Dear Miss Goad

The second Part to a joint project by Gwen Goad and I so please view her submission

Dear Miss Goad

This will be the last of anything that I do

life stops being worth living for without the love from you 

A “family member a friend to hold dear” how can you break my heart?

 you tell me I was the one when did we drift apart?

Questions which I will never hear the answers because what you’ve done 

unlike a cat I choose to die the attempt needing only one 

so run away enjoy your life don’t see what I’ve become 

sitting here leaving this message by the shadow of my gun

hand is quivering ecstatically and you haven’t got a clue

it’s never been about intimacy its always been about you

how can you expect me to be there to be right by your side

when at the first the first sign of seriousness you choose to run and hide 

so this is my final message the last of anything I do

I’ve never cheated never lied and ive always trusted you 

I have the sneaking suspicion that these from your side aren't true so these are my final words before I have to send 

don’t tell me that you love me don’t say that you’re my friend you pushed me into this corner to this bitter end

Author's Note

See Part 1 by Gwen Goad !!

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

The danger of writing poetry in pseudo sentences like you've done is that some measure of grammar and punctuation is expected and you provide none, which makes it read funny.

You don't need a 'for' in the second line. There should be a comma in the third line after "member" and in the fourth after "one". You need a "to" after "answers" in the fifth line...

The list goes on. Poetry allows you to get away with a lot that prose doesn't, but you can't write in almost-sentences and still expect to get away with it all.

I agree it does go well with part one (probably because you directly echo so much of what she said), and I like your ending, but it was a bit of a challenge to read when I had to stop on every line and mentally add or remove a word or punctuation mark to make it read properly.

[Labtoad]

this is so quietly powerful, wow...very well done

[Poeticadia]

This is a strong piece... strong emotions well expressed. I particularly like these lines:

"hand is quivering ecstatically and you haven’t got a clue
it’s never been about intimacy its always been about you"

[.]

you have a great rhythm to your work..sometimes it goes a little off but doesn't really detract from the body of the work..you have natural flow..

[steph]

This is a powerful piece, it speaks volumes by itself, and hell really this poem reviews itself, everything is right on the money

[Deactivated_BurningDemo..]

I love this as the rhyme scheme makes it flow, yet slight alterations in the last two lines make them stand out.
Excellent work.

[nightmask]

really nice flow of rhyme, I'm loving the last line "don’t tell me that you love me don’t say that you’re my friend you pushed me into this corner to this bitter end
" nice job :]

[~jay-pee~>]

LOVE IT..!

[Esoteric Strand]

I’m not crazy about this piece. It’s not because of the subject matter, but mainly because of the presentation and diction.

In my opinion, when you’ve made the effort to adhere to a rhyme scheme, you should show it off. Instead of presenting the poem as a monolithic block of text, why not show off the rhyme? Break this into couplets and align left. This will also help in tightening up the rhythm, in this case the number of syllables per line. A rhyme is just an echo, and when you have one line a particular length, you’re setting up the reader’s ear to anticipate the follow up sound. If the count, meter, beat is off, it derails the natural reading rhythms. For a piece like this, I would shorten a lot of these lines, and the thing is, you’d probably be able to convey the same meaning. Less is more sometimes. Case in point, compare the length of the final two lines to the first two lines. But this is just a pet peeve of mine.

There are a few awkward lines like:
‘life stops being worth living for without the love from you ‘
&
‘unlike a cat I choose to die the attempt needing only’
But this can be cleaned up through editing.

The last thing I’ll say is to avoid the predictable rhymes, such as you/do –OR- heart/apart. Maybe keep one as the set-up and pick a more interesting word.
Overall, this poem is the raw material and can be polished up. It’s also a great exercise to tighten up rhyme, line length and formatting.

Regards,

Enzo

[Ian]

OMG!
This is definitelly a wonderful and great piece!
I just loved every line, every single line... I liked some more than others but the lines:
"sitting here leaving this message by the shadow of my gun" and
"don’t tell me that you love me don’t say that you’re my friend you pushed me into this corner to this bitter end"
Those lines just knock me down... This definitelly goes to my favorites...
Wow... so wonderfully written... beautiful lines you have there...
There is nothing to improve here... this is just perfect! Wonderful piece!