Chapter 10

   "Favorite color?"
   "Green."
   "Favorite meal?"
   "I really enjoy seafood."
   Charlotte raises an eyebrow. "Really? I despise it."
   "Why is that?" I ask.
   "The texture just doesn't really work for me."
   "Oh, I apologize. I'll make sure to tell the fish to change their fleshy bodies for you."
   She rolls her eyes. "Have you ever had sex?"
   I laugh. "Seriously?" She looks serious. "Uh, yeah," I say, sitting up on the bed. "But I was on drugs every time so I uh, don't remember anything."
   "So you've never made love?" She sits up next to me.
   I look over at her, into her deep golden green eyes. I lick my lips. "No. I definitely wouldn't call it that."
   She looks away and I stare at her profile.
   "What about you?"
   She shrugs. "I'm not sure. I mean it seemed like making love at that time because I thought I was in love...but I guess when you look at it afterwords it wasn't really making love at all."
   I continue to look at her. "Do you want to come to group therapy with me?"
   She looks up, alarmed. "What?"
   "I'm not asking because I think you need to go...it's just, you've been open with me, especially now, and I thought you might want to come listen in on group therapy with me later. It's my first time." I feel my face grow hot.
   She smiles a little bit. "That's the first time you've welcomed me into all of this."
   I nod. "Yeah...."
   "Sure, I'd like to." She smiles wide. "And I won't bring my pad and paper." Charlotte stands up. "Where's the bathroom? I have to go."
   I point to my door. "Drew is right out there, he'll show you."
   "Thanks."
   I watch her leave. And then, "F**k." I get up and pace around my room a few times. Why the hell did I ask her to come join me in group therapy? I wasn't supposed to be getting attached, and bringing her into my personal life so far is getting attached. Especially since I invited her. I go over to my window and try to open it for air but they're latched from the outside.
   "F**K." I slam my head against the window. "Why can't I get some mother f*****g air in here?" I take a deep breath and close my eyes, leaning forward against the window ledge. I already had too many goodbyes. Although, three out of the four wouldn't really matter, considering my sister won't talk to me, and my mom and dad really couldn't give a s**t. Issac probably wouldn't be home when the time came, so all there was left was Theresa. It wouldn't be too hard for me to say goodbye to her, but I know it would be hard for her to say goodbye to me. I'm her reality, and once I'm gone, who knows what she'll do. A deep pain starts to spread through out my chest and deep into my belly, and then I feel heat slide down my face. I shake my head and slam it against the window. I cannot cry. I wrap my arms around my stomach and try desperately to force the lump down my throat, but it won't go.
   I was not afraid of death, and I was most definitely not afraid of saying goodbye. I had a s****y life anyways, so what would it matter if I just got up and left? I had absolutely nothing going for me, so there was no harm in leaving. The hot tears still roll down my cheeks and I repeat the word no under my breath several times. Crack helped this, the stupid emotions that came with death. I didn't have crack anymore.
   "F**k, why the f**k am I in here? F**k I need crack." I squeeze my eyes tightly and grip my shirt in my sweaty fingers. My body starts to tremble and I break out into a sweat. I feel cold, and then hot. I shake my head. "No, no not again." There are too many emotions going on in my head. I scream and reach for the chair by the closet. I throw it at the window and shards of glass fly everywhere. A piece of it cuts my arm. I take a raggedy breath of air just as the door flies open. I turn to see Drew and Charlotte standing there, wide eyed. I turn slowly, trembling. I look down and see blood dripping down my fingers.
   "I needed, fresh air." I lean myself against the wall and immediately Drew comes forward.
   "Jude, sit down." He leads me over to the bed. "What the hell was that all about? You could have asked to go outside."
   "I need to get out of here Drew, I can't f*****g do this. There's no point, there is no point to this stupid recovery. It helped, the crack helped and I need the crack right now to help because nothing is helping and I can't stand it, I just can't."
   "Calm down. You don't need crack to help you with this problem Jude. You have to come face to face with it."
   "I have!" I clutch my arm to help minimize the pain. "I have come mother f*****g face to face with it. I just can't have her here. I can't have this stupid project because it's making me worse, it's making me need crack."
   "You need to get close to someone, you need to say goodbye to someone. How would you feel if you had no one to say goodbye to you when you're lying in the hospital?"
   "I would feel fine. I have Theresa, I have my parents...."
   Drew shakes his head. "You know that's different."
   I stand up fast and point at Charlotte, who is still by the door, her eyes wide with fear. "I can't have her here Drew! She's making me worse!" I squeeze my eyes shut and grab my shirt. "I need some f*****g crack, Drew."
   "Jude-"
   "Get me the f**k out of here!"
   Drew grabs my arm. "Shut your damn mouth Jude. I'll take you to the cell unless you calm the f**k down." He shoves me back down onto the bed. "I'll take Charlotte out today and cancel your group therapy so you have time to get over whatever it is you need to get over. I'll let this go because I know what you're going through. But Jesus Jude, if this happens again...." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "You are okay. I'll have someone bring your medication over and something to help with your cut."
   My breathing begins to slow and I look up at Charlotte, tears forming in her eyes. She's terrified, I can see it. It was unexpected. So much can happen in only a couple of minutes with me. I look away, unable to see the look on her face. Drew walks over to her.
   "Come on Charlotte. I'm going to have to take you home this afternoon, but I'll talk to your teachers so you don't get graded down. You can come back tomorrow, but Jude needs to rest right now."
   "Is he going to be okay?"
   "Just fine. Now come on." He leads her out of the room.
   "F**k." I throw myself back onto the bed and close my eyes. "F**k."