Hope. It can either destroy you or build you up. It all depends on how you deside to use it.
There was a time, not too long ago, when my world seemed to shatter around me. And I mean that both literally and figuratively. The ground rumbled underneath my feet. Ash and dirt filled the air, chocking everyone in its grasp. It lasted several minutes, shaking and crashing everything it touched. Not many people lived. I can't tell you why it happened- I'm still trying to figure that out myself. But I can tell you that the worse damage was the loss of life. You were among that loss.
It took me weeks to find out. The sky stayed dark for days. Heavy and low clouds pushed down on the remaining people. Of the few survivers, the ones lucky enough to find open space to avoid the crumbling buildings or those who fled in time, a search party was created to find any survivors. I had been out in a field towards the back of my work building when it hit. There was single tree in it; a peach tree. When ever the fruit was ripe I would go out to the field and pick some for you. They were your favorite.
The search party started that day. I had rushed home right after the incident. The house was in a crumbled heap. I knew you would not be there, you would be at work. Nothing was left. I joined the search committee quickly after that. I could feel the heavy weight of my heart in my cheast, aching
constantly. Days went by with no results. The rubble and damage was so bad it was taking forever just to search a room. A day did not go by where I did not shed a tear. I
I held on to the hope you were alive. It was the only thing keeping be grounded. The only thing that kept me on my feet.
The search was terrible. Each day I didn't find you, I found myself deteriating. My hope diminished to almost nothing in a few days. Rubble was everywhere. The only thing I could identify was a spoon I had found wedged under more rubble. On the last day,the day we found your body, my world truly shattered. You were at the office, just like I knew you would be, crushed by a wall that had collapsed. I crumpled to the ground sobbing your name and begging you to wake up. I held your hand in mine, whispering that it would be alright. I knew it wasn't true, that you couldn't hear me, but I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. You were dead and you were never coming back.
Grief swallowed me whole.
I left the site of the damage that night, after they took you away. I wondered around, clutching my chest and trying to hold back sobs. Soon, I was standing in more rubble. I wanted to scream and curse at everything. I hated that rubble, I hated every piece of it. Tears stained my face as I yelled out you name. Once again, I was on the ground, gasping as I tryed to catch my breath between sobs.
I layed on ground just crying as days passed by. Sleep avoided me and I could feel myself growing weak and hungry. I needed to get up but I couldn't find the will. After what I assumed to be a few days later, I woke up sometime in the afternoon. The sky had cleared considerabley. Fluffy white clouds filled the blue as they floated around. And I hated it. How could the sun even consider to shine after everything that happened? My knees had been scraped and bruised from where I must have tripped a few days before. I pulled them up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I sat like that for hours. Finally, I got up and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I continued to stumble around with shaky legs around the rubble.
How long do you have to endure the bad to receive the good? To see that flicker of light in the darkness?
I pulled up short at the sight before me. My hand flew up to my mouth in an attempt to silence the sobs threatening to come. I fell to my knees and just stared. I couldn't take my eyes off it. It looked so out of place in the damage that surrounded me. A lone tree; a peach tree. It's leaves ruffled with the light breeze, it's limbs swaying gracefully. My body shook as the guilt overwhelmed me. I couldn't do it. You wouldn't have wanted it.
Slowly, I pulled myself to my feet again. I made my way over to the tree, tripping on the rubble of my work building on the way. I placed my hand on the rough bark and used my free hand to wipe away the tears
that wouldn't stop falling no matter how much I wanted them to. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I had to
fair. You would not want to see me cry. You wouldn't want to see me sad and broken.
I looked up at the branches dangling above me. I could smell the bark and the leaves. They smelled fresh and full of life. I thought back to the day you told me that if something ever happened to you that I would have to move on with my life. That I would not let grief confine me and consume me. And I promised you that day that I would not allow it. I needed to keep that promise. And seeing that lone tree reminded me of that. It gave me hope that I would have the strength to continue living. I needed to, for you. It would be hard, I knew that right away. It would be so easy to curl up and never move as I slowly faded
away. But I couldn't do that and it would take a lot of endurance not to.
The kind of endurance I needed had to be flawless. There was no room for me to waver. No room to second guess. I had to stay strong for you. Because sometimes you need to endure things to see the real heart behind what has been presented to you. And instead of looking at it like a burden, look at it like a blessing- because the best way to lesson a burden is to think of it as something entirely different. And although I will always miss you, nothing could change that, your death showed me that life can always move on no matter what. That hope can be good and rewarding as well as distructive. That a lone tree can stand tall with all the damage that surrounds it.
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