CA in the end part 6

It had been fifty years since Baib’s death, the statue was made in honor of her. Though many didn't approve, a select few spent their money to get it made. I being one of those people. I’m close to the end of my years and I have never told anyone how I found Abrade dead that night.

 

I sit here next to the statue of Baib. Right on the land where the old orphanage used to stand. Her garden is still alive, and growing thanks to the villagers. It is now a new village of it’s own. The land found to be perfect for planting, and the winters never as cold as they used to be.

 

I remember being a young man watching the girl hang. She hung for hours. The rope tight around her neck, but she wasn’t ready to die. By the time she was pronounced dead the full moon was over head and her body was cold and dead.

 

Still she seemed to have been in peace. Her eyes closed the whole time. Her body barely breathing. It was, as many said, a peaceful soul, not ready to let go.

 

Baib’s body was taken down the next morning. She was lain on the stone in which they found her on. They usually leave the body out for three days. This was so they could tell if they were really death; though somewhere in the second day. Baib’s body disappeared. It was never found again. She was never heard of. At least alive again. Though they say she never died just made her body resemble death. It was very much possible.

 

I was the oldest person in the orphanage only months from being kicked out. I didn’t pay much attention to Baib or Abrade. Since I spent most of my time working on a farm and only slept at the orphanage. Though after it was burned to the ground all the children were moved to the large church.

 

I was walking down the hall late after work it had been a few days after Baib’s death, and I had been spending my time helping pick up the rubble that was for a while my home. As I walked I was hearing someone talk in a room. Abrade’s room at that, he didn’t have a room mate, he asked personally if he couldn’t, since his last one was found dead and he felt safer alone, yet he was talking to himself.

 

I opened the door to see the young boy looking at a mirror. He turned to me, and I could see passed him a reflection, not of him, but Baib. She was in the glass of the mirror she seemed trapped. “Calodsa, lobcaka” He said, his hand raised to me and I heard the door slam shut and lock.

 

“You were a bit to curious… “ The young boy turned to me. “I may as well tell you, since you well die soon” He talked away from the mirror. Biab forced to follow his movements, but inside the mirror.

 

“I took her body, made it so she has to follow me around, like my shadow and reflection and watch everything I do. She can’t stop it though. I was the one who attacked our orphanage, I am the true death of this world.” I could tell he loved hearing himself talk. “You know I can kill you and still blame it on Baib, they love me” He smirked.

 

He held his arm out to me and I was sure I was going to die. My eyes looked at Baib from the mirror her arm pointed to me as well. In her eyes there were tears as I could only see her lips mouthing, run. I was to young to die, but to terrified to move. I was the only person who probably faced the devil head on and lived, but here he was.

 

Baib was fighting, I could tell she some how managed to put her arm down, the mirror began to glow as she ran behind her to the dresser. Grabbing a book, in which I was able to read the title. “dabrakanebsa ibnabaradcada.”

 

She threw the book as hard as she could, and I watched as both books, the one in the mirror and the one outside flew through the air hitting the glass on both sides.

 

“No,” Abrade screamed as he turned to see the glass coming at him. He put his arms out and all I could see were two things, a black cloud coming from Abrade and the glow of light coming from Baib, who was stepping through the mirror.

 

She was wearing pure white, I never knew her short brown hair could have such nice curls when it was clean, and brushed. She looked over at me, smiling, even though there was still the sign of her tears. She wasn’t sad to be dead, her wings and halo showed she wasn’t the devil. She seemed to float out of the mirror, and once her feet touched the ground. The peacefulness I felt was gone.

 

Everything that I thought was slow and a good moment was gone. “Faladsa” I heard Abrade yelled. Next things I knew A large flame was going through the dark cloud toward Baib.

