Chapter 11

   The rain fogs up the small window inside the rec room. My breath leaves a gray circle on the inside of the pane, but I don't move to rub it away. I tuck my hands inside the sleeves of my sweatshirt and pull my knees up to my chest, keeping a steady balance on the wide window frame. I can hear the TV in the background of my thoughts. Family guy. I never watched that show when I was able to. Everyone always talked about how funny it was, but I never had time. I had better things to waste my time with. I close my eyes and inhale the scent of dust bunny's, fighting the urge to cough.
   I shouldn't have thrown the chair. I had a good thing going, I shouldn't have fucked it up. Good luck having Charlotte come back jackass. But that's exactly why I did what I did. I had a good thing going, and I didn't want any "good things" going on this far into my life. Not when I barely had any time left. Everyone always wants the last few months of their lives to be the most happy and adventurous and exuberant. I wanted the exact opposite. I shake my head and look back out the window, leaning my head against the corner of the wall.
   "Jude."
   I don't turn my head at the sound of Shanon's voice. For the past half hour she's been calling my name, trying to get me to watch TV or be involved with the other kids in the rec room.
   "Jude, someone is here to see you."
   "Tell them to go away, whoever it is. I don't feel like talking."
   Shannon clears her throat. "She says it's for a school project and she's here during school hours, so she has to stay."
   My heart pounds fast for a split second. I turn to see Charlotte standing awkwardly next to Shanon by the couch. She's holding a black rain coat in her arms and she has a book bag slung over her shoulder. Her red hair is soaking wet.
   "Charlotte." My voice cracks on her name and I quickly swallow away the embarrassment.
   "Right." Shannon raises her eyebrows and walks back around the couch to the other detainees.
   Charlotte doesn't answer me. She's averting my gaze and playing nervously with her jacket.
   I lick my lips, offended, and turn my feet towards the floor, jumping off the ledge. "Don't worry, I'm not going to throw a chair at you."
   She looks up at me. "I thought you said it was hard to get you emotionally upset about something."
   "Me too." I raise an eyebrow and lean back against the window ledge, sticking my hands in my jean pockets. "Look, Charlotte, if you're freaked that's fine. Just don't come here out of pity or because you want an A on your project."
   She furrows her eyebrows. "Pity? Fear?" She takes a step towards me. "Jude I'm just worried about you."
   I shake my head before she even finishes the sentence. "Don't say that. Don't be worried about me. Trust me I'm not worth the time."
   "You seriously have self confidence issues. You aren't a nobody Jude."
   "Says the girl who used to think of me as 'just the boy who got me a B on my science project'".
   "Yes Jude, I'll admit I thought you were a freak in high school and I didn't like you for not caring about your academic growth, or mine for that matter. But then I got to talk to you, and you're a lot more than that."
   "Stop it, just stop it." I stared at her through narrow eyes. "This isn't a bonding project. We aren't friends. We are merrily passing people in each others lives, nothing more."
   Charlotte looked taken aback. Her cheeks became pink with color. "That's really what you think?"
   I stare at her.
   She got closer to me. "You're such a jerk. You're the one who wanted to 'talk' instead of having this be a formal peer interview. You're the one who invited me in, who wanted me to come to your group therapy. You hinted at wanting more than an acquaintance meeting. Now you're saying that's all you want out of this?"
   I just stared at her.
   She locked her jaw and tucked some stray wet hairs behind her ear. "Fine." She plopped herself down in an open chair sitting beside an old wooden table in the corner. "I'll just interview you." She began to take out her notepad and a pen. "Unlike you I'm still concerned about my grade for this project, so you're going to have to cooperate whether you like it or not." She looked up at me. "Or I'll get Drew to kick your stupid butt."
   I raised my eyebrows with a slight smile at her outburst and sat down in the remaining chairs across from her. "So you've become well acquainted with Drew now?"
   "I thought I was interviewing you."
   I raised my hands up as if surrendering. "My bad. Ask away."
   "Why did you get me a B on my science project?"
   I sigh and lean back in my chair. "Isn't this interview supposed to be about me?"
   "Oh, did you hear that Jude? That's the sound of the world revolving around you."
   I narrow my eyes and lean forward. "What the hell is with you? Just because I said I didn't want to be friends with you doesn't mean you have to go ape s**t on me. What's it even matter to you? It's not like you like me at all anyways."
   I watch her cheeks go pink with color and she purses her lips. "There's no need to be mean."
   I laugh. "You know Charlotte, you really are something." I stand up. "I think that you should find someone else to do your project with." I walk towards Shanon. "I'm going back to my room. No need for an escort, there's no other place for me to go."
