The true world

The true world

A Chapter by Ashley.M.E

Her eyes wide with wonder

Her hands tiny but strong

She holds her head so tall

Her smile bright not frail

She may seem small and weak

She may not be able to stand

Though no matter what you think

Someday she will

She will see our world

For what it really is

For now just let her dream

That everything is peace

And then let her learn for herself

That everyone needs help

That in our world of illness and death

No one can stand alone

Let her learn that she can ask

And their will be a hand to grab

For no one needs to live

In a place where there’s only famine

She can’t stand alone

But like many she will be strong when together

@All rights reserved by Ashley.M.E



© 2010 Ashley.M.E


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In the first line, it should be "wonder" not "wander" and in the second line it should be "but" not "put". Also, the "And then" in the thirteenth line feels out of place, it might flow better if you removed them. But even so, the line isn't entirely grammatically correct because before "herself" it would need a "for". So my suggestion, just a suggestion, would be to make the line "Let her learn for herself". Also, the lines "That our world of illness and death / No one can stand alone" don't make complete grammatical sense. In order for it to flow, you need to add "in" in the first line "That IN this world".

Other than those issues, I enjoyed reading this piece. Very inspiring and motivational. An interesting look on the birth of a new human. I liked it.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Superb. You enable your readers to dream with this write. Very good job!

Posted 14 Years Ago


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r
Amazing. You always write awesomely, Ashley.

Posted 14 Years Ago


I think everyone in the world wishes the world was not like this. A lot of people want to have peace on Earth. But if the wars do not stop then that will never be. Everything is crashing down around us anyways. A child that does not know that there is no peace will learn one day. You can't expect them to know until they are older. When they do learn that they will just feel like they were lied to their whole life. Well thanks for sharing. :)

Posted 14 Years Ago


In the first line, it should be "wonder" not "wander" and in the second line it should be "but" not "put". Also, the "And then" in the thirteenth line feels out of place, it might flow better if you removed them. But even so, the line isn't entirely grammatically correct because before "herself" it would need a "for". So my suggestion, just a suggestion, would be to make the line "Let her learn for herself". Also, the lines "That our world of illness and death / No one can stand alone" don't make complete grammatical sense. In order for it to flow, you need to add "in" in the first line "That IN this world".

Other than those issues, I enjoyed reading this piece. Very inspiring and motivational. An interesting look on the birth of a new human. I liked it.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

interesting and insightful
i have thought about how sometimes we see someone living happily and sometimes rain on their parade out of protection
there's definitely a balance of ignorant bliss
well said.

Posted 14 Years Ago


It reminded of my baby brother, the young being guided.

Posted 14 Years Ago


great write it had fantastic imagry which always makes for a great write fantastic job

Posted 14 Years Ago


Wonder not wander, but not put first and second line. I don't know exactly what my opinion of this is. Its more like I'm just listening to how childhood goes. But I suppose with that in mind its wonderful. A little obvious, but something not a lot of people catch.
Rain

Posted 14 Years Ago


It sounds like you need a friend and you would like to stand on your own since no one care that your there but you see the alone or not the you can stand up and become stronger but if you become to strong you will need no one else, but nicely built as she gets threw her fight and stands for what she believes.

Posted 14 Years Ago


quite amazing... the pain is depicted pretty well... seemed like journey with an optimistic end... good work!

Posted 14 Years Ago



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Added on June 17, 2010
Last Updated on December 31, 2010


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