 

“Redfaledcata” Baif yelled a she put her hands out in front of her. She turned and looked at me, her eyes in which looked so black to everyone else were slowly turned into a crystal like blue. She looked at me with the same saddened look she had as she walked around the orphanage. “Run” She said in a soft voice. As I ran to the door. Having to break it down uses all my weight to hit against it. I could heat Baib say one more thing. “Parodtebcata”

 

I managed to escape the building. As I ran all I could see were flashes of lights, evil and good. I ran to get help, but by the time I got there Abrade seemed dead….

 

There is the saying that Abrade, the devil. Was sent back to hell. Baib giving up her chance of joining heaven to do so. The other chance was that the devil’s soul still walks the earth and Baib is still searching for him. The only thing I knew was the book was gone, the mirror fixed and almost all traces of Baib and Abrade were gone.

Reviews

[K. D. Kromminga]

The way this is written is sounds like your "narrator" is totally uninvested in the story that they are trying to tell, that the "narrator" just was in the wrong place at the wrong time and just happened on to the circumstances that related to the telling of this story. I'm not sure if this is actually the effect you were trying for. It takes your reader completely out of the story to end it in this way, and deemphasizes any emotional closeness that you have so for built for your characters in your story. Of course having the rest of your story in mostly third person, and suddenly switching to first person in this last chapter does not help the reader remain close to your characters either.

[r]

I love this story!! It's amazing the way you write it, and I love how beautiful Baib sounds in there. She's pure, and he's evil, the devil. And she has to find his wondering soul, finish him off... Wow. Amazing.

[Coyote Poetry]

This is a very interesting chapter. I like the history and the story. The characters are getting more interesting. I look forward to reading more.
Coyote

[Mauricio Montoya]

very good writing, nice job.

[HorrorMaster]

Very good written chapter.

[Wolfwind Words]

Wonderful ending Ashley! I loved how Baib ended up being an angel of some kind. And how her eyes turned to blue in the end was really cool.

Two thumbs up!
Wolfie

[RDOriginal]

You've created a great character here and every review I write I get a little more involved with her and her life. I feel so sorry for her too and that means you've done a really good job of selling Baib as a genuine person to the reader.

[YoungWolf]

There were quite a few gramatical errors as I finished up the last of the chapters - there were times when the story would jump from past to present tense, and there were others when the perspective would unexpectantly go from first to third and then back all over. While it wasn't a showstopper, it definitely made it a little more difficult to get completely engaged into the story.

With that being said, well done on writing a short story that can keep readers hooked. It's almost as if you know this person and want to reach out a help her throughout her tribulations. Tragic as it may be, I found myself wondering why she had to deal with the pain in her life. Well written!

[Jong Schrijver]

Yes there were a couple grammatical errorsbut they did not take away from how amazing this was. I loved it! This was really good! Keep up the great writing:)

[Norma M Sutton]

Very involved story. I'm enjoying the characters immensely. I found the following:

It had been fifty years since Baib’s death, the statue was made in honor of her. Though many different --- did you mean this to be didn't? - - -approve, a select few spent their money to get it made. I being one of those people. I’m close to the end of my years and I have never told anyone how I found Abrade dead that night.

I sit here next to the statue of Baib. Right on the land where the old orphanage used to stand. Her garden ---is?--- still alive, and growing thanks to the villagers. It is now a new village of it’s own. The land found to be perfect for planting, and the winters never as cold as they used to be.

I remember being a young man, ---no comma? and watching? ---watched the girl hang. She hung for hours. Her ---?The? instead of her? ---rope tight around her neck, but she wasn’t ready to die. By the time she was pronounced dead the full moon was over head ---check and see if overhead is one word or two--- and her body was cold and dead. (Still she seemed to have been in peace. Her eyes closed the whole time. Her body barely breathing.)---I think these three sentences should be a single sentence. The second two read like part of a sentence --- It was(,) as many said (,)a peaceful soul, --- I don't think you need this comma--- not ready to let go.

