Prologue

    The ship tilts to the side with a sudden jolt and I cry out in pain as I collide with the cold metal bars.  I gather my surroundings only to see nothing but the dim flickering of danger lights.  I am in pain, great terrible pain.  Everything hurts, especially my left shoulder.  I turn my neck and examine it, but am unable to see due to the poor lighting.  I try to stand up, but lurch forward as the ground shifts again.  I hear a door slam and boots running down some stairs; a man bangs on a door.

           “Rover, open the door on C17,” shouts a man’s voice.

           Whoever 'Rover' is, he did his job and a stiff door slides open, just wide enough for someone to fit through.  A tall, man emerges through a dense cloud of smoke.  I am unable to get a good look at him due to the poor lighting.  Once more, I attempt to stand, but instantly drop to the ground.  He rushes to my aid stopping at the cell that contains me and shakes the bars violently while calling for Rover to unlock the cell that encloses me.  The iron bars open and I struggle to stand for a third time and when I am about to collapse, a strong pair of arms wrap around my waist and help guide me to my feet.

           “Who are you?” I croak breathlessly.

           “We have to move,” responds the man.  The low, husky voice almost soothes me as they are the first words I have heard in months that don't belong to a person that wants to kill me.

           With that, he pulls me along as he takes off back the way he came; it takes an immensely great effort to keep up with him as I am tired and weak, but I manage.  We struggle up stairs and stumble through hallways.  Everywhere, I see people racing around frantically and I hear gunshots.  The stench of smoke fills the air and we cough and choke with every step.  I have this strange intuition to want to fight and help these people, but instead I am here laboring enough to where I am dependent on his body to even stand.  Grimacing through my injuries, I don't like feeling helpless and weak.  I feel the cool night breeze when we break onto the deck and a group of soldiers come to shield us from bullets--or worse.  The flash of warning lights and the crescent moon give off enough light to see people falling to the ground. A blazing fire roars across the deck, devouring everything in its path.  I hear the order to abandon ship as we move towards the helipad.  I look up to see a man standing on top of the crow's nest.  I think he was glaring right back at me. 

           “AAAAAHHHHH!” I scream out in pain and my neck feels as if it is being seared open and I collapse. And then blackness.

Author's Note

I would LOVE to become a writer some day and am very passionate about it. So please leave your thoughts on the prologue. I love it when people give criticism but feel free to compliment it as well. *revised*

Reviews

[MelissaAndres]

I know this is just your prologue and you have much more planned but you have done a good job thus far. Develop your characters, give background information - I know you will in subsequent chapters. Just a small suggestion - use a bit more description. If your character is in pain, describe the pain. Something like, "The pain felt like a million tiny hammers pounding into my skull." Searing pain feels like what? Perhaps a hot poker shoved into the eyeball? Describe what you are seeing, hearing, tasting. You got me sucked in but a little more description can keep your reader captivated. Good job!

[Yarusenai-Namida]

Even though it's just a prologue,I think it's very interesting you book.I think you will become a professional writer in the future.When will the next chapter come out?

[Zoe]

Thank you soo much that literally made my day. I am super busy with volleyball right now, but the first chapter will be out ASAP after I add more detail (imagery)

[Yarusenai-Namida]

Ok.Thanks for the information

[Minecrafter2098]

It's pretty good, but if you expand on the idea of the cell and the man and add in some more detail, then it would be much better. I would probably try and add in some imagery. You should probably add in "creaking and cold metal bars" to the cell and "damp and freezing hard floor" to make the reader feel like they are the speaker.

The man is a great person to add detail to. You should describe what he was wearing. Maybe he was a really wealthy guy working from the inside or a scrunchy stranger with no home, but a connection to the narrator. Detail is the key to a good story.

I hope this helps you. Your book sounds really good so far. I look forward to reading more from you.

[Zoe]

Thanks for the help when I get the chance I will be sure to review something of yours. This really helped--I spent a long time just going through and adding imagery and detail