one of those guys you don't notice until they get into your face, not attractive but not ugly, you kinda forget the face easily. I don't remember what the boys were saying but I do remember it was something to do with me being fat and apparently not 'good' at inline hockey. Now, I had missed lasts weeks training session so I didn't know there was a new kid in our team and Lauren had to go home because a kid threw up on her, and her mum’s a germaphobe, so I was alone for training. I tightened my skates to hide my tears even though I had all my gear on and my skates were tight. 

We got onto the rink and that's when I first met Jarred. I couldn't really see his face because of the helmet cages, but I could see his brown eyes and tufts of brown hair coming out of his helmet at the front. He was crazy happy hanging with Steven and the others and I was just skating my warm ups when he came over and to my surprise he noticed my tears from 10minutes ago and said in an attractive South African accent, "Hey, what's wrong? I hate seeing girls sad and alone, especially the only other lefty here." 

"N-nothing, I'm fine just my friends not here so yeah. Surprised you knew I was a girl. The others tend to think I'm male in my gear and tell everyone I am." How did he notice I was a left hander unless he was looking...

"You kidin' right? You be too pretty to be a dude" 

I must've looked frightened cause after he said that he had a hurt face and skated off. That was our first conversation and I will never forget it.

 

I came back to the present and he was off me, angry and went off and didn't come back for 10 more minutes. I haven't moved because I am in shock and a new memory came back as he walked away...

 

This was my first time at his house. Our mothers met at hockey and became best friends, then our dads met and became good friends so we came over for dinner. Jarred and I were sorta friends at this point. I walked into the door and Jarred and I went over to his couch and started to watch that Johnny Depp movie, ummmm, mind blank it was, ahhhh, oh yeah, Dark Shadows. So we watched that and started to converse. He told me stories of his friends and I told him about my stupid PE teacher. Then we laughed and had dinner then went to his room. We lay in bed for a while and talked and laughed. I laughed so much I almost pissed myself. Then I took his phone and he took mine and before I knew it his number was in my phone and he texted himself to get my number. Then when I got my phone back I kept snapping photos of him and he then tackled me for my phone and we were rolling and falling and having so much fun for like half an hour. Back then I thought we were the same strength. Now I know that he was always playing easy.

 

In the current time he's handing me my hockey stick and tells me I'm playing next. My throat is dry and my arms are shaking. I walk outside and start to get into my gear. My friend Bella, who saw him attack me, comes over and gives me a hug, and I start to break down and cry. People stare but I don't care. My heart has been broken by Jarred so much and this time I know I can't forgive him because of the animalistic anger in his eyes I saw. This was the last chance I was giving him. Then I start to remember the first time I was broken by him, at the same time losing a friend I have had since year 1. 

 

I was walking home from school when a text came through my phone 'Hey Julz, Chloe told me you have a crush on me, and don't deny it, she showed me the text messages at school today...' My heart sunk. My legs stopped walking. My body fell to the floor, I was sitting leaning against a random fence. I had to reply. I couldn't ignore the text 'yeah, ma-b. Don't matta though cause u no like me dat way.' 

'Wat if I said I did?'

'I would laugh my head off and run the rest of the way home!'

'Well u better start runnin,'

I got off the floor and started screaming with joy. Running circles around the sign post... This was it, my first boyfriend in 3years! Then a message bleeped.... Eeee he must've been asking me out right? WRONG!

'But we shouldn't date, I like you but I wouldn't date u, not even secretly.' 

WHAT THE F*** what kind of guy does that! It would've been much more comforting if he just said that he didn't care I liked him and he didn't like me! But liking me and not wanting to date me? That made me  think of everything wrong with me, too many too list. And that's when my depression started. After thinking of everything wrong with myself I realised I shouldn't be alive. That night was the night I started to best myself with a ruler. I would slap my knuckles with a ruler as many times as I wanted every night until today. I never cut.

 

Today was terrible. I finally finished getting ready and I played my game. The other team kept getting past me. This many people have never gotten past. I usually only have 4 or 5 people get through in 40minutes.... But today, today 26 times I have been passed and it's still first half. The game finishes 14-0 and I feel bad cause I let my team down. 

It's been 6months since I liked Jarred but 2years since those text messages and I still remember every letter. Throughout the day I remember more and more times, when he told me I was the ugliest hag ever, when he kept feeling my b***s when I had a boyfriend and I had to force him off, when we were playing ping pong and he kept teasing me in front of his brother and my sister, and I realised, every time, I forgave him, no matter how bad it was. So that night I write a note:

 

 

'I used to think I love you, I used to think u cared about me... So why did u do it? I understand I'm annoying, I understand I'm a pain... But why did u do it? The animal I saw that day was not who I thought u were, the animal in your eyes was not what I saw in the past... I no longer know you, but you think we can still be friends... Did you really think that You r sooo great that you, giving me depression 2 years ago,  then lying to me on several occasions, then you cause me neck damage and nightmares, which make me have sleeping problems, would still have a place in my life!? NO I HAVE GIVEN UP ON YOU! You are a not an important person in my life, you're more like a parasite, sucking out my life and spilling it on top of others and never returning any to me.... You make me feel like I'm drowning, only I can see everyone breathing... Like in divergent when Tris is in the glass box, being filled with water, and she couldn't get out but she could see everyone she cared about surrounding the box laughing at her. If she didn't realise that it wasn't real she might have downed.... It took me years to realise you weren't real... Only now it's too late, I'm going to drown, I'm going to be destroyed by myself, and it's all because of a stupid school girl crush just like on TV. I realised I was stupid but I still fell for you... You've ruined my life and might've killed me. I hope you feel good about yourself! Oh wait, you do because you LOVE yourself so much the life of one pathetic little girl won't make any difference to your ego, you will NEVER be forgiven."

 

 

Then when everyone was out I picked up a gun and put it into my mouth. The trigger itching to be pulled... I pulled it but nothing happened. I looked at the gun and relished the safety was on. Flicking it off felt like relief was flowing through my body. The gun was placed beside my head this time. This time I can't forgive him. It's too late. The trigger is hard so I keep pre......

Author's Note

this is based on problems I have faced, but I changed the ending of my storey to give it more punch. please tell me if I have any mistakes or if its too boring.