One's Heart Broken Past...

A short I am writing, that's somewhat about my life and philosophy, but also part what I see everywhere in life.

In life I have experienced great things... Some were good, some were bad, but all of them, every single one of them were great. 

I started off without a care in the world. Not about anyone, or anything. Just myself. I had a loving mother, and a loving father, even though I didn't realize it. I had it really, really easy up until grade 4 of school. Everything seemed to come down on me, hard. It's when my first onset of Chronic Depression hit... It wasn't fun. My friends turned to enemies, my enemies turned into demons, and the demons that were already there? They somehow disappeared... It wasn't to any good though. It wasn't easy, being a fat little kid who was always bullied, always picked last, always wrong. I had intelligence. That was my only strength. I guess the intelligent person went away, now that I'm doing what I'm doing... But I was always computer and tech smart, I applied the computer portion of that very well. Even though I wasn't good at math. Tech smart I only applied when I had to.

But life continued, and I continued to become fatter, cause I sat my a*s in front of a screen all day and played video games day and night. I played around with the next door neighbor's kids a lot but I never got enough time to actually burn fat off. But I continued through life, barely passing classes that were so easy for me, because they were boring. 5th Grade rolled by like water down a very steep hill. This is where my life really changed.

My mother and who I once considered my step father, were fighting much more frequently than normal. I would stay awake at night because of it. This is where my insomnia started. I don't know how it started, but it kicked in. And it's a very recessive insomnia case, it will leave for a month and then hit me really hard when something traumatic or stressful happens. But in any case, I proceeded unto 6th grade year, and this is where the first major change happened.

In less than a month I had packed my things, and moved into a different part of Portland. It was worse there. Drugs, alcohol, I was surrounded by it, but I was so oblivious, so in my own world I did not see it. I went to a different school, and those demons I had before, they vanished. I got new 'friends' and new enemies. I was still a goody two shoes, not into anything bad yet. Here is when my insomnia and depression kicked into high gear, It's also when I discovered my love for writing... It didn't dawn on me that I wrote as someone else, I role played as someone else, so that person became a part of me. That's where the intense anger comes from, aside from something that I will explain later. But I prided my time in either isolating myself from everyone, or staying away from my family. I used my time to spend with my friends, and play games and things like that. I didn't spend tie with my ill mother, who was sick with Cancer. No one knew it, not even her. My life was hell for 6th grade, and then half way through 7th she was diagnosed again. And by again, I mean for her third time. It was her last time getting diagnosed, but not in a good way...

I was horrified. I got very protective, and people made fun of me for it. I brought a knife to school, and I got caught. I was expelled for 3 weeks, while I attended an expulsion school. I never realized that it could have put my mom under unnecessary stress. But that's beside the point. When I got back, there was a guy named Kyle, shorter than me, but faster. He made fun of my mom along with another person named Johnathan, who we called Tohead because of his extremely blonde hair. I broke that day. I became violent. I choked Johnathan, I lifted him off of the ground and was choking him. If he wouldn't have hit me across the temple,  wouldn't have been fazed. But I left him down. That was the first time I ever got punched in the throat. And that was the worst pain I have EVER felt... I never thought I would hurt that much, and I never thought I was gonna die young. But it was agonizing.

Nonetheless, I went back to school. Kyle and I actually became friends, and stayed friend until I left the school for the summer. I went to Virginia for that summer, visited Maryland, North Carolina, and Washington DC. It was fun. But when I got back, no one told me that they had moved my mom from Oregon to Washington so she didn't have to be on her own. They were planning on having her moved out by time I got back. I wanted to help, I said  would've come back for my mom. They said they didn't want to disturb my vacation. I was furious. I wanted to punch them in the face, my uncle and aunt. I'm sure you can understand why... But when I got back, I did nothing but play Xbox. I went back to exactly how I was before. I barely spent time with my mom. She got really sick, and went to the hospital.

August 21st, 2011: I will remember this day until the end of time.... I was woken at 9 by my aunt, saying that my mother had gone into critical condition. Within five minutes I was dressed, and I was at the hospital. I talked to her, and I saw the gradual changes. I saw how the cancer was killing her. First it was her lungs. They became so inflamed and filled with liquid, to where her breathing became rough. Then her sight. Her eyes started to fail her. I waved my hand in front of her eyes, and they did not move. She was very fragile. the next was her entire movement and nervous system. I held her hand for the longest time, and she never responded. It was pure agony. I left for an hour to get some fresh air. When I got back, she had gotten slightly worse. Then it all happened. She lost the will to fight, and slowly her heart gave out, and like a twig, a twig that was supposed to hold a thousand pounds, it broke. My mind was corrupted, and from then on, I have been emotionally dead.

So let me tell you something. Something that has put agony into my heart. How I can look around, and I see gears turning in a school, yet the actions preformed being so redundant and stupid. The same questions, over and over again, never going anywhere. I am moving without a sense of feeling. Breathing without living. Seeing without looking. It's hell, to go through the same s**t every day. The tasks preformed may be different but what do you do, you sit in a room, with a teacher, for 6 and a half hours. Every day, that happens. I want some change, some DIVERSITY. As if, someone could flip a switch and everyone could have their own schooling. As if NO ONE was bullied. The world would be a great place, but world peace, no, that wouldn't do a damn thing. Things are so restricted in some countries, they can't even see what their tax dollars are being used for.

All of this. Every little thing just sets off a different nerve. The people that make the small differences? They're the ones influencing the biggest changes. The people like me, who try to make that small difference, we're denied the credit, because it's not a 'grand scheme.'

Think again, the small people, we make the big people work. Not that the big people aren't important, like the military, it would not exist without the enlisted, because without enlisted the officers would have no one to run.

Author's Note

I might have had some off grammar, and some curse words here or there. And yes, I see a lot of the things explained in the later paragraphs. Occasionally when I type my hand will linger on the shift key when using 'it, is, or That.' It may happen occasionally on other words, but those are the most common. Also if a word ends with the letter 'e' then there's a chance that the 'e' won't be on the end of that word, but with the next word. I'm a bit preemptive when it comes to spacing when I have my fingers over the 'e' key.

Please try not to say to many hateful comments.