On the Outside Looking In

felt like crap after a s****y day...so I wrote this....

stepping out onto the grass he lit a ciggarette, the smoke floating and swirling up against the sunset. All alone, he couldnt help but wonder if she was out there...if she even existed at all....the waves crashed against the sand, interrupting his trail of thought. He looked up and noticed a rock not too far from where he was sitting...it was perfect...he envisioned her perched on the rocks, her sunglasses hiding her perfect blue eyes against the suns warming light. she tossed her cigarrette into the sand and wrapped her arms around her legs...her chocolate brown hair whisped and flapped in the gentle breeze, as she gazed out into the water...a bessoted solemn look on her face...she was perfect...she was beautiful...and there she sat...glorious...alone...and damaged....just as damaged as him...she was perfect...she was his reminder that he wasnt alone...a beacon of light amidst the dark waters of life on which he found himself drifting through day after day...and then...just when her image was almost perfectly captured in his  mind...she was gone...he opened his eyes to find himself alone once more...his whole life he had been searching...drifting...one odd job to the next...one more useless paycheque that would be spent on rent, bills, and any assorted drugs or alchohol he could get his hands on...he lacked direction...he lacked a plan...and he didnt want one...he just wanted to rest...to sleep...but even this seemed impossible...his tiny apartment on the east side of the city offered little comfort from the aches and pains of modern day life...after all...misery loves company...and since he never had any...he beared his burdens alone...but he was tired...so tired...he wanted to get up and leave...but where would he go? who would he see? what would he do? he decided to sit down...reaching into his pocket as he did so...he pulled out a cell phone...maybe he could call someone?....maybe not...nobody is awake anyway...suddenly once again his trail of thought was interrupted by the sound of laughter...he looked around but saw noone....another hallucination? perhaps...deciding he hadnt had his fill of nicotine, he pulled out another cigarrette...trying to ignore the laughter...then...just as he was about to light it, his gaze caught the water..and there...out in the water was a woman...not knowing why...he couldnt help but look at her...she was with someone else...a man...they were splashing each other in the water...laughing and flailing around wildly...suddenly the guy...whoever the f**k he was grabbed her, and pulled her close, she was smiling and put her arms around his neck...he looked away...he didnt need another reminder...but once again..his gaze was drawn to her...with her arms still around the guys neck..she kissed him....he took a drag on his cigarrette...he never wanted or desired anything in his life...he didnt want a fancy car or a big house...he never saw the point...he only wanted one thing in life...he wanted...her...whoever she was...but at 22 and without a clue about the most basic details of his past...his real name...his mother tongue...his....mother....how could he possibly know where he was going...he didnt...but he couldnt wait to get there

Author's Note

be brutal

Reviews

[Confidential]

First of all: I freaking love your username. Simple, easy to remember.
As for the story...
I could tell right away (seriously, like from the first few sentences) that you had something good here. But that's all it is, good- but it could be GREAT. I feel like you kept it short because you didn't want to overload readers with a bunch of unnecessary details and whatnot, but at times you seemed too vague almost. I want to read more and find out more about the character/characters. And frankly, if I you never add any more and I never get to find anything else out about what's going on, I'm going to be pretty pissed off, because it's really good. I love the imagery, but I will say that a couple spots would do better with less of it. For example, in the first line when you describe the way the smoke looks "floating and swirling up against the sunset..." that would flow so much better and be so much easier to read if you took out either 'floating' or 'swirling', because to float and to swirl are different actions, but in the context you use them, they both conjure the exact same imagery of smoke unfurling from a cigarette and it would just sound better in my opinion to either take one of the two out completely or to at least have them in different sentences or something. Other than a couple silly things like that, I have no complaints about the story...although like I said, I'm going to be really pissed off if I don't get any more. So if you have an idea to continue this, act on it, and make sure it's as good as/better than this. And if you have no idea how to keep it going...tough s**t, try anyway. This is good. In the meantime while you work out what will happen next here, you can write and post different stories/poems, whatever for me to feast on, eh? Thanks.


Respect,
-Confidential