CA part 2

Well the locals were going through the mountains they found something odd, right on top of the stone wall that was still up there in the cold harsh mountain terrain was the a bundle. They were sure it was dead. As the mother was killed the night before, impregnate and the baby had been out in the cold. Still when a brave man lifted the bundle it moved, cried even.

 

The looked at the angel faced girl, her black hair only an inch or so long. She seemed so cold, wrapped in only a black silk blanket. She lived through the night. The snow around her untouched, she didn’t seem evil at all. It seemed as though they were all mistaken. There was a tag around the young girl’s neck, a name Baib, almost sounding like ‘babe’.

 

It was hard to decide, many believed the baby should have died. They all seen the large explosion from the village. They all seen the odd cloud that came, yet the snow wasn’t touched or burned. It hadn’t snowed to cover anything up. Still the star and everything that was a part of the thing cults plan was gone.

 

No one could get themselves to kill such a young child who seemed innocent so they done the only thing they could. They put the child in the foster home. This would have been an alright think. Other then the only orphanage was run by a woman who much less hated children. It was like being an orphan was the same as being a prisoner. The orphan was deep in the forest away from the village and children were more then poor since the woman never gave any of the money that the town saved for the orphans to the orphans.

 

The girl was taken to the woman who was in her early thirties. A rather fat woman who all she does it eat. She had no care of her looks and the children spent all their time cleaning and doing work. The woman loved punishment and didn’t like any noise. It was hard to believe but she was the only woman who would take the job. Most of the time women didn’t work. If they did they were teachers or helped on farms. Most women needed a man and that meant they had children of their own.

 

Mrs. Hiple was the only woman who would take the job, since most women had their own children or wanted their own. Besides Mrs. Hiple had no family. She was given a home and food and that was all she needed, she didn’t have to do any work, but that changed when she gotten the new child called Baib Tacaha.

Author's Note

xD someone try to figure out what the girl's name means. Baib Tacaha

Reviews

[K. D. Kromminga]

A lot of Description and Narration only. Even in backstory its helpful to flesh the story out with some action and dialogue, it helps the reader get more in tuned with story you are attempting to tell. You should think of some individual scenes, perhaps the villagers finding the child and their reaction to it, and perhaps them taking the child to the woman to raise after they "decide" they can't kill her.

On Authenticating details again, it would be helpful to show us something of village life in the town that this baby girl is being accepted into. Give us some details about who found her, what they do for a living, why the woman they are taking her to is without children, et al. There are a lot of thing you could do with some "world" building to make your story more believable.

[r]

This is great! I love it. I love the baby's name, but I have NO clue what it means. Guess I'll find out in the cheat sheet, won't i?

[RDOriginal]

The story is developing nicely here. As other reviewers have pointed out there still might need to be a bit of explanation as to how things have happened. Then again, maybe you can reveal that later on? Leave the audience guessing as it were.

I'm stumped as to what the girls name means, it doesn't appear to be an anagram so I guess maybe it means something in another language? It's definitely not Persian or English (the only languages I know anything more than a handful of words of) so that only leaves another few hundred languages for people to pick!

You've got a good story building up here so my only other advice is push on.

[thedaydreamer]

Eventhough, the storyline is cool... there are clouds of confusion all around. How the kid was found by the locals, from where the tag came etc..

As I could perceive from your writing, you are a creative writer with a lots of ideas running through your mind. You just need to polish them. And diamonds will they earn you.

The style of writing is a little juvenile and there are errors all around. Keep giving finishing touches to your work.

Sorry if my words discourage you, but thats what I am meant for- giving you a sip from my cup of tea. Keep writing ... :)

[Wolfwind Words]

I like the feeling and pace of the story so far. I like your attention to detail throught what you have thus far. I'm eager to see where the story goes from here!

Two places that i came to left me confused. The first was the end of chapter 1. when the locals found out about the witches and burnt them. How did they find out about them? That wasn't clear.
The second spot was the last paragraph on this chapter. Did you mean MRS. Hiple?

I like it! xD

I know what the name mean! ;) But I wan't tell!

Wolfie

[the pup]

nice good job with writing the book i like what its about an i hope to see more things u make into story=)

[chaotic katie]

this was a great chapter i loved it you are a fantastic writer

[Arctic Fox]

:/

[a_mystery]

hmm... again a strong chapter.. the story reminds me of some movies i have seen(horror ones..!!).. but you create interest in the reader by keeping up suspenses.. waiting 4 the next one.. :)