Baib’s body was taken down the next morning. She was lain---check and see if this is the right word? I'm not sure what it should be, but want to think lying. I don't have my book at this computer --- on the stone in which ---maybe that instead of in which--- they found her on. They usually leave there --- the?--- body out for three days. This was so they could tell if they were really dead… though somewhere in the second day. ---I think this period should be a comma or possibly a semicolon? The section between the ... and the period is a partial sentence--- Baib’s body disappeared. It was never found again. She was never heard of. (,)At least alive(,?) again. Though they say she never died just made her body resemble death. It was very much possible.



I was the oldest person in the orphanage only months from being kicked out. I didn’t pay much attention to Baib or Abrade. Since I spent most of my time working on a farm and only slept at the orphanage. Though after it was burned to the ground all the children were moved to the large church.



I was walking down the hall late after work it had been a few days after Baib’s death, and I had been spending my time helping pick up the rubble that was for a while my home. As I walked I was hearing someone talk in a room. Abrade’s room at that, he didn’t have a room mate, he asked personally if he couldn’t, since his last one was found dead and he felt safer alone, yet he was talking to himself.



I opened the door to see the young boy looked---?looking?--- at a mirror. He turned to me, and I could see passed him a reflection, not of him, but Baib. She was in the glass of the mirror she seemed trapped. “Calodsa, lobcaka” He said, his hand raised to me and I heard the door slam shut and lock.



“You were a bit to curious… “ The young boy turned to me. “I mess well tell you, since you well die soon” --- the bit in quotation's doesn't make much sense to me, did you mean "I may as well tell you, since you will die soon? ---He talked away from the mirror. Biab forced to follow his movements, but inside the mirror.



“I took her body, made it so she has to follow me around, like my shadow and reflection and watch everything I do. She can’t stop it though. I was the one who attacked are---?our--- school, I am the true death of this world.” I could tell he loved hearing himself talk. “You know I can kill you and still blame it on Baib, they love me” He smirked.



He held his arm out to me and I was sure I was going to die. My eyes looked at Baib from the mirror her arm pointed to me as well. In her eyes there were tears as I could only see her lips mouthing, run. I was to young to die, but to terrified to move. I was the only person who probably faced the devil head on and lived, but here is was---this part is unclear, do you mean here he was?.



Baib was fighting, I could tell she some how managed to put her arm down, the mirror began to glow as she ran behind her to the dresser. Grabbing a book, in which I was able to read the title. “dabrakanebsa ibnabaradcada.”



She throw (?threw) the book as hard as she could, and I watched as both books, the one in the mirror and the one outside throw (flew?) through the air hitting the glass on both sides.



“No,” Abrade screamed as he turned to see the glass coming at him. He put his arms out and all I could see were two things, a black cloud coming from Abrade and the glow of light coming from Baib, who was stepping through the mirror.



She was wearing clean wet---?do you mean pure white?---, I never knew her short brown hair could have such nice curls when it was clean, and brushed. She looked over at me, smiling, even though there was still the sign of her tears. She wasn’t sad to be dead, her wings and halo showed she wasn’t the devil. She seemed to float out of the mirror, and once her feet touched the ground. The peacefulness I felt was gone.



Everything that I thought was slow and a good moment ---?a moment before?---was gone. “Faladsa” I heard Abrade yelled. Next things I knew A large flame was going through the dark cloud toward Baib.



“Redfaledcata” Baif yelled a she put her hands out in front of her. She turned and looked at me, her eyes in which looked so black to everyone else were slowly turned into a crystal like blue. She looked at me with the same saddened look she had as she walked around the orphanage. “Run” She said in a soft voice. As I ran to the door. Having to break it down uses all my weight to hit against it. I could heat Baib say one more thing. “Parodtebcata”



I managed to escape the building. As I ran all I could see were flashes of lights, evil and good. I ran to get help, but by the time I got there Abrade seemed dead….



There is the saying that Abrade, the devil. Was sent back to hell. Baib giving up her chance of joining heaven to do so. The other chance was that the devil’s soul still walks the earth and Baib is still searching for him. The only thing I knew was the book was gone, the mirror fixed and almost all traces of Baib and Abrade were gone.