Simon J. James

I am a lofty, less than dynamic figure, often seen staring at ornate houses or making strong Gin Martinis. My past is not checkered but I have failed as a paper boy, a charity worker and a wine waiter, all still haunt me.

I curse openly, freely, sometimes loudly, but always heartily and with the best intentions; much like a pirate I'd imagine. Effing and jeffing, as it is sometimes known here, is recognised as a skill, right or wrong, and I am seen as more of a man by some and a slob and an illiterate by others. The latter are correct but both, in all senses, fascinate me.

I write books, situation comedies, stand-up routines, articles and humorous emails. I manage time relatively efficiently, I can tread water but distance swimming is a problem due to poor coaching as a boy. I have been able to ride a bike for many years now, a skill that gives me a sense of tremendous well-being but I remain fearful of its awesome power.

At time I have displayed astounding catching skills and cat-like reactions, at other times clumsiness beyond conventional understanding. I am able to play no musical instruments but can recognise 95% of them by sight alone. I am an efficient climber of trees. I like to cook and but regularly ignore baking times and chopping instructions, I would be considered a maverick in the rigid and conforming hospitality student circles. I do not have criminal record, nor do I want one, thank you.

I like to think of myself of a protector of the people but would be considered a coward and a blaggard by those same people if I ever stated my view. I can twirl a staff like a Kung Fu expert but however impressive it looks I have painfully found out it is not an essential life skill.

Ants fascinate me as they are organised enough to have possess armies (which is as unsettling as it is impressive), armadillos strike me as nice guys, bears as misunderstood and jelly fish as just downright irresponsible.

I like to think that I could have been a professional soccer player but my deeper instincts recognise that I would have been injury prone and frustrated. Constant exposure to Gamma rays has not facilitated any superpowers (except the ability to find the perfect name for things, I am currently sitting on Lenny the leather chair) and may have contributed to my tallness. I am good at softball and can hit many objects with sticks to an advanced level.

Dogs and children trust me, cats respect me and monkeys are strangely calm around me, which obviously draws me to them.

I can throw. I like shopping. I could have been a spy and wouldn�t have minded if they wanted to turn me into a part-machine type cyborg, as long as I got 6 weeks of holiday a year, it�s a stressful job. As I am sometimes clumsy and awkward I think this is linked in someway to the phases of the moon or radiation emanating from the satellites watching my every move.

I have a fair idea where Elvis is.

I balance, I duck and weave, I dodge, I frolic, I gambol, I skip, I dance the funky chicken and pay my bills on time occasionally. Long phone calls make my ear go uncomfortably hot.

I hope this gives you a view as my mark as a writer.