Mathew Purvis

My name is Mathew Purvis.

I am either exactly the same as everyone else my age on this planet or everyone else is exactly the same as me. I forget which.

I have no defining qualities, no facial features and no sense of self. I also lack a sleeping pattern and the common sense to stop talking when the person I'm talking to hits me.

I have no boundaries which is a rather difficult lifestyle as I live in a house made up of walls and fences and I once believed pigs could in fact fly, because everyone kept going on about it.

I spend most of my time acting thoroughly superior to everyone around me which is rather difficult as every national institution of education I've attended has spent the majority of its time proving me to be thoroughly average.

I used to have beliefs but I put them down once and when I came back they were gone. I smoke like a chimney, and climbing onto the roof for a cigarette is a real hassle.

I'm constantly tired, never sleep, never wake up and make sure I'm late for anything I pre-arrange with anyone. This can be confirmed with my doctor, dentist or girlfriend. One spends all their time in my mouth, one spends all their time telling me what's wrong with me and the other two are a doctor and a dentist.

If you're still reading this then I offer you my highest commendations and most sincere of condolences. You see, I've just wasted a small portion of your time and I can assure you, I won't be returning it.