Chapter 17

   Charlotte pulls on my shirt sleeve. She rests her face in the crook of my neck. "Jude," she whispers.
   I don't answer and she tugs on my shirt sleeve again.
   "Charlotte, please, just stop."
   She looks up at me. Her hair is all in her face and I try and fight the urge to sweep it out of her eyes.
   "Can't you just tell me why you had to leave the soup kitchen?"
   "Is it not obvious? My god damn father."
   "I know there's something else too that's making you uncomfortable." Her fingers rest on my chest and she fiddles with my shirt collar. "Please tell me?"
   I roll my eyes. "She got all dressed up to come see me in a rehabilitation center. She keeps trying to protect me like I'm still her kid. Isaac is dying I know it, because the last time I saw him he had hair. I'm embarrassed to be here with my mom because she can't handle eating out of a chipped bowl and my stupid dad won't just shut up. Then I brought you along and I don't like you seeing all this s**t that goes on in my life."
   Charlotte kisses me on the lips softly and my arms immediately pull her closer to me. We kiss for a little bit before she pulls away.
   "Jude as far as I'm concerned, I'm a part of your life right now. I like that you even wanted me to come along to eat lunch with your families." She smiles a little bit. "I actually kind of like Theresa. She has a kick a*s attitude that I've definitely seen before in someone else I know."
   I rest my forehead against hers and shake my head.
   "Why are you so scared?"
   "I'm not scared."
   "You ran away."
   "I would not call that running away. I'm done putting up with everyone in there."
   "Jude something you have to understand about your parents, is that they all express their love and fear in different ways. Your mom and Isaac do it the way that most parents would, which would be to pile love onto you. You've only been with your adoptive parents for how long? Not as long as you've been with Theresa and Isaac I'm guessing. Your sister is their idea of a child, and you didn't fit that for them. That doesn't mean they don't love you. In fact I think they're scared and don't know how to handle it. So they make you feel useless."
   I look at her and then bury my face into the crook of her neck. "I can't go back in there."
   She runs her fingers through my hair and I feel her lips kiss my ear. "You're strong Jude, a lot stronger than anybody I know. If you can't go back in there, than at least say a proper goodbye."
   "For good?"
   "No, I think they'll all be there for...."
   I raise my head and cup her face in my hands. "There's still time."
   Charlotte shakes her head. "Time flies by fast now."
   I kiss her hard. "I'll try and make it stop."
   "You're so stupid."
   "Runs in the family."
   She takes my hand in hers. "Now go be stupid and say goodbye to your family."
   I look into the window of the soup kitchen and see them trying not to look at Charlotte and me. We walk in there together and I stand by Theresa with Charlotte at my side.
   "I don't want to eat lunch with you guys anymore. I'm tired of all this fighting and I'm tired of feeling like the in between. I love all of you, I really do, but if this is how every time we get together is going to be, then I'm really f*****g done with it all. I have two moms and two dads, and I wish you guys would all get over that."
   "I don't give a s**t if you have two dads or two moms," my adoptive dad speaks up.
   "You know what dad, I feel really sorry for you. I wish I could have been your idea of a kid, but I'm not, and sorry to say, but you're really kind of stuck with that. And I'm going to die." I take a deep breath. "I'm going to die. And you can't be the man you've wanted to be about it."
   "Excuse me?"
   I shrug. "Just don't come back to see me if this is how it's going to be. All of you." I lean down and kiss Theresa on the cheek. "I love you ma." I kiss my other moms cheek too. "I love you too."
   My adoptive mom's hands begin to tremble.
   Then I walk out again with Charlotte. We walk down the street towards the direction we came from.
   "That was good," she said after a few minutes.
   "It felt stupid."
   "It wasn't stupid."
   I stop and turn when I see Northington road.
   "What is it?" Charlotte asks.
   "That's where Theresa and Isaac live. That's where I used to live." I shake my head. "I haven't been there since I was ten."
   "You want to go look?" Without waiting for my answer, she begins to pull me down the street.
   I look at all of the old doors that create holes in the walls, and I try to remember what number I had stayed in. When I saw door number 7, I pointed.
   "That's it." 7 was my favorite number.
   Charlotte and I walk up to the door and I stare at it for a moment before turning the knob. It opens like I thought it would. It's pitch black inside except for the small patch on the ground from the light that came through the door. Charlotte was feeling around for a light switch.
   "No electricity," I said softly. "Never could afford it." I let go of her hand and disappear into the house.
   "Jude!" She yells quietly. "Jude where are you?"
   I feel around the counters that I remember so fondly and find the small lamp. I switch it on. I see Charlotte at the entrance with a scared look on her face.
   "Charlotte." I walk over and grab her hand.
   "Don't do that you stupid a*****e."
   I kiss her cheek with a smile. "Come on."
   I raise the lamp and see the small sitting room with only a chair and a broken down sofa. Trash litters the floor. There's a safe hidden underneath the chair. The kitchen is a dirty mess and I begin to notice the stench of it. I lead her down the small hallway and don't even care to shine the light into the small bathroom. My parents bedroom door is open and I look inside it for a moment. Dirty sheets cover a mattress and that's all there was besides a few bags in the corner full of clothes.
   "You lived here?" Charlotte asks. But it wasn't snooty.
   "For ten years of my life this is what I called home." I turn but the door to my room is closed. "This was my room."
   "Do you want to go inside?"
   I nod and push open the door. It becomes hard for me to breathe. The bed I slept on as a child now sits on a frame painted a deep blue. The walls were painted blue as well. The sheets that cover my mattress are new and clean. My old Winnie the Poo comforter is tucked in under the mattress and my pillows lay still and plump. I let out a sharp exhale and look to the other side of my room where my toys sit in a brand new toy box. My stuffed animals are lined up along the wall and my "Build your own train" was built and set out at the foot of my bed. I took a few steps into my room and I felt the tears start to fall. I gripped the side of the wall and slid down onto the carpet.
   "Jude," Charlotte says. "Did your parents make it so nice for you?"
   Suddenly I break out into hysteric sobs and I throw the lamp to the ground in anger. Charlotte sits down next to me and wraps her arms around me, pulling me close. I bury my face in her neck.
   "Why would they do this?"
   I can hear the tears in Charlotte's voice as she answers. "Probably a coping mechanism or something." She's shaking her head as she pulls me closer to her.
   I just sit there and cry.