   Shanon just rolls her eyes but waves me along. I stroll out the door and turn left towards my room. I hear heavy footsteps behind me. A hand grabs hold of my shoulder and spins me around.
   "What the hell Jude? I can't find someone else for my project. Deal with the misery of me for just another month."
   "You know, I don't really find myself being able to cope with your crazy b***h status," I reply.
   "B***h status? F**k you Jude! You're the one who stomped in on your sisters wedding high to the heavens! Don't comment on my b***h status!"
   My playful mood disappears and my mouth muscles fall into a frown. I walk her up until her back is pressed against the wall. I place one of my hands above her head.
   "That's the second time you've brought up that damn incident. You know nothing about it, so shut the f**k up. I am so done with this bull crap. You have no business getting into my life. And I swear to God, if you bring up my sisters wedding again I might actually throw a chair at you."
   Charlotte stares at me out of her golden green eyes. The rise and fall of her chest almost distracts me. I realize suddenly how incredibly close I am to her. My stomach is pressed up against hers and my face is merrily a few inches away from hers. My heart is pounding again, and I can feel its beat through out my whole body. My body is acting in ways that they had never acted before, and it makes me want to get as far away from Charlotte as possible. But when I try, I realize her fingers had wrapped around the bottom of my shirt.
   Her breathing accelerates as I look up from my shirt in her hands and into her eyes. I notice a small freckle resting beneath her right eye, meeting where her eyelashes ended. I take a sharp intake of breath as her head leans forward somewhat.
   "Charlotte I'm not-"
   I'm cut off by her voice overpowering mine. "What happened?"
   It's a mere whisper, and her breath pours over my lips. I can smell the evergreen from her hair.
   "What?" I almost choke.
   "What happened, at your sisters wedding?"
   I'm overwhelmed by our proximity. I shake my head.
   "Come on Jude, you can talk about it."
   I lick my lips and I see her eyes glance at them quickly. "I don't know exactly. I was really fucked up."
   She nods. "What do you remember?"
   "Snippets," I swallow. "A lot of those."
   "Can you share some of them with me?" Her fingers grip around my shirt tighter and her thumb grazes my bare skin, making my body tingle. I shake my head again.
   "Why not?"
   I laugh uncomfortably. "We're really close."
   "That bothers you?"
   I hesitate. Pause. I don't answer.
   "Jude, can you please tell me what you remember?"
   "I was at a party," I start fast. Why am I telling her this? "I practically lived at parties. All I did was drugs and those were the only real places I could get them. For cheap anyway." I take a deep breath. "I realize that I'm late for my sisters wedding. By then I've been up for two nights straight high off of s**t. I don't even have any judgement, so I don't think about what might happen if I got there being like I was." I look down and shake my head. "I don't remember how I got there. I don't even remember if it was at a church or a beach or whatever." I smile stupidly. "And it was less than a year ago." I look back up at Charlotte, her eyes intent on my face.
   "I remember running in during the ceremony and screaming 'I object' or something. Something about me always wanting to have said that. My sister didn't look too happy then but everyone sort of just laughed it off. Then I don't remember anything after that." I raise my eyebrows. "But I remember not too late into the after party I threw up over at least three tables, I pissed my pants, screamed a lot of profanity, ripped my sisters dress and told her husband and his family that they were all penis sucking lesbians and should die."
   I see Charlotte take a deep breath. I look at her and lick my lips. "I remember the look on my sisters face." I look down at my feet again. "Out of everything that's what I remember the most."
   Charlotte tugs on my shirt and I look back up at her. "Thank you," she whispers. "I know that was probably hard."
   I laugh. "I haven't even told my therapist that yet." My smile fades. "I haven't even told my therapist that yet."
   Charlotte moves her face closer to mine.
   "What the hell is going on here?"
   We both push away from each other, turning at the voice. Shanon is standing there with her hands on her hips.
   "She was interviewing me," I reply, red with embarrassment.
   "What, for her bed?"
   Charlotte's eyes go wide.
   "Get to your damn room Jude." She turns and strides back in the direction she came from.
   I look over at Charlotte who looks offended at Shanon's comment. She adjusts her book bag on her shoulder and looks up at me.
   "Jude I can't really stay. There's something that I have to do." She bites her lip.
   "Sure, okay. Will I see you again tomorrow?" I feel stupid asking the question.
   "Of course. I mean I need an A on this essay so...." She looks down at the floor. "Take care of yourself okay?"
   "Sure, whatever." I'm not sure exactly what's going on.
   She nods and then strides past me towards the front doors. She doesn't look back but I watch her go until I can no longer see her. Once she disappears I make my way back to my room.