Things on my mind

Just like that time when you think that if you kill yourself, that’s gonna be the time where everyone gonna think about you and what they did or didn’t do for you. Everything is gonna make sense and they probably gonna feel your presence in another level, feel your pain, cry like you did, ask themselves what did they do wrong, ask¿ why would i do that?, invent rumors and it would be just fine because I wasn’t gonna be able to defend myself anymore or get caught up in all the drama or look stupid cause i wasn’t gonna be here anymore... I know I’m not the only one who going or been through stuff like this, I know there is worse things going on in the world but in my world, in my life........ S**t it feels just like any other tragedies, not that I want anyone close to me to die or nothing like that ¡of course not! I would never want something like that to happen but whyyyyyy do I feel like this, F**K! I should’ve never answered or pick the phone up, I should’ve never went there, because everything was going just fine, i was happy, i had a little peace for a second, well.... for a couple of weeks.

I know it’s kinda corny and funny but there’s this song that I listened some time ago where it describes what you should or shouldn’t do if you ex tries to mess you life up again, and I totally fail to follow the rules of lipa’s song 😂 omg it’s funny but it’s real😕 and it’s ironic for someone like me because when I listen to a song I really really LISTEN to it I don’t just HEAR it, i think about it, i see how much of my life is in those lyrics but yet sometimes I’m either one of the characters in those songs, if it’s about a love situation especially. But yet dec.25 2017 around 12pm i fail those rules of that song I listened on repeat, with my head up like i was never gonna do the singer wrong 😅😂🤣🙂😟�"�"�'".

I think if I don’t say it, if i don’t write it down how i was thinking just now (I’m not ready to write down what I really wanna say, sorry, just imagine how painful 😣 it is) it won’t hurt as much but it still does, i just don’t wanna feel nothing towards that situation, I know I can’t completely block me from thinking about it but AT LEAST I DON’T WANNA FEEL NOTHING WHEN I DO🖤. I am scared to cry with such pain again ( I guess i made,make, im making some progress) don’t get me wrong I wanna break down, i wanna cry, i wanna yell, i wanna hit them in the face but i am SOOOO SCARE of what could come after that.

I know i know all these things I’m going through it’s because something big it’s coming for me, that one day I would be happy, but I don’t have patience, nothing goes my way, everyone and everything it’s going fine around me yet I’m still here in the same place he left me, i see he looks happy and he don’t care about being miserable or making me miserable, he talks to me in a tone i never heard before (like he’s tired of me) yet he had the audacity to text me several times a week, wish me a merry Christmas and when i call you to ask him not even about us just something that is mine, my property he answered “yeah, yeah” like i am annoying him after he had sex with me and said things that meant something to me, the type of things that has me like this today, sad again, down again...

This is really a couple of things I would like to tell HIM, it is why i keep deleting the word YOU out of this letter ( how I would call it) because even thou it’s about him and for him, he would never read it.