Out of The Spare Room

Yes this is a coming out story of sorts. I decided to spare too much detail or I could have probably written a book. So here it is plain and simple, an acceptance of truth.

This is not a story. No fairytale weaved in between words of comfort, no build up to a climax of gastronomical proportions- just truth. And truth like ice water, burns the skin with a pain so excruciating it’s hard not to enjoy. A release of sorts.

Lesbian. The word falls lightly off my tongue, teasing my comfort zone. Lesbian. There it is again, and it exits my lips with the ease gained from years of training as if I was groomed for this moment. I sit staring at my mother not sure why she isn’t reacting to this little bit of news but then I feel myself replaying the last few seconds in my mind only to realize I’m staring at her blankly and not a word has fallen out my mouth.

She looks disturbed and I can’t imagine why when I haven’t said a thing out of place.

“Okay out with it.” She speaks so out of character- there must be something wrong. And then I feel it and I know of her discomfort. The blood is screaming through my veins, deceiving my nonchalant exterior, sweat drips from idle pores and I close my eyes, silently retreating. This is not the time, I tell myself, avoiding the inevitable- but is it? I never did find secrets hard to keep. After all I’d kept my cousins smoking habit to myself for all of 8 years and would have taken it to my grave if she hadn’t intercepted. No, keeping secrets was not something I was bad at.

Convincing myself of the benefits was not hard. It was no more than a few seconds before I opened my eyes and said enthusiastically, “I’m just so bored, I hate add breaks.” My mother laughed at my apparent stupidity and her thoughts ran quickly away from whatever they had been just moments ago. With the pressure dropped, knowing I was not going to have to say or explain any further, my blood relaxed and I was able to unclench my fingers from fists I was unaware had formed. Though I still had trouble breathing, it wasn’t obvious and I was sure I could calm down enough by tomorrow to follow through with my plan.

But tomorrow came faster than I expected bringing with it an alarming realization. This was who I am, this was my life, it wasn’t just some rebellious act I was performing like drinking myself to a stupor or speed racing through city streets and I knew then that it would hurt more to have people love me as a fraud than to have them hate me for my truth. This was my truth.

I would like to imagine that the realization of my sexuality sprung up on me one day, that I knew from the moment I kissed her that THIS WAS HOW IT WAS MEANT TO FEEL, but looking back I know that it’s not true. Yes when I first kissed a girl it almost knocked me off my sixteen year old toes, yes I didn’t want her to ever stop, yes I knew I’d never want a man again. Love and lust held me in its ever elusive grip. Threatened to never release me and I was so consumed with newly discovered yearnings that I was blinded to the fact that the smoke alarm had been signaling all along, interweaved with so many heterosexual experiences that it was difficult to separate truth and fabrication. And yes tomorrow was here.

I knew I had to act fast, the courage I’d built up was slowly starting to wear off, like a painkiller the effects wear off eventually, but unlike a painkiller, I couldn’t pop courage back in my mouth and swallow it whole. I knew that if I lost it, it wasn’t coming back and if I didn’t speak now " I never would.

Thoughts bled through my mind as if I’d burst a blood vessel. I was weighing up all possible responses and even though at this point I’d convinced myself I could handle anything, the confidence was only external. What would she say? I know a good friend of hers is lesbian and she’s okay with that but, I’m her ONLY daughter. What would she think? I was her ONLY try at this motherhood thing, would she feel she’d messed up? Oh god, would she tell the Marshall-Like father I hadn’t seen in 5 years? I stopped myself from thinking, I never had found guessing games entertaining.  My stomach was tying and untying itself in multiple arrays of knots and my hands felt so weak with shaking I wondered if my voice would betray me again but then I heard the words drip out me, slow and careful, soft but audible, lesbian.

“Mom… I think I’m Lesbian.”

Well the words although timidly formed had now been completely ejected. The seconds after had felt like minutes. The wait was excruciating but before my mind had time to take over and start guessing at her reaction again her lips began to move. The words that came out shocked me and comforted me all in one - this I wasn’t expecting.

She stood up walked toward me and hugged me, the words muffled in my hair, but I knew what I’d heard, “I think you are too.” Was all she said.

Author's Note

Yes this is a coming out story of sorts. I decided to spare too much detail or I could have probably written a book. So here it is plain and simple, an acceptance of truth.

Reviews

[Ghostshell]

This was so well told. Every feeling you convey is perfectly described. Like I could be going through it myself.

[Calypso]

I'm glad it turned out well for you.

[N.Sevilla]

Amazing write. Very impressed with both the story and the way you delivered it.

[Wandering Violet]

That wait to find out the reaction can seem like a lifetime!

[Raven Starhawk]

Extra extraordinary message you have so well woven in the brilliance of your story. I am sitting here still pondering each line and basking in its beauty.