Your Face

Another A, another fall, another drink, another boy, another cut,

Another day of silence.

 

All of which apply to some empty soul. Once a happy clueless child, corrupted by abuse,  and too many cold nights alone in your room, falling asleep to the sound of muffled screams. At the time thinking you have a happy normal life, and until adolescence you don’t realize how emotionally hurt you are. Then you start to think about life, and how worthless it seems, soon you realize that no one really cares. So where else to go but away?  Away from your home, and the nothingness that smothers you. Away to drugs, and parties.   Though its never enough. In the end you’re nothing more, than worthless addict, with a hangover.

Stumbling down a moonlit walk, 3 friends make their way home after a long night that ended in the reflection of red and blue lights in a broken mirror.

Eyes unfocused, and blank. Not really seeing what’s passing them by.  Causing them to trip over what’s not really there, and fall against the wall, or steady their self with a trashcan.

They make their way down the shady road, Alli humming a dark melodic song, adding to the ominous mood of the night, and kip hovering near the wall, grasping it occasionally to regain his balance. Cigarette ashes gliding to the ground, smoldering under Andi’s shoe, as he staggers along behind his zombie like friends.

The world around them is blurry. Their eyes strain to understand where they are. And after hours of aimlessly wondering the streets, Alli finally falls to the ground. The nights events have taken her down, pulling her deep into a haze.

The glow of her cigarette floats in mid air, following her movements, as she lightly combs residue away from her hair. Kip and Andi, watch mesmerized by the eerie movement. Their heads bobbing along with the rhythm of Alli’s grooming.

Soon they’re all drawn to sleep. Drowned in the blackness that fills their heads, smothering all logical thoughts. The three lay sprawled across an unfamiliar street, allowing the drugs to push them down. Through the night, and into the early morning.

Andi awakes in a pool of vomit, and kip is already striding down the street, followed by a stream of smoke. Alli paces the road, trying to remember what happened the night before. Snippets of boos, loud music, and stoned partiers flow in and out of her conscious mind. The bass of the music still ringing in her ears, giving her an added bonus to her current headache.  But her many years of using, have made it hard to focus, so she gives up her thinking, and concludes by pulling out a cigarette as well.

They slowly make their way up the street, soon parting ways, and returning home.

Kip, finds his car, and drives to his empty home centered in the ghetto. Surrounded by other small houses, loud rap music, and repetitive drive bys. Slamming the door on entering, and retreating to his mattress to blow off his headache.

Andi walks home to his sweat stained house, where he is greeted by the booming snore of his father. Retiring to his room, being sure to lock all four pad-locks, before lying down, and listening to music, that is much too loud for his ear drums to stand. Though, this is what he falls asleep to.

And Alli takes the long way home. Stopping to observe a newly bloomed flower in a neighbor’s yard. Taking in its vibrancy, before entering the dull grey that fills her own home.

She runs through the front door, nearly knocking it off its last hinge, and slips past the living room. Pausing before stepping into her sanctuary of sleep.  Listening closely to hear her mother’s hopeless pleas for the lady in the mirror to reply. Her strained voice begging the other woman to answer her. And those pleas soon evolve into anger. She listens as her mother has a screaming fit. Yelling and cursing at the other lady. Not understanding why she hears no other voice in response to her own.

Now her anger burns down to sorrow. Begging some long lost being to come back to her. To reply, to return what was stolen, or whatever her rant happens to be today.  Maybe she will find peace with herself someday, but until then Alli will be welcomed with her mother’s empty, monotone conversations with herself, and dismissed with her pain filled sobs and moans.

Now her creeks open the door, and goes into her room. She walks to her bed, and sits, with a loud squeak. She’s crying now. Letting her head rest in her hands, and feeling the warm tears fall through her fingers. Slowly she pulls up her sleeve, barley noticing the revealed gashes, and scars aimed in every direction. Safety pins lodged under her skin and the stitches where she had gone too far. But Instead of taking the time to commemorate on these memories written on her arm, she grabs the rubber band that is hanging loosely around her wrist. She stretches it to its full extent, and then let’s go. 5, 6 more times. Staining her arm red. Giving her the peace she needs to relax. Finally, enough to guide her to sleep. Drifting away with tears dried on her cheek.

Then next day, Andi finally decides to come to school. Though on entering he is punched in the gut and shoved back out the door.  He is used to this kind of torment, so he casually steps back over the threshold. Horrible words, poems and rumors bounce off of him like an invisible shield surrounds him. This is due to many years of being called gay, or a girl, or a transvestite, and much worse.  So now he is left with this reputation that has turned out to be truth. He is gay, though not presenting it as most that treat him like this make it seem.  A new relationship every week.

Maybe it is because of the constant reminder of his feminism that made his subconscious believe he was supposed to be like this.  Or maybe it was his father. The reason 4 locks surround the perimeter of his door.

Ever since his mom left, his father took it out on him. Punishing Andi for what his father had caused. Using him for what his mother had once given him, and the things he never got. Now he keeps his door latched shut, a knife concealed under his bed, and his emotions trapped inside.

Andi rushes to his locker, gathering his books for his first class, and quickly scurries into the classroom before he can be spotted by his bullies.

He steps inside, noticing Alli in the back corner of the room, silently flicking the red and yellow rubber band around her wrist, and heads to the empty seat beside her. She looks tired, dark circles have formed around her eyes and her makeup is smeared. She looks like she did last night, completely untouched.

Slowly he sits. She looks up, her cheeks flushed and her eyes are blood shot. You can see she has faced too many pain filled days. The sorrow seems to radiate off of her, making her lonely corner seem a shade darker than the rest of the room. Andi leans across the narrow gap between them, and whispers something into her ear.

Her self cut bangs hanging tangled and matted, sway with his light breath.

