Self-Deprivation

Apart of a collection of pained poems created by a 16 year old boy struggling with indecisive thoughts and identifying as apart of the LGBTQ+ community.

“Are you okay?” People ask

And I only have one premade pass

I claim I’m fine, that I’m doing great

As if life wasn’t just some s****y fate

 

Where was happiness when I was down low?

Where was joy and celebratory woe?

How can life be this perpetual figment

Weaving passed fake smiles and pigment

 

Where thoughts and feelings

Turn to negligence and needing

When reading is the only attraction

To your self-deprivation

 

Listening to music, drawing or creation

Is the only utter sanitation

A cleanse of nasty netting,

webbed by the shallow spider of thoughts and dreaming

 

Memories of wheeping

The only sentimental keeping

Where was happiness when I need it?

Where was my attention feeding?

 

I live in this cage of self-deprivation

Claiming I’m just okay.

That I’m fine with the constant admiration

When I’m still paged this this book of black and grey

 

But I’m not

No-one truly is,

I guess that’s why I live

Just to see when it stops, if it stops.

For as life stops when you’re a kid

 

And I’m sorry,

To anyone who know me

And I apologise for my gravitating nature

As if I have any control of my quaver

 

Everyone asks, “are you okay?”

Yet I see it on their faces

They don’t truly care what I say

Only about their new holiday places

 

And I always wonder,

Where was happiness when I was down low?

And where was joy and celebratory woe?

 

Where thoughts and feelings

Turn to negligence and needing

When reading is the only attraction

To your self-deprivation

 

Where listening to music, drawing or creation

Is the only utter sanitation of my lifelong hesitation

I can’t just flick a switch to turn it all off

I guess that would be cheating in this game of right and wrong

 

I repeat the same phrase, apologies and lines

Rehearsed as if I’m the star in a play of mine

Pages and pages of back and forth

I just wish my life could continue north.