CA the real Abrade part 5

Abrade Babsat was brought to the orphanage by a man, the man wore a thick dark cloak that covered most of his body and all of his face. Mrs. Hiple opened the door in the middle off a winter night. It wasn’t long after the explosion that woke most of the village.

 

The man said nothing as he forced the small baby into Mr. Hiple’s arms and quickly walked away. It wasn’t until the next day did the witches spill what had happened. After all they were captured fleeing the mountain, but because of the evil cloud that covered the mountain no one was able to get close to the area until it was over.

 

Abrade lived like any of the other children, he was an average child who mostly done what he was told. He shared a room with a boy about five years older then him, and since Abrade was a really quiet boy he only talked to that boy. It didn’t take long for Abrade to become friends with a lot of people, though he always hung out with the older boys. Who accepted him even though he was younger.

 

Abrade was quiet tall for his age, his round face and coal black hair made him stand out in the group. There weren’t many children, or people for that matter, with that color. Usually from working in the sun their hair gotten lighter, or they were born with a red taint, yet Abrade’s hair stayed the perfect color of coal black.

 

Abrade was the same age as Baib, and was the only one who actually talked to her. It happened a year before her death. In the harsh winter, the day of her birth. Baib was told to go to the lake, frozen over by the cold it was not solid ice. It was a prank that Abrade’s group decided to pull. Abrade actually was the one who thought of it. The boys and a few girls that joined stood near the ice as Baib, blinded folded was walked slowly to the center of the lake. As she went they were all laughing and singing a odd happy birthday song. “One year older, one year closer. One year further, closer to your death.” They clapped and sang.

 

It wasn’t the song they sung for everyone else on their birthday. No child got any gifts or a party. They were usually given an extra desert and that was it, but they all had something special planned for Baib.

 

Five people circled her as she stood in the middle of the lake. She had little clue what was going on as she stood there on the cold ice with no shoes, no pants and just a thin piece of clothing she used as a dress. Abrade was the one to call it. “Take off the blind fold” He laughed. Baib of course done what she was told.

 

Her eyes quickly widened as she looked around her. Baib couldn’t swim, she actually was thrown into this lake and almost drown in the late summer. Now she found herself in the middle of it. She quickly fell to her knees. “Take me off” She muttered as she looked down at the ice.

 

They shook their heads and took out the sharpened sticks that had made by stealing a knife from the kitchen. They shoved the sticks into the ice around Baib. She screamed, “Please stop, please.” The four older boys quickly ran, afraid that Baib would try something, but as the ice kept cracking she just sat there. In terror.

 

The children heard the bell for lunch. Everyone left. If you were late for the meal, you didn’t get it. So that meant everyone wanted to eat. Only Abrade stayed. He waited tell all the other children were out of sight. Baib sat there crying out as she begged for him not to make the ice crack anymore. He shook his head as he stomped on the ice.

 

The ice went from under her and she tried to hold onto the ice by Abrade’s feet. She held out her small arm. “Please, please don’t let me drown.”

 

Abrade bent down and looked her in the eyes. “Id wublada nebvara lebta mib sibsatara did. Basidsa wibtacahasa lidka ud nebvara darobnada.”

 

Baib was shocked as she heard what she thought was her own language spill from his lips. “mid labnagubga,” She muttered.

 

“No nob ibta ibsa mid labnagubga. Ud jubsata webra gibfatada af nob ibta. Id abma abnada webla ba taheb obnalaya ac wahob webla ebvara cadra adbobta ud.”

 

“Id dob nobta wabnata af ba farebnadasa wibtaha Ud. Udra taheb rebla debvibla. Ebvebna ibfa ud ra mid barobtahara.” Baib screamed as she was still trying to get out of the hole. Her hands where cutting into the ice and a lot of it was breaking off under her weight. She was freezing and found she couldn’t talk anymore, because she was so cold.

 

“Id wibla nobta lebta yud did. Jubsata kedpa tahibsa ad sedcaraibta sahaha,” Abrade said in a soft but demonic tone. He reached down and pulled small Baib out of the hole.