Andi pulls away, and they both stand and sneak out the door before the teacher comes to start class. They hide in a corner of the hallway, pretending to be sent out as a punishment,  but when the hallway is completely clear, they bolt down the stairs and out the entrance. Andi pulling out his cell phone to call kip as the sneak behind some bushes. 20 minutes, kip’s shiny red corvette pulls into the school driveway. They jump inside, and head for the highway.

Kip offers them a very poorly disguised drug. They burn the bottom of the paper; it starts to emit a fruity, tangy grassy scent, which they all inhale deeply. Soon their eyes become unfocused and they utter random slurred words. Laughing at the most pointless things, and soon becoming completely oblivious to anything other than the present.

Everything is funny.  Even when Alli starts to talk about her mom and all the evil that comes with her.

She begins to explain the pain put upon her by her mother’s boyfriend. And how he held her down, doing the worst to her, while her mother watched with beer glazed eyes, completely unknowing. To her mother it was a joke,  filled with  joy and laughter.  Though in reality, it was smothered by deafening screams of unbearable pain.  The image of his face, surrounding her, the feeling of the sweat dripping off of his body, her mother’s blank drunken face will forever be branded in her mind. Mouth agape, edging him on. With his steroid pumped body, beating her from the inside out.

A single tear slides down her face. The others were silent of a second. Then Andi chuckles and says, “I bet your lying!” You can see the wrinkles on her forehead as she tries to contain her anger and confusion.  She whispers, “You wanna bet?!” She pulls up her sleeve. Revealing the pain that is written on her arms. Old scars, dried scabs, fresh wounds. The past 10 years of her life scattered across her body. She swiftly reaches into her bag, and pulls out a heavily used razor blade. Slightly chipped on one side, rusting on the other. She says, in an enraged voice, trying to hold back her tears, “This is reality!” In one easy motion she makes a deep open wound. “I’m not lying!” she screams this time. She slashes her arm again. Getting closer the original stitches on the pale blue vital veins on her wrist. Whispering, almost too soft to hear, she says, “He ruined my life. I’m destine to live a life of pain and misery…..so what’s the point of living it?!” Andi and kip are watching with slight smiles on their faces. She raises her arm high, and comes down with all her strength. Reopening her stitches, and reaching beyond their previous depth.

She lets the razor fall to the seat. Silently she watches the blood roll off of her arm, and stain the gray arm rest. But this isn’t enough. These scars will never black out their faces, or silence her meaningless, mournful words. The scars are merely a reminder of her past.

She must block out these memories of the past years of late night crying fits and the utter loneliness that is her only company...  2, 3 more cuts, she becomes more quick and furious with it all.  Watching her mom hopelessly talk to herself in the mirror, then return to reality, and crash in the middle of the floor, only to be awakened with more pain and a migraine. More she mutilates her arm.  Then out of nowhere, she stops. Head falling back lightly on the newly aphulstered head rest, now stained with her blood, sweat, and tears.

Andi just stares. “Stop faking.” He says smugly. So confident in himself. He says, “your dumb and a horrible actress” chuckling at his comment. He begins to punch her in the arm, convinced she’ll wake and start laughing along with him. Then he begins franticly shaking her chilled body. But she doesn’t move a muscle. Andi continues this until he suddenly falls over with exhaustion. He stays asleep throughout the rest of the ride. Kip is completely oblivious to the fact that his best friend is dead in the back seat. He stares blankly at the road.

Kip hits a bump. Andi’s head bounces off the car door then falls back and hits it, which cause him to jerk awake. “Where are we?” He quietly asks. “Idaho, I think” answers kip.  Andi sighs and taps Alli on the shoulder. When she doesn’t wake, he taps her again. Over and over, each time a little harder as he becomes more panicked. Snapshots of screams and blood, and Alli’s lifeless body falling back to the seat, with of look of relief on her face, flash through his mind. “Oh my God.” He says in a shaking voice. Crying, he softly says, “I'm a monster”….

Several months later, Kip and Andi place themselves in rehab. Struggling. Fighting through detox, but getting help…”for Alli” they would repeat to themselves when they grew near their breaking point.

Her death changed their lives, and they promised to honor her, and not let their’s end as her’s had.

Andi returns home, only to be greeted, with an enraged father.  Not worried about where he’s been, or why he is hunched over and leaning against the wall, struggling to stay upright. Only questioning him about his money, and why the refrigerator is empty.

Andi pulls himself up straight, and stares his father directly in the eyes. He takes in a deep breath, and frankly says. “I don’t know.”

His father’s smirk falls. His eyes brows pinch together and his fists clench.

Andi’s father leaps forward. Crashing into him, and knocking him to the floor.   He begins punching him. Smashing his face, and screaming profanities.

He stands. Heart racing. Sweat falling down his face, and taking in short stressed breaths.

Andi lay limp. Crumpled on the ground, not daring to move a muscle.

Satisfied with the blood stained carpet, his father hobbles away.

On his next birthday. A lonely, quiet birthday. He moves away. Away from his father, his sweat stained home, and the insecurity of his life. He becomes an emancipated adult.

A very, stupid addicted adult.

Kip sells his car, and his whole stash. Every drug, every cigarette, and every memory. He continues to live in his small home in the ghetto, but learns to appreciate, he’s not the one being shot in those frequent drive bys.

Alli’s body is place in a hole behind her favorite skate park. Dug by her best friends, kip and Andi. They promised her everything, and that’s what she got.  She is laid to rest in her favorite spot, with the quote “Drugs are the entrance to short term happiness, though the exit to a short term life.” inscripted on her tomb stone. Now her body lays untouched, and silent. Never to be harmed again.

 

 

No more A’s, no more falls, no more drinks, no more boys, more pain,

And a lifetime of silence...