Partly Cloudy

a rant of how i'm feeling at the moment. kind of something youd tell people. rather speach oriented...

You’re crazy, now, you know. That’s about all I can hear whenever someone talks about you. I keep my head down, yeah. I’m still listening but it’s more than listening. I strain my ears until they switch topics and I can focus on exhaling again. I have to survive just another day in these hells I continue to put myself through. Personally, I’m pulling for the possibility it might not be entirely my fault. I am completely willing to accept some of the blame, but I don’t think it is all me. I think I drown myself in words that other people sing to make myself feel it less, and I accept the fact that I live in the past and the future, but rarely in the present. I have nothing to do with myself, and can only occupy myself with entertaining other peoples’ lives and thoughts and choices because rarely do I make any of my own. The opportunity rarely arises and I don’t know what the f**k to do about not living. I breathe every once in a while, I’m not even kidding. I just can’t wrap my head around not thinking about anything and going out there and doing it. My music blasts itself and reverberates from the speakers before I can face anything other than the reflection and the floor. I get whiplash whenever I hear your name and my eyes get all big and drumming with thoughts in my head but I logically talk myself out of it and try and move on, but then I start crying. It is not because I feel sorry for myself, but I feel bad for other people and how I don’t know how to interact and I don’t know how to say how I feel when it starts to matter. I drum my feet to catchy songs on the radio when I go places but underneath the rippling pool are currents and tides and winds that howl when everyone else should be asleep but I can’t help but focus and go through the motions of my day and how I feel about anything happening right now. I can’t see anything but I look really hard. This isn’t blindness; I just never learned to see properly. I can dance on the back porch but there isn’t anyone for me to dance with. I can’t but flutter with words while my head tries to fly away without my heart. I apologize for my lack of feeling; this is unaccounted for but not unplanned for. I am going to run in circles until the circles are running themselves away from me and all I can do to keep my head from spinning is walk a straight line on top of the water I continue to step in. I trudge through the clouds in my mental sky but it never stops raining and I never think ahead enough to fetch my umbrella before the drops fall like thick snowflakes and they are all different parts of me reflecting back like movie quotes and thought bubbles. I help myself with the numbing by not wearing a jacket and get soaked in these daily torrential downpours. I’m so numb that I either see everything from my spot in one of the high windows where I can look down that I don’t feel anything, or everything rolls through me like a pinball machine turned forwards; it all hitting me at one time. I don’t know if people enjoy this or not, this planet has its kinks and its knots. I am so unprepared I can barely bring myself to begin explaining how I feel at any moment of any day. I wish this was easy, but it is hard, and has hardened me so I have calluses on my ability to suck it up and live. My one constant in this swiftly upside turning universe is that it sure as f**k is a blustery day in the hundred acre wood.

Author's Note

ending too abrupt? i was kind of letting off steam, here.