 

“Nob tablakibnaga. Nob teblaibnaga tahebma obra id webla kibla ud abnada tahebna abla obfa tahaebma.”

 

That was how Baib and Abrade became friends, they more of less used each other. They would go off and talk, no one ever knew where they went or what they talked about.  Abrade was always the one to make Baib’s life a hidden nightmare. He talk them what to do to get on her nerves. Baib was always to afraid to do anything.

 

That night it was perfect. Baib had been caught for so many things and she had become so frustrated that you could hear her muttering in her room. Everyone though she was saying evil things, but Abrade knew. Finally his roommate entered the room. “Hey Abrade I though you would be a sleep man, after that fight with the witch. Nice going… I thought you and her were cool makes no since.”

 

“She wanted to kill me… She just was going to trick me. I’m going to end her and be a hero” Abrade showed the man the knife that he was supposed to give back to the kitchen.

 

“You don’t mean that man. I think you like her, I mean you guys actually spend a lot of time together, what’s the witch really like?”

 

“She’s not a witch… oddly. She knows the language, but her soul is pure. It’s odd really, like when I was send down… so was one of gods angels.

 

“Wait what do you mean” Abrade’s roommate asked as he took off his day shirt to put on his night one. He didn’t seemed that worried. Most likely believed it was a joke.

 

Abrade held the knife in his hand. “Id hadva nobta hada balobda ibna sob lobnaga.” Abrade said as he stood the knife tight in his hand.

 

His room mate, thirteen of age, twice as old as Abrade now turned to see Abrade coming at him. “Hey man, that was a great act of Baib’s language, but what’s with the knife?”

 

“Dabma it’s not her language it’s mine.” Abrade screamed as he jumped at his so called friend. After that it was already said. Abrade killed his roommate. Stabbing him multiple times and then cutting off his head. Then when he heard Baib he broke through the window.

 

Abrade quickly ran around the building. Cleaning off the knife and his clothing. There was so much commotion that no one ever though what had happened to Abrade, since it was his room. He was never asked about it. Mr. Himple took Baib in the middle of the night all the way to the village.

 

Baib spent a night in the jail, though early that morning she did have a visitor, Abrade. “Gob abwabya.” Baib hissed as she put her head against the bars.

 

Abrade smiled. “Wibtaha ud gobna id cabna kibla tahebma abla. Ebvebna ibfa tahebya kibla med. Mid sobla webla satibla ba obna rataha af.kibla. Ibta ibsa af bada ud webra mada mid sibsatara. Ud wobda hadva mada ad garadta libtala pebta.” He laughed as he put his hand in between the bars and ran it through Baib’s hair.

 

Baib moved her head as she stared at Abrade. “I will never allow you to kill them I willn’t” Baib screamed.

 

“Tahebna satobpa med” Abrade smirked. “ubnalobcaka,” He muttered, the door to the cell opened. He didn’t waist time. “vabnibsaha,” With that he was gone.

 

Abrade appeared near the orphnage. Everyone was laughing and enjoying the fact that they didn’t have to worry about Baib, many of them morning the lose of a friend. It wasn’t long before Abrade’s group of people ran up to him. “Hey man… what happened to you last night.

 

“Can we talk in private?” Abrade asked, giving off the feeling of sadness, which he didn’t even know. They followed him into there old room. “Lobcaka,” he muttered.

 

“So tell us what happened.” One of the ten guys asked.

 

“I killed him” Abrade muttered giving then a dirty look. He held his hands out to him as he stood in front of the door. “Bubrana,” He screamed. Black flames filled the room, almost as though they were a live they leaped onto the boys in the room.

 

Abrade unlocked the door and grabbed a knife. He went from room to room, stabbing everyone who he happened to find. The fire he then added to every room, as it because large, covering the building.

 

At this time Baib was going around pulling children from the rooms. They ran outside well she stayed behind. It wasn’t long before she found Abrade.

 

“Saob ud mada ibta?” Abrade smirked as he looked around the room he was in. He held a knife, his hand covered in blood. Near him the body of a young girl. A girl only a year older than Baib and Abrade.

