Chapter 16

   When I wake up, I'm terrified. I clutch the blankets around my shivering body, forcing myself to stare up at the ceiling before the tears come. I had given away a part of myself that I could never take back, without even thinking about the circumstances or safety or love. There's a knock on my door, and Christian's voice reaches my ears from the other side of the door.
   "Get dressed Constance, we're waiting for you on the steps for your departure. The challenges start today."
   The challenges. I had chosen Rayne to be my partner in those events. I shudder and close my eyes. I don't have to look to know that the other side of the bed is empty. My heart feels likewise. I force myself to get up and shakily pull on my undergarments. I see a pile of clothes has been left for me on the dresser, and I wonder silently as I pull on the long tunic like shirt and close fitting pants, who had left them there while I was sleeping. I pull on the pair of boots sitting by the door, and then open the door to reality. I keep my head low, but then decide otherwise and force my chin up. I didn't want anybody to think something was wrong. I step outside into the brisk air and am greeted immediately by a jumpy Christian who helps put a thick jacket over me for the cold. I spot Rayne by a dark haired horse tying a sack onto the saddle.
   "So are you ready for this?"
   I smile politely at Christian, who seems to be making a real effort to get me to converse. "Not really."
   "You'll be okay. This sort of thing has only really been run once, a really long time ago. I bet you anything they'll be rusty."
   I raise my eyebrows. "Rusty?"
   He shrugs. "Something like that." Christian points over at Rayne. "Me and you guys are the only ones here, no ones been required to come see you off. The council is in the main room guiding. You are both to leave when fit."
   I look at Christian sadly, realizing once again how he's the only family I have. He seems to be thinking the same; I can see it in his eyes. I embrace him tightly.
   "You're a good brother, Christian. Survive while I'm gone."
   "You too," he says back.
   The dreadfulness begins to seep in. I could die too. We let go and he gives only a slight wave to Rayne before heading back inside the building.
   "Ready to leave, my Queen?"
   My stomach drops at his voice. There is no irony in the way he says those words. I nod stiffly, and he holds out the reins of the horse to me. As soon as I take them, he goes back to making sure the bags tied onto the saddle bags are tight. He is obviously ignoring me. Anger begins to flair up in me.
   "So where are we off to first, panther?"
   He whips around to look at me, detecting the intention of hurt in my voice. "I recommend we don't get angry with each other right now Constance."
   "Yes, it's far better to ignore each other."
   "Just get on the horse." He begins to walk forward into the woods surrounding the castle.
   I climb up onto the horse and follow him, side by side. "Why don't you have a horse?"
   He doesn't look at me as he answers. "I can turn into a panther, if you remember."
   "Right. But you're too proud to ride another animal like yourself while a human."
   He smirks slightly. "Constance a horse is not like me."
   "Really? It's like seeing two of you for me."
   He stops short and turns to look at me. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
   "What's wrong with me? I don't know what sex is to your or your people, but it's definitely not something I, or anyone else I know for that matter, throw around."
   "This is about last night?" His eyebrows are furrowed furiously. "Are you kidding me? You are way too hormonal, Constance."
   "Hormonal? Yes, I'm rather hormonal because I gave away something to someone I had strong feelings for without thinking, and then see he's gone the next morning."
   "You think I'm that much of a jerk?" He steps closer to the horse and looks up at me, pointing back towards the castle. "Unless you don't remember, we're supposed to be angry with each other in everyone elses eyes. Last night wasn't supposed to happen. What did you expect me to do? Stay in your bed and get caught? Touch you and kiss you in front of Christian? It was just as hard for me, giving up what I gave to you last night as well. That sort of thing isn't taken lightly where I live. I risked a f*****g lot going into your room last night." He's breathing hard. "So maybe we should go over just exactly what this is before breaking in head first."
   My voice comes out hoarse, shot with Rayne's sudden outbreak. "What is it?"
   "We don't get to hold hands, or stare into each other. We don't get to talk about it. You don't get to see me in the morning, and I don't get to lie next to you afterward. We can only see each other that way when the risk is minimal. We don't get a relationship, Constance."
   Somehow I feel like it was much different between my father and mother. I gulp back anger and tears. "So then what's the point, Rayne? We do that and we'll end up cold and calculated and only being able to share a short time together, if anything."
   His breathing has seemed to slow and he's turning away from me. "I don't know, Constance. Maybe you're right. Maybe we should just cut it off now."
   "Do you want to?" My words are quiet.
   "They're watching us every minute we're in this forest."
   "Why should they care?"
   "They will if you win." He begins walking forward again. "If you win they'll most definitely force us apart. Send me somewhere else. Kill me. Make sure there's no way we'll cave in again."
   I push the horse forward to catch up. "Then maybe you're right."
   He nods his head in reply, as if that is the seal to the deal.
   I already feel empty.