Letters From An Unitentionally Heart Broken Heart Breaker One

The night time quiet smells of hope and I find myself hoping, but the negativity of my mindset tells me to give it a rest, lest I find something, some illusion to hold onto. My delusion is of you and my thoughts are those of a dreamer, those that the average mind couldn’t comprehend. A sense of uncertain possibles fills my head but perhaps, I’m just making it impossible to forget you, irresistible to resist the thought of you, unbelievable to think that you, the reason I was smiling for no reason, are now the reason I am trying to reason out the reason you left and the bits and pieces I am left with, this mess I am trying to fix and I seem to have all the pieces but the pieces don’t fit. It’s as though one particle, one tiny element, seemingly insignificant and invisible to the naked eye is missing and so how do you expect me to move on when I’m still holding on to the idea that maybe you kept that tiny particle so that you could remember me too?

Realising that thoughts such as these need to be quickly and gently put to rest is not enough to make me do so and the fact that you won’t even utter a word in my direction doesn’t make it any easier to take action. Instead I find that drinking myself into a numb, oblivious state is the only thing keeping me from falling too hard too often till I can no longer stand back up. In regards to this solution, of whom I am trying to fool, perhaps myself, is an unknown constant because my mind is never released of thoughts of you but rather the thoughts are just dampened down to a level low enough for me to momentarily cease caring.

I’ve become wreckless and self destruction seems to be my chosen sense of a good time. My hands hurt, the bruises and cuts and burns pulsate as though fuelling my irrational emotions so I just add salt to the wound �" I seem to find logic in this illogical reaction. I find myself tracing back through familiar behaviour as the devil on my shoulder so dares and if God is watching he isn’t taking notice of my affairs.

I miss you so much and pretending I don’t is only a mechanism I have put in place to fool the masses, of which I am not a part, into believing I’m okay without you because I don’t want to tarnish the player I am known to be by portraying the truth, that you are the only one I can see.  And the truth of the matter is: I cannot erase you from my thoughts. You are all I think about. Even when I try to think of something else you creep up and sit quietly in that thought, much like a dormant volcano, you are there even if not actively. So often I am reduced to a blank stare as the thoughts run through my mind on repeat.

I am starting to forget the way you look. I’ve still got all our photos but no physical reality of what you look like. Your eyes, your mouth, that scar on your lip and the one on your elbow are all part and parcel of the pieces of you I’ve held onto, but I can’t remember the way I felt when you smiled or the butterflies you gave me or the shivers and excitement you ignited in me �" I only remember feeling them. Trying to remember how it actually felt hurts me but I never quit trying because if I am to quit, I’ll have to let go and I can’t do that for if I am to let go, then I know I’ll have to make myself believe that we, the love we shared, was just as tiny and insignificant as that piece of my heart that I’m hoping you picked up and kept with you.

If it looks to you as though I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, it’s probably because I am. Stripped of my words, my form of armour, I am defenceless and lost. Stuck between a rock and a hard times place all I am left with is the memory of your face to colour my vision of this untimed end; my heart has become an ice cold friend with whom I have to share my space. For me I find without you is an unwelcome destination so please... let me go without explanation.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

"If it looks to you as though I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, it’s probably because I am. Stripped of my words, my form of armour, I am defenceless and lost."
I like the letters. I have been using them. Lately a lot of writers are making their point using them. I understand this letter. The statement above is true. When we give up what we truly need. We become defenseless and lost. Thank you for sharing the outstanding story.
Coyote

[sivan]

thanks for stopping in and checking out my work

[cilla]

Sometimes we simply run out of words trying to describe how we are feeling. When you know that nothing can fill that hole that has been ripped in our hearts. I am reminded by that old Wilson Phillips song, "Release Me". The feelings run contrary to any logic. The relationship has ended and still you need that OK from her to let go.

With time, we can learn to move on, forget and heal the wounds that remain. Or maybe we never learn to let go ... and feel a little heartache whenever we see her ... think about her ... remember. When we lead with our hearts what a mess we make.

Excellent story taking us through the stages of love lost. O baby you've just got to release me ...

[sivan]

Your comment really hit home... thanks for the review... that last line tears me up... o baby you've just got to release me