 

“Id wibla kibla ud,” Baib screamed as she ran at him, she went for the knife. Abrade didn’t have enough time to ask as he seen the man coming into the room, he let go of the knife and coward in the corner as she ran toward him. The man grabbed her arm and literally picked her from the ground.

 

Abrade and the living children were taken to a new place were they waited for a new children’s home to be made.

Reviews

[K. D. Kromminga]

This is much better, a lot more balance in action, dialogue, exposition and description. I still think you should establish a third person viewpoint character for each scene so that you can engage the reader with your characters more. This is typically done by showing us the internal dialogue(thoughts and feelings) of one of your characters in the story. If you are still thinking about a first person viewpoint character(narrator) you should probably abandon it at this point, as there is no way to actually have a first person narrator see the action of a story from this many angles at once and choosing first person now would necessitate a serious rewriting/editing of the entire story.

[r]

Whoa. Awesome! I already expected him, knew it was him really, but reading it is awesome!! Omg, he is suck a dick, b*****d, whatever you want to call him!! Omg! I love this story!!

[Coyote Poetry]

I like this story. You create strong characters and enchanting story of great possibilities. A very good chapter.
Coyote

[HorrorMaster]

Awesome chapter. :)

[Mauricio Montoya]

you got what it takes, great job.

[RDOriginal]

You're now actually publishing chapters faster than I can review them! Please can you send some of your eagerness in this direction as I struggle to get a hundred words down in a day.

You've done a good job of providing extra back story to the characters and I really have sympathy for Baib now.

Please can you put me out of my misery and tell me what language the witches are talking? It's driving me crazy!

[chaotic katie]

i loved this chapter fantastic job

[Norma M Sutton]

I found a lot of possible typos in this? Or is that how the characters speak and part of the way it should read? Anyhow I found the following. The story is good, just needs polishing I think.

the man wear--- wore?--- a thick dark cloak that covered most of his body and all of his face

he was an average child who mostly done --- did?--- what he was told.

It didn’t take long for Abrade to become friends with a lot of people, though he always hung out with the older boys. (?They?) Who accepted him even though he was younger.

Abrade was quiet tall for his age, his ---round?--- found face and coal black hair made him stand out in the group. There weren’t many children---(,)--- or people for that matter---(,)--- with that color. Usually from working in the sun their hair gotten lighter, or they were born with a red taint, yet Abrade’s hair stayed the perfect color of coal black.

As she went they were all laughing and singing a odd happy birthday sound---?song?---. “One year older, one year closer.

Baib of course done---?did?--- what she was told.

Now she find---?now she found or now finding?--- herself in the middle of it. She quickly fell to her knees. “Take me off” She muttered as she looked down at the ice.

The ice went from under her and she tried to hold onto the ice by Abrade’s feet. She held out her small arm. “Please, please don’t let me drawned.” --- are you using drawned because that is how she speaks or do you mean drown?

Baib screamed as she was still trying to get out of the wole---?hole?---. Her hands where cutting into the ice and a lot of it was breaking off under her weight. She was freezing and found she couldn’t talk anymore, because she was so cold.

That was how Baib and Abrade became friends. They would go off and talk, no one ever heard what they said, though Abrade was always the one to make Baib’s like a hidden nightmare. He talk them what to do to get on her nerves. Baib was always to afraid to do anything. --- I'm not sure what you mean in the paragraph?

I though---thought?--- you and her were cool makes no since.”

I mean you guess---?guys?--- actually spend a lot of time together, what’s the witch really like?”

“She’s not a witch… oddly. She knows the language, but she---her?--- soul is pure. It’s odd really, like when I was send down… so was one of gods angels.

Everyone---?was--- laughing and enjoying the fact that they didn’t have to worry about Baib, many of them morning the lose of a friend. It wasn’t long before Abrade’s group of people ran up to him. “Hey man… what happened to you last night.

[Wolfwind Words]

I think I like this chapter the best so far. It answers alot of questions as well as gives us a unique look at the dark forces that had been playing throughout.

There are more typos in this one though... I think you must have been excited writing it! :)

The plot and scene development was beautiful and cohesive, making it for a dynamic and very visual chapter.

Hugs!
